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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU with this crying young woman?

93 replies

JustWhat · 01/04/2017 21:05

I'm genuinely not sure if I did the right thing here or not. It took me ages to pluck up the courage at the time and now I'm still not sure if it was right or a bit intrusive?

In a coffee shop in a big city today, a young woman was sitting at the next table. She had finished her drink and was in the phone. My DP signalled to me that she was crying. She was on the phone for 10 mins or so and was upset the whole time. Please don't think I was listening in or being nosey, we couldn't hear anything she said as she was too far away, we just saw she was upset. I did hear she didn't have a local accent so wondered if she might be a student in the city. She kept reaching into her back to look for a tissue but didn't have one and was wiping her eyes and nose with her hand. I felt really sorry for her.

She then put the phone down and seemed to be ok and we were about to leave. She then called someone else and got upset again so I nipped to the loo, grabbed some tissue and handed it to her before getting up to leave. I just handed it to her, smiled and mouthed 'hope you're ok'. She smiled back, clearly surprised, but was this intrusive? Will she think we were nosy? I just wanted her to know someone was bothered about her sitting there on her own upset but can't decide if this missed the mark? Was I right or wrong? Confused

OP posts:
Livness12 · 01/04/2017 23:07

It was a lovely thing to do. Something can that can much so much difference when you're upset or a bit all over the place and feeling alone or embarrassed.

I cried at Victoria Station once, and a lady stopped, asked if I was ok and then said I looked like I needed a hug and just hugged me very tight. I think she was a tourist, although I may be wrong. It was a brief moment, but I was actually suicidal at the time and planning to jump in front of a train. To have someone actually stop and see if I was ok was so helpful that evening.

Italiangreyhound · 01/04/2017 23:12

How could it be wrong to show support for a crying woman.

Thanks
Italiangreyhound · 01/04/2017 23:13

It's not intrusive to notice others distress. It's called being a society.

augustusglupe · 01/04/2017 23:13

It was a lovely thing to do. It's nice to know there's still kind hearted people around...no way did you do anything wrong OP I'd like to think I would've done the same.

TinselTwins · 01/04/2017 23:17

It's not intrusive to notice others distress. It's called being a society

Yeah. So long as you also notice other body language such as trying to hide that they're crying etc.

lightgreenglass · 01/04/2017 23:20

As someone who cries in public frequently, maybe not that frequently. I would be touched if someone gave me a tissue to dry my eyes.

CoraPirbright · 01/04/2017 23:20

I saw a young woman crying on the tube a while ago and gave her a tissue. She looked surprised and touched, I think/hope. You did the right thing OP.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 01/04/2017 23:21

At work, people often cry in front of me not just because I'm a complete cow. I don't think the tears are a problem, but it's the snot you always get at the same time... It robs people of their dignity. So I always, always have tissues. And they've never not been appreciated, because who wants their nose to pour when their eyes do!

(I hate it when they take the pack, though!)

GoodDayToYou · 01/04/2017 23:25

Well done, OP. We need more acts of kindness in this world. Like that meme says, "Sprinkle that shit everywhere!" Flowers

ladymariner · 01/04/2017 23:28

Such a lovely thing to do, I'd have been really touched and happy that you cared.

I always remember the old lady who stopped and asked if I was ok, I was stood outside Clintons sobbing, it was nearly Fathers Day and the shop was full of stuff for it, but I had just lost my Dad and the pain was horrific. She was lovely!

Katie0705 · 01/04/2017 23:36

Livness12 To admit that is very brave of you. I have been in that position too...I look back and still terrified of those thoughts. The lady who thankfully stopped for you was wonderful. Hope you are keeping well.

expatmum22 · 01/04/2017 23:55

Are ou trying to say that your DP made you think you were "overthinking it"? If you had been there alone you would have just offered her support, no? But your DP made you feel like a weirdo? I think you helped her hugely...bloody well done, I guess she was so grateful for a blink of help.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/04/2017 00:06

Your DP is a bit hard, isn't he?
You did the right thing and if I had been that girl I would have been so grateful, I hate snotting everywhere with no tissue! (and I do always get snotty when crying)

No I don't think you were being intrusive either. Maybe if you'd asked her what was wrong, that would have been intrusive - but you didn't, you just offered practical help (tissues) and hoped her day got better.
That's fine. Thanks

emmyrose2000 · 02/04/2017 00:24

I think it was very kind.

AntiHop · 02/04/2017 00:30

I've done similar.

Goodythreeshoes · 02/04/2017 00:38

It's a shame that an act of kindness can't be appreciated as that - a simple act of kindness to a fellow human being.

steff13 · 02/04/2017 00:42

Of course what you did was fine. I hugged a woman who was crying in line behind me at the pharmacy once. I asked her if she needed a hug first, and she said yes, so I hugged her.

Justaboy · 02/04/2017 01:14

Lovely action there by the OP a few more like you in the world won't go amiss:-)

Solo · 02/04/2017 01:38

A simple act of kindness can cost a moment and a tissue but it can often mean so much.

25 years ago I was driving a loaded Routemaster along the Bayswater Road and saw a young woman crouched down under the bus shelter crying. I couldn't do anything to help her as I couldn't get out of the cab, but I think of her so often even now.

When pg with Dd I was leaving the hospital with Ds (I'd been for a scan) and saw a face I recognised as my neighbour's daughter (late 50's)standing outside the doors having a smoke and looking really upset; I said hello, but kept walking, but something made me turn back and she was already walking back into the hospital. I tapped her on the shoulder and as she turned I could see she's been crying so I asked her if she needed a hug and she just nodded and I hugged her tight while she told me her Dh had just been told he had terminal cancer. I hope it helped her.

papercoversrock · 02/04/2017 01:41

It's not "nosey" to show that you care. Your DP is in the wrong here. Even if he wouldn't have done the same, it's your choice to reach out to people or not. Your compassion costs nothing, is not subject to his to control, and if he's got a social conscience he ought to be proud of you. xxx

kateandme · 02/04/2017 01:51

never stop being kind.no matter how they take it.kindness given is little miracles.and often to the person on the other end can mean the world.always do kindness.it was a lovely thing to do.

SpreadYourHappiness · 02/04/2017 02:12

It's great that you had good intentions and she appreciated it. That was nice. But for me personally, I wouldn't like anyone to acknowledge me if I was crying in public. I'd rather people didn't notice, and if they did, to leave me to it and pretend they hadn't.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 02/04/2017 02:52

I've honestly rarely felt more alone than when crying in public and no-one acknowledges you - it's happened to me a few times and I have been amazed that 100s of people can pass you by and ignore your distress. And I'm a complete introvert! One particular time I was on a busy tube platform and picked up a phone message about my dad in hospital - I couldn't control obviously sobbing and would have loved it if someone had made a simple gesture of kindness.

Worst case scenario she thinks yoiu're a nosey cow. Best case the kindness of your gesture will have really moved her and could be remembered for years to come. You did the right thing!

Mrsgingermum · 02/04/2017 08:00

I wish you near me the other day, I was crying in a soft play area due to dd bumping her head hard and being hysterical. I would normally phone my mum but my mum had just passed away. I felt so lonely and couldn't stop the tears. Not one person offered help. Well done to you for offering support.

originalbiglymavis · 02/04/2017 08:04

I was on holiday and got a message to get home now if I wanted to see dad alive. I blubbed in the hotel, at the airline office changing my flights, on the taxi to the airport, on the flight home... I don't remember anyone offering me a tissue. In fact, most people just ignores me completely.

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