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AIBU?

Wedding drama- advice?

66 replies

Thewanderer03 · 01/04/2017 19:22

I'm getting married in June in Greece. My df passed away last year and as we didn't want a big wedding or much fuss my dh to be and I decided to go away and do it whilst there. It's been booked for a couple of months and we're both really looking forward to it. Dm is fine with it as she is unable to fly., fil has voiced his opinion that he is upset with decision. We booked the wedding in any event deciding it was best for us. Now dh to be is saying he wants family there, dm suffers very severe anxiety especially when travelling so unlikely to come, db may be able to make it though not sure with finances after got himself into bit of a mess. In which case it would just be me and dh and his parents and possibly 2 brothers. AIBU not liking this idea? I have suggested party once home for all family and friends or getting married here to have people there but dh is not happy with either idea. Any advice?

OP posts:

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Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 15:45

@Dozer oh sorry, being unreasonable

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Dozer · 02/04/2017 17:19

Yes, I meant he's being unreasonable.

I'm concerned that you're bending over backwards in your mind for him, worrying about whether the wedding will be OK for HIM. Rather that your own needs and (reasonable!) wishes, eg that your key family members will be present if there will be guests. And he's not doing likewise for you (and your family)? Eg if you were there with him and his family, yours not being there, that'd be shit for YOU!

He suggested marrying alone overseas. You've suggested a UK alternative so close family can attend, which he's declined. His suggestion wasn't suitable for your family and would be very unfair on you. So going with HIS original plan is best.

Or postponing the wedding.

Dozer · 02/04/2017 17:21

Even if your DM didn't have anxiety about travel she still wouldn't BU not to be willing/able to attend a wedding overseas at such short notice, not having been invited in the first place!

Your fiance has cocked up, big time. With his family (if he hadn't thought through their likely views and feelings), your family, and most importantly you.

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 17:37

I agree @Dozer. We've spoke again today and with him outright refusing to move the wedding to the U.K it seems as though the og plan is back on which is of course what I wanted. I ot too much which is why I bent over backwards in my head and want to make sure his wedding day is as he wants but reading it out loud it's silly if that's a complete compromise from my side. He also wants no after celebration now whether this is because he has thrown his toys out of the pram or part of me thinks maybe he still wanted to stick to the og plan all along and didn't want any sort of at home celebration so felt the only way he could get out of it was by now looking as though he is making a big compromise and so I must also by not having a big do when we get home. I just hope it gets sorted soon, it's less than 6 weeks away and I don't want to feel things are still up in the air

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GoodDayToYou · 02/04/2017 19:08

So, what do YOU want, OP? Would you like any kind of home celebration? Weddings are usually more of the woman's domain and yet you seem to be focusing more on his wants at the moment. What about you??

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 19:19

I know he seems to be groomzilla in this wedding. I want to stick to the og plan of just us two, the whole idea of getting married whilst away minimal fuss I have a lovely floaty dress perfect for it, a lovely venue booked and a much needed holiday for us to really enjoy some qt together sounded perfect to me. The more I think of it the more I am less fussed about an after party, my only reasoning was photos. I'd be happy with a small meal with dm & db and his side only. The more I think about it the more I don't want it just one sided, I think it would only highlight he fact df has passed and make me feel uncomfortable on the day when it was booked on the basis it was just about us 2. Had I known he strongly wanted family I would have stayed in the uk and had a very small wedding with immediate family but he wasn't open to this idea.

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Dozer · 02/04/2017 19:27

He hasn't made any compromise here: manipulative if he's making out he has in seeking his own way on related matters.

If YOU want a party afterwards, then that matters. I can understand why, given the conflict between you, you might not want to now.

Do you actually feel Ok with going ahead with the marriage on holiday in 6 weeks?

In general, does he make compromises for you? With the relationship being one of equals and respecting and listening to each other? If yes to these things then his behaviour might be groomzilla like, if he's been selfish in other ways perhaps think twice!

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 19:45

My thinking exactly is he being manipulative here and jut using it as a way to get exactly what he wanted in any event. I'd like to think not generally he is very loving, generous etc. We sometimes disagree about things and usually come to a compromise though I have moved a good 3-4 hours away from dm and even further from db to a town I didn't know when dp took a job in a new area so feel I have compromised in this relationship a bit already.

I flirt back and forth with a party idea. Party is not really my thing it was more pressure from others and photo opps I was considering it. I'd be happy with small meal for immediate family possibly my two friends who could not make wedding but I think I would like to do something with people here. If the wedding is to go as planned I happy to go ahead with it yes I just don't want to have negative doubts in the back of our minds and that's where my thinking was coming from with him if he wanted his df there.

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Whocansay · 02/04/2017 19:47

Every time you post, your fiancé sounds more and more like a complete asshat. He seems to care more about his father's feelings than yours. What you want seems to be totally irrelevant to him.

Do you really want to marry someone who refuses to compromise on something like this? This should be about him and you and no-one else. Your needs are as important as his. It makes me wonder what a future would be like with someone like this.

FinallyHere · 02/04/2017 20:10

Goodness, how well do you know him?

Does he have form for changing his mind on such big issues? I'm afraid that I would be having second thoughts about the whole thing by now. Did he freely choose the first plan? What is the point of deciding things like that together if he is going to make such major changed. Has he acknowledged that he has changed his mind?

May just be me but this would be a hugh red flag for me.

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 20:29

Yes that does worry me. He did choose the op plan freely. He just initiated a convo about it all and agreed that my feelings were most important & it wouldn't be fair being one sided etc but when i said about a small meal after he said this would be awkward?! I find this odd given it would be the same people at the wedding he now wants and he initially had said he didn't want to do his vows infront of anyone at all which he just exploded at when I reminded him and said stop bringing up my past decisions. He's now sulked off to finish some work.

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Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 20:36

As an update he has come and apologised and said he is happy to stick to the og plan and accepted my idea of a live skype. Will 'think' about the meal. So all may be resolved for now we will see, but I feel pretty down about it now which is such a crappy feeling when you're weeks away. Not down about second guessing marrying him but just in general that this has even surfaced when there has been nothing to this point.

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Dozer · 03/04/2017 07:37

He "exploded" at you because you mentioned his very recent change of mind?

Not good.

The issue of marriage/any celebration of this afterwards with family and/or friends is not resolved then.

Dozer · 03/04/2017 07:40

have moved a good 3-4 hours away "I moved 3/4 hours away from dm and even further from db to a town I didn't know when dp took a job in a new area, so feel I have compromised in this relationship a bit already".

That was an absolutely massive move you made. Especially if where you moved to isn't as good for your earnings/career (you mention it's a town not a city). Not a "compromise": he decided to move and you followed him, to keep the relationship? Does he appreciate it?

Thewanderer03 · 03/04/2017 07:56

Yes, luckily it was ok job wise for me as we both travel into the city for work and I was between jobs in any event. He seems to yes but as I say I feel I've compromised already. I agree explosion was not good, he's never done that before, we've been together nearly 7 years over something that seemed so minor so whether it's getting to him not sure.

Well after talking again I've basically said we either stick to og plan without any sides or we move the wedding to the uk, we both agreed we would be moving on the basis of family only and we both want to stick to what we have planned. As for the home celebration I've said we have both compromised on the wedding by going abroad him so therefore we both have a decision to make about it. Like I said previous it's not so much the party I want but something I think to celebrate and have some photos.

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Headofthehive55 · 03/04/2017 08:26

After parties are very over rated.
i don't think you get the same photo opportunities - people just don't make the same sort of effort to attend or dress up. So I don't think you'd miss anything if you didn't have one.

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