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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding drama- advice?

66 replies

Thewanderer03 · 01/04/2017 19:22

I'm getting married in June in Greece. My df passed away last year and as we didn't want a big wedding or much fuss my dh to be and I decided to go away and do it whilst there. It's been booked for a couple of months and we're both really looking forward to it. Dm is fine with it as she is unable to fly., fil has voiced his opinion that he is upset with decision. We booked the wedding in any event deciding it was best for us. Now dh to be is saying he wants family there, dm suffers very severe anxiety especially when travelling so unlikely to come, db may be able to make it though not sure with finances after got himself into bit of a mess. In which case it would just be me and dh and his parents and possibly 2 brothers. AIBU not liking this idea? I have suggested party once home for all family and friends or getting married here to have people there but dh is not happy with either idea. Any advice?

OP posts:

Headofthehive55 · 01/04/2017 23:21

I think most parents would be upset. It is unkind to exclude.
From his pointbifvview he us being punished because you were unlucky in not having your DF.
Try and imagine telling your DF that he wasn't welcomed because your DP hadn't got his dad.

Original poster

Thewanderer03 · 01/04/2017 23:24

@Headofthehive55 I don't agree. He is not being punished. Originally it was dp idea to go away. He chose the place and he booked knowing his df's opinion. He is a very private person and his dm was not surprised we were to go away. We were both on the same page only now is dp saying this.

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 01/04/2017 23:28

Agree with Hedda's choices for him. Don't think it's fair to insist now that he gets to bring his dad out to Greece when your family won't be there. And it'll be nicer to have a very small wedding here and then go off for romantic time in Greece as you originally planned.

scottishdiem · 01/04/2017 23:33

No no no.

Either a wedding is for both sides or neither. DP and I got married with just a minister and two flatmates as witnesses. My side could have been there easily but not DPs so we did it that way. We then had a celebration a year later. But not having one side compared to the other is very very very bad.

Headofthehive55 · 01/04/2017 23:36

Of course you dont have to have any contact with parents. It's nit compulsory. However when you would love to be a part of your child's life and watch them get married and they don't want you it can be hurtful.

sniffle12 · 01/04/2017 23:40

Does DH want FIL there because he wants him there, or because FIL is upset/there's pressure being put on him?

If you both want to get married alone (which I presume you did as you both took the decision to book it and are looking forward to it), then do it. It's your day and you will only get it once.

DH and I got married alone and although it wouldn't have been for everyone, we loved it. We didn't have to worry about what anyone else was doing/feeling/saying, only each other. The most common complaint I hear after weddings is that everybody else butting in with their demands/complaints/politics put a dampener on things.

Original poster

Thewanderer03 · 01/04/2017 23:45

I agree. That sounds wonderful. Just what we wanted. I'm not completely sure. He originally wanted to go away, I think it was after the initial comment from fil that he said in an ideal world both side of the family would be there this was after we had booked! He is sticking to this now but hadn't mentioned it before.

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 01/04/2017 23:45

It's not your fiance and his family's fault that your side can't make it. Both sides appear to have (now) been "invited". The fact that all those who can/want to come are from one side is immaterial, and they shouldn't be punished because the other side can't/won't come.

altiara · 02/04/2017 00:00

I disagree with emmyrose as OP would not have agreed to book the wedding abroad if they wanted both families to come. If she agrees now FIL gets to go then it's unfair on OP and her DM as OP knew DM would not be able to travel far.
Personally I'd have a tiny wedding at home and then go to Greece for the honeymoon/more wedding celebrations.

Lunde · 02/04/2017 00:03

Originally it was dp idea to go away. He chose the place and he booked knowing his df's opinion. He is a very private person and his dm was not surprised we were to go away. We were both on the same page only now is dp saying this

Whether it is pressure or a change of heart it sounds like DP wants to move the goalposts at this late stage 6 weeks before the wedding.

I think you need to have a really good think about whether you should stick with the original plan or perhaps make changes - such as having a small UK wedding before flying out for a honeymoon/possibly a blessing etc.

I can see that DP's change of mind makes this very difficult for you. The fact that DP suddenly wants his father to attend at this late stage must really rub in your own DF's recent death and that DM is not able to travel. If it to be a family wedding both sides need the possibility of attending.

Original poster

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 00:04

That's exactly it altara. We considered an at home wedding of course, deciding it wasn't for us. Dp was actually the driving force in going away and not having family to not have fuss. There appeared to be no issue at all until now unless he is worried about his df. Issue now is both of us want to still get married abroad but that likely means one set of parents which as you rightly said we wouldn't have booked originally if that was the plan. Think I need to speak to dp properly again ...it's not long away at all

OP posts:

Inertia · 02/04/2017 00:04

Your DP doesn't get to make all the choices here.

You agreed to the wedding abroad on the basis it was just the two of you, knowing your family couldn't travel . He picked the place.

He now wants his family there, but won't give any ground so that your family can also attend.

What about a civil service in the U.K. that close family/friends can attend, then the ceremony abroad as planned ?

It's not fair for your partner to keep moving the goalposts but still getting his own way about everything.

Italiangreyhound · 02/04/2017 00:14

Thewanderer the thing that bothers me is that you have said (I think twice) that you feel it is your fault.

It is not your fault!. Your fiance told his father, his father obviously did not make his feelings known enough at the time, things were booked and planned, your FIL is now not happy and your husband looks like he wants to cave in to the wishes of dad over his new wife.

I agree with NannyOgg.

I woud be gutted if my kids got married without me there BUT your FIL said something like 'if he had the choice' but he does not, you and your finance have planned the wedding you want.

