Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

1 2 3

AIBU?

Wedding drama- advice?

66 replies

Thewanderer03 · 01/04/2017 19:22

I'm getting married in June in Greece. My df passed away last year and as we didn't want a big wedding or much fuss my dh to be and I decided to go away and do it whilst there. It's been booked for a couple of months and we're both really looking forward to it. Dm is fine with it as she is unable to fly., fil has voiced his opinion that he is upset with decision. We booked the wedding in any event deciding it was best for us. Now dh to be is saying he wants family there, dm suffers very severe anxiety especially when travelling so unlikely to come, db may be able to make it though not sure with finances after got himself into bit of a mess. In which case it would just be me and dh and his parents and possibly 2 brothers. AIBU not liking this idea? I have suggested party once home for all family and friends or getting married here to have people there but dh is not happy with either idea. Any advice?

OP posts:

Report

Headofthehive55 · 03/04/2017 08:26

After parties are very over rated.
i don't think you get the same photo opportunities - people just don't make the same sort of effort to attend or dress up. So I don't think you'd miss anything if you didn't have one.

Thewanderer03 · 03/04/2017 07:56

Yes, luckily it was ok job wise for me as we both travel into the city for work and I was between jobs in any event. He seems to yes but as I say I feel I've compromised already. I agree explosion was not good, he's never done that before, we've been together nearly 7 years over something that seemed so minor so whether it's getting to him not sure.

Well after talking again I've basically said we either stick to og plan without any sides or we move the wedding to the uk, we both agreed we would be moving on the basis of family only and we both want to stick to what we have planned. As for the home celebration I've said we have both compromised on the wedding by going abroad him so therefore we both have a decision to make about it. Like I said previous it's not so much the party I want but something I think to celebrate and have some photos.

OP posts:

Dozer · 03/04/2017 07:40

have moved a good 3-4 hours away "I moved 3/4 hours away from dm and even further from db to a town I didn't know when dp took a job in a new area, so feel I have compromised in this relationship a bit already".

That was an absolutely massive move you made. Especially if where you moved to isn't as good for your earnings/career (you mention it's a town not a city). Not a "compromise": he decided to move and you followed him, to keep the relationship? Does he appreciate it?

Dozer · 03/04/2017 07:37

He "exploded" at you because you mentioned his very recent change of mind?

Not good.

The issue of marriage/any celebration of this afterwards with family and/or friends is not resolved then.

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 20:36

As an update he has come and apologised and said he is happy to stick to the og plan and accepted my idea of a live skype. Will 'think' about the meal. So all may be resolved for now we will see, but I feel pretty down about it now which is such a crappy feeling when you're weeks away. Not down about second guessing marrying him but just in general that this has even surfaced when there has been nothing to this point.

OP posts:

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 20:29

Yes that does worry me. He did choose the op plan freely. He just initiated a convo about it all and agreed that my feelings were most important & it wouldn't be fair being one sided etc but when i said about a small meal after he said this would be awkward?! I find this odd given it would be the same people at the wedding he now wants and he initially had said he didn't want to do his vows infront of anyone at all which he just exploded at when I reminded him and said stop bringing up my past decisions. He's now sulked off to finish some work.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 02/04/2017 20:10

Goodness, how well do you know him?

Does he have form for changing his mind on such big issues? I'm afraid that I would be having second thoughts about the whole thing by now. Did he freely choose the first plan? What is the point of deciding things like that together if he is going to make such major changed. Has he acknowledged that he has changed his mind?

May just be me but this would be a hugh red flag for me.

Whocansay · 02/04/2017 19:47

Every time you post, your fiancé sounds more and more like a complete asshat. He seems to care more about his father's feelings than yours. What you want seems to be totally irrelevant to him.

Do you really want to marry someone who refuses to compromise on something like this? This should be about him and you and no-one else. Your needs are as important as his. It makes me wonder what a future would be like with someone like this.

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 19:45

My thinking exactly is he being manipulative here and jut using it as a way to get exactly what he wanted in any event. I'd like to think not generally he is very loving, generous etc. We sometimes disagree about things and usually come to a compromise though I have moved a good 3-4 hours away from dm and even further from db to a town I didn't know when dp took a job in a new area so feel I have compromised in this relationship a bit already.

I flirt back and forth with a party idea. Party is not really my thing it was more pressure from others and photo opps I was considering it. I'd be happy with small meal for immediate family possibly my two friends who could not make wedding but I think I would like to do something with people here. If the wedding is to go as planned I happy to go ahead with it yes I just don't want to have negative doubts in the back of our minds and that's where my thinking was coming from with him if he wanted his df there.

OP posts:

Dozer · 02/04/2017 19:27

He hasn't made any compromise here: manipulative if he's making out he has in seeking his own way on related matters.

If YOU want a party afterwards, then that matters. I can understand why, given the conflict between you, you might not want to now.

Do you actually feel Ok with going ahead with the marriage on holiday in 6 weeks?

In general, does he make compromises for you? With the relationship being one of equals and respecting and listening to each other? If yes to these things then his behaviour might be groomzilla like, if he's been selfish in other ways perhaps think twice!

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 19:19

I know he seems to be groomzilla in this wedding. I want to stick to the og plan of just us two, the whole idea of getting married whilst away minimal fuss I have a lovely floaty dress perfect for it, a lovely venue booked and a much needed holiday for us to really enjoy some qt together sounded perfect to me. The more I think of it the more I am less fussed about an after party, my only reasoning was photos. I'd be happy with a small meal with dm & db and his side only. The more I think about it the more I don't want it just one sided, I think it would only highlight he fact df has passed and make me feel uncomfortable on the day when it was booked on the basis it was just about us 2. Had I known he strongly wanted family I would have stayed in the uk and had a very small wedding with immediate family but he wasn't open to this idea.

