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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me, or him?

86 replies

IfYouCouldSeeMeNow · 01/04/2017 16:58

I'd love some outside opinions; it's driving me insane!

If I upset DP somehow, he goes silent and absent for a bit and it really gets to me.

Todays' example - I usually spend Fridays with him. It's not planned in advance but usually happens. I'm not seeing him as much as usual recently because I'm at a new job so out of the house 7 - 7; and this week I've spent four days abroad for work. I let him know at 3pm yesterday that it looked like it was going to be a late one, and apologised. He said he'd pick me up in an hour when he went to get a takeaway but we weren't finished; he hasn't spoken to me since. I text him last night to say I was home; then this morning, and called twice during the day today, but he's ignored all of it. He is talking to other people, just ignoring me.

To a certain extent I understand; he works from home so is probably a bit lonely and I'm someone different to his flatmates. On the other, he is more than welcome to stay here whenever he wants and he choses not to. I did see him for a bit on Thursday night (he ate with his flatmates but was here for two hours or so after).

I feel that he knows my past and why being ignored really gets to me; and uses it as a punishment when I upset him. I fully expect that he'll eventually message me something totally normal and not reference the huge period of silence; as that's usually how it goes.

My head feels utterly screwed.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/04/2017 17:00

The golden rule is that if someone messes with your head (deliberately in your case as you told him about your past) then they are very, very bad for you and should be avoided at all costs.

happypoobum · 01/04/2017 17:04

You sound great - new job that takes you abroad, good work ethic, keep in contact re arrangements and apologise when advising you will be late.

He sounds like a selfish immature wankbadger.

I suspect you could do a lot better than someone who "chooses to punish you"

Babbaganush · 01/04/2017 17:09

It's him! Playing mind games would be game over for me.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 01/04/2017 17:11

A 'D'P shouldn't make your head feel screwed. I'd lose him if I were you.

WhooooAmI24601 · 01/04/2017 17:12

He's not an adult, he's a child playing games. Can you commit to a relationship where you're treated like this because you have a life away from him? I couldn't.

xStefx · 01/04/2017 17:13

Hmm I think the only thing to do with a guy that purposely messes with your head is to " ignore" him forever

Original poster
IfYouCouldSeeMeNow · 01/04/2017 20:43

Wow, I didn't expect that. Thank you all.

We've been together for nearly 10 years; since I was just out of school. We split just over a year ago and he moved out, hence living apart now, but we got back together after 9 months and I thought we'd worked everything out. Now I'm wondering if actually I'm a placeholder until he finds something better.

He pays 1/5 of the rent here still, it seemed really unfair for him to move out and get off scot free for the rent. We share a car (which means we both pay for it but he drives it), and the furniture is shared...

He's read my messages now (He'll have seen them before on his lock screen but he's actually opened it now) but still said nothing. I'm guessing we'll wait until tomorrow and then pretend nothing has happened. I'm really trying to not let it get to me, but it does. I have such a strong urge to try and fix it, to make him talk to me.

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 01/04/2017 20:45

Sounds like you have yourself a man child.
Sounds also like you could do - and deserve - a lot better. .

LindyHemming · 01/04/2017 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/04/2017 21:04

Op , he doesn't want you to fix it he wants you to suffer, till he's ready to resume normal service.
He's probably jealous of your new found life, ditch the idiot and get some self respect back Flowers

Willow2017 · 01/04/2017 21:06

Get rid he isn't going to change. He feels it's ok to punish you for not being at his beck and call.

Pathetic behaviour in an adult he is acting like a 3 yr old. Don't let him mess you about any longer.

ForalltheSaints · 01/04/2017 21:09

So by the sounds of things he's at least 26 years old and still acts like a teenager. You'd be better off without him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/04/2017 21:20

I'd get rid.

If you are not ready for that then as an absolute minimum do exactly the same back to him. Start the countdown clock when he first tried to get in contact. Blank him for exactly the amount of time he blanked you.

Immature, yes, but the mature approach would be to end it for good. Answering his calls and being nice is also immature but it is immature doormat, while tit for tat is immature with self respect.

harderandharder2breathe · 01/04/2017 21:24

It's him

You kept him informed, you have very good reasons, he's being a dick

PollytheDolly · 01/04/2017 21:42

Emotional/psychological withdrawal is probably the most damaging out of all abuse. Trust me.

dailydance · 01/04/2017 21:43

He's "training" you. Get rid.

PollytheDolly · 01/04/2017 21:44

If you are not ready for that then as an absolute minimum do exactly the same back to him.

I wouldn't recommend this. It will make OP feel worse. That is so exhausting for a non-abusive person.

She needs to lay it on the line and stick to it and never, ever budge. Not even a hint. That is, if she decides to stay.

PollytheDolly · 01/04/2017 21:45

I feel that he knows my past and why being ignored really gets to me; and uses it as a punishment when I upset him.

There you go.

JennyHolzersGhost · 01/04/2017 21:47

You're not the lady who posted a while ago about her partner who had moved out but they were still together and now he was planning to buy a flat on his own - are you?
If you are, you know that everyone on that thread said to get rid !

If not, apologies. Get rid ! Ten years and having lived together is enough time to know whether you're going to commit or not.

dailydance · 01/04/2017 21:50

Absolutely what polly said

DonaldStott · 01/04/2017 21:54

Oh god, get rid. Life's too short for this shite.

You sound very considerate. He, however, sounds immature and disrespectful.

RandomMess · 01/04/2017 22:00

Financially how quickly can you end this?

Stop funding half of the car and him stop paying the rent - when is the contract ending?

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/04/2017 22:17

I think your feeling, that how he behaves isn't ok (and it isn't), is rising up now - correctly and intuitively - at a new and exciting point in your life. It will hopefully lead you to ending the relationship.

Why have someone so childish and hurtful in your life?!

Ten years...? Yeah, I think you guys have given it a good enough go now!

RB68 · 01/04/2017 22:28

Get the car sold and stop paying for it. Stop letting him pay part of the rent so he feels he has a foothold in your life Start being more independent and less reliant on contact with him. Emotionally I think you are vulnerable especially to him. Start trying to ensure other friendships are strong and you have a social life apart from him - you will grow apart if you don't let him have control. It might be easier than going cold turkey.

Definitely financially separate things though

foxyloxy78 · 01/04/2017 22:33

Get rid. You can do a lot better than that. He's behaving like a spoilt brat.