I think you have a number of options.

Give in to your husband and FIL and have the wedding you don't want in Greece without your mum.
Change to a home wedding in a church or register office or other venue and the Greek holiday could be the honeymoon. You could still make your vows on a beach at sunset, you know OP*. You'd just be already be married but I think it would be just wonderful.
Have the wedding you and your dh planned in Greece, just the two of you, and come back for a party for everyone.

BUT if you go for option 1, beware, it means your husband is more concerened to make his own dad happy, than his wife, and that way is really not a good future.

Hidingtonothing has it bang on the money! "I would just tell DH you're not ok with his family being there but not yours and leave him to figure out what to do."

But only if you agree with his final choice!

Italiangreyhound · 02/04/2017 00:20

These are the two posts where it sounds like you think it is somehow your fault...

"Thewanderer03 Sat 01-Apr-17 20:17:54... However feel in wrong as if I am not stopping dh family from coming but otherwise would be to just go ahead with it and potentially have no one my side given that dh does not want to move the wedding home?"

"Thewanderer03 Sat 01-Apr-17 23:02:04 To not want to change the wedding to accommodate them and then say they cant come anyway because we can't just have one side and then seem as though it's my decision only is a bit unfair I think."

Italiangreyhound · 02/04/2017 00:20

It's not your fault, OP. Good luck.

Jenny70 · 02/04/2017 01:19

I would include in the discussion that if your parents come your mother is going to feel more excluded. This wasn't the plan to make her feel left out, it was the plan to avoid family drama and have a simple service.

If he wants parents/family there (and I thought the point was to NOT have family fuss) then have a simple wedding in the UK before the Greek holiday - but tell him that comes with who to invite and other drama - sounds like opening this door will lead to requests for Great Aunty Jane to come, and cousin Bertha who you haven't seen in 10yrs should be there etc etc.

Thinking of the reality of including family will hopefully firm your partner's resolve to keep it simple and stick to the original plan....

Italiangreyhound · 02/04/2017 01:23

Great idea Jenny, sometimes when we start to realise what is entailed in a plan it becomes a bit unmanageable! Especially if the OP's finance is now going to be expected to send out invites and get the show on the road with only weeks to spare!

Headofthehive55 · 02/04/2017 07:16

Perhaps he's telling you in an ideal world he would want his family there. It's his wedding too. Doesn't matter it's a late stage, you want to get it right.
Perhaps he was initially doing it for you so you wouldn't miss your dad. But the closer it gets, the more the reality sets in. And now you are seeing his true feelings. He wants his dad there.

Chloe84 · 02/04/2017 08:01

I think it would be unfair to your mum if ILs attend.

DH can't have his cake, and eat it too.

ChasedByBees · 02/04/2017 08:07

I don't think it's fair that it is now arranged so that only his family can attend. Inertia and Jenny have good advice.

Original poster

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 08:30

Thanks All. Going to speak today. I don't think he was just doing it for me given his feelings on going away without all the fuss at the beginning anyway but I could see how that could be the case. He has said that if my dm/db can't attend then he won't open the door to invite his dp's as he wouldn't want it just one sided. I just worry as you say that this is his ideal (although he maybe didn't mention it enough at the start and booked it knowing what the plan was) and he may later regret it but not sure what he wants me to do if he doesn't want to change the Greece wedding. As someone mentioned when I did say to him previously about having a small wedding here he didn't like the idea and I also worry it would open the door for other invites especially if we had it in the town we both come from rather than where we live now which we originally wanted to avoid.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 09:33

Dp has said that he wants to keep the wedding as it is but is annoyed that my dm cannot travel. I told him that is unfair given we booked knowing this. I can't tell if either he genuinely wants his df there or if now df has said this he is using my dm as the excuse of them not being there rather than just owning up to it. I have said I want yo stick to original plan. However would not stop him inviting his dp's regardless of whether my dm/db could make it. Ideally that is not what I would want but I have taken the decision out of my hands so he has to own up and say what he wants so we can sort it.

OP posts:

GoodDayToYou · 02/04/2017 10:21

I would suggest that you and your dp have a good talk and decide together what you both want.

It sounds like you're both happy to go away alone, in which case do that. You might need to be assertive with your fil - tell him your plans and say that you really hope he can support you. Have your wedding reception (call it that to your family) with cake and speeches (maybe ask fil to give a speech?) when you get back.

If you can't find a way to do this now which feels good to you both, I would postpone it. (Maybe have a look at Offbeatbride.com for other ideas.)

Good luck with it all!

Dozer · 02/04/2017 15:28

IMO you are conceding far too much to your DP, and sound far more concerned about his interests than your own. Eg telling him it'd be fine to invite his family to greece knowing yours can't go. Not a great basis for an equal marriage.

He is BU, having shifted the goalposts massively, to be annoyed with your DM!

Original poster

Thewanderer03 · 02/04/2017 15:45

@dozer sorry what is bu? But yes I agree he has moved the goalposts here and making me/my dm seem unreasonable when it had all been planned. My concern is that he would be having a wedding he wouldn't want though it was originally his idea?
We've spoken again I've explained about my dm I don't think he understood perhaps how bad her anxiety is or chose to ignore it. He said whatever happens he does not want to move the wedding to the U.K. He said if that means keeping the original plan to just us two then that is fine but now he can't unsay this and has opened up a can of worms. I ot everything anyway, don't want him to not be doing what he wants but can't see how I can help him when he is not willing to budge on anything. He wants the best of both but unfortunately that is not an option with both sides & abroad.

OP posts:

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