OP posts:

GoodDayToYou · 02/04/2017 19:08

So, what do YOU want, OP? Would you like any kind of home celebration? Weddings are usually more of the woman's domain and yet you seem to be focusing more on his wants at the moment. What about you??

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 17:37

I agree @Dozer. We've spoke again today and with him outright refusing to move the wedding to the U.K it seems as though the og plan is back on which is of course what I wanted. I ot too much which is why I bent over backwards in my head and want to make sure his wedding day is as he wants but reading it out loud it's silly if that's a complete compromise from my side. He also wants no after celebration now whether this is because he has thrown his toys out of the pram or part of me thinks maybe he still wanted to stick to the og plan all along and didn't want any sort of at home celebration so felt the only way he could get out of it was by now looking as though he is making a big compromise and so I must also by not having a big do when we get home. I just hope it gets sorted soon, it's less than 6 weeks away and I don't want to feel things are still up in the air

OP posts:

Dozer · 02/04/2017 17:21

Even if your DM didn't have anxiety about travel she still wouldn't BU not to be willing/able to attend a wedding overseas at such short notice, not having been invited in the first place!

Your fiance has cocked up, big time. With his family (if he hadn't thought through their likely views and feelings), your family, and most importantly you.

Dozer · 02/04/2017 17:19

Yes, I meant he's being unreasonable.

I'm concerned that you're bending over backwards in your mind for him, worrying about whether the wedding will be OK for HIM. Rather that your own needs and (reasonable!) wishes, eg that your key family members will be present if there will be guests. And he's not doing likewise for you (and your family)? Eg if you were there with him and his family, yours not being there, that'd be shit for YOU!

He suggested marrying alone overseas. You've suggested a UK alternative so close family can attend, which he's declined. His suggestion wasn't suitable for your family and would be very unfair on you. So going with HIS original plan is best.

Or postponing the wedding.

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 15:45

@Dozer oh sorry, being unreasonable

OP posts:

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 15:45

@dozer sorry what is bu? But yes I agree he has moved the goalposts here and making me/my dm seem unreasonable when it had all been planned. My concern is that he would be having a wedding he wouldn't want though it was originally his idea?
We've spoken again I've explained about my dm I don't think he understood perhaps how bad her anxiety is or chose to ignore it. He said whatever happens he does not want to move the wedding to the U.K. He said if that means keeping the original plan to just us two then that is fine but now he can't unsay this and has opened up a can of worms. I ot everything anyway, don't want him to not be doing what he wants but can't see how I can help him when he is not willing to budge on anything. He wants the best of both but unfortunately that is not an option with both sides & abroad.

OP posts:

Dozer · 02/04/2017 15:28

IMO you are conceding far too much to your DP, and sound far more concerned about his interests than your own. Eg telling him it'd be fine to invite his family to greece knowing yours can't go. Not a great basis for an equal marriage.

He is BU, having shifted the goalposts massively, to be annoyed with your DM!

GoodDayToYou · 02/04/2017 10:21

I would suggest that you and your dp have a good talk and decide together what you both want.

It sounds like you're both happy to go away alone, in which case do that. You might need to be assertive with your fil - tell him your plans and say that you really hope he can support you. Have your wedding reception (call it that to your family) with cake and speeches (maybe ask fil to give a speech?) when you get back.

If you can't find a way to do this now which feels good to you both, I would postpone it. (Maybe have a look at Offbeatbride.com for other ideas.)

Good luck with it all!

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 09:33

Dp has said that he wants to keep the wedding as it is but is annoyed that my dm cannot travel. I told him that is unfair given we booked knowing this. I can't tell if either he genuinely wants his df there or if now df has said this he is using my dm as the excuse of them not being there rather than just owning up to it. I have said I want yo stick to original plan. However would not stop him inviting his dp's regardless of whether my dm/db could make it. Ideally that is not what I would want but I have taken the decision out of my hands so he has to own up and say what he wants so we can sort it.

OP posts:

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 08:30

Thanks All. Going to speak today. I don't think he was just doing it for me given his feelings on going away without all the fuss at the beginning anyway but I could see how that could be the case. He has said that if my dm/db can't attend then he won't open the door to invite his dp's as he wouldn't want it just one sided. I just worry as you say that this is his ideal (although he maybe didn't mention it enough at the start and booked it knowing what the plan was) and he may later regret it but not sure what he wants me to do if he doesn't want to change the Greece wedding. As someone mentioned when I did say to him previously about having a small wedding here he didn't like the idea and I also worry it would open the door for other invites especially if we had it in the town we both come from rather than where we live now which we originally wanted to avoid.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 02/04/2017 08:07

I don't think it's fair that it is now arranged so that only his family can attend. Inertia and Jenny have good advice.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Chloe84 · 02/04/2017 08:01

I think it would be unfair to your mum if ILs attend.

DH can't have his cake, and eat it too.

Headofthehive55 · 02/04/2017 07:16

Perhaps he's telling you in an ideal world he would want his family there. It's his wedding too. Doesn't matter it's a late stage, you want to get it right.
Perhaps he was initially doing it for you so you wouldn't miss your dad. But the closer it gets, the more the reality sets in. And now you are seeing his true feelings. He wants his dad there.

Italiangreyhound · 02/04/2017 01:23

Great idea Jenny, sometimes when we start to realise what is entailed in a plan it becomes a bit unmanageable! Especially if the OP's finance is now going to be expected to send out invites and get the show on the road with only weeks to spare!

Unflip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.