Is it me, or him?

[IfYouCouldSeeMeNow]

I'd love some outside opinions; it's driving me insane!

If I upset DP somehow, he goes silent and absent for a bit and it really gets to me.

Todays' example - I usually spend Fridays with him. It's not planned in advance but usually happens. I'm not seeing him as much as usual recently because I'm at a new job so out of the house 7 - 7; and this week I've spent four days abroad for work. I let him know at 3pm yesterday that it looked like it was going to be a late one, and apologised. He said he'd pick me up in an hour when he went to get a takeaway but we weren't finished; he hasn't spoken to me since. I text him last night to say I was home; then this morning, and called twice during the day today, but he's ignored all of it. He is talking to other people, just ignoring me.

To a certain extent I understand; he works from home so is probably a bit lonely and I'm someone different to his flatmates. On the other, he is more than welcome to stay here whenever he wants and he choses not to. I did see him for a bit on Thursday night (he ate with his flatmates but was here for two hours or so after).

I feel that he knows my past and why being ignored really gets to me; and uses it as a punishment when I upset him. I fully expect that he'll eventually message me something totally normal and not reference the huge period of silence; as that's usually how it goes.

My head feels utterly screwed.

Please get rid! You've given him 10 years of your life, please don't give him anymore.

It sounds to me like you can do a lot better than this. When he gets in touch try ignoring him for a while. Or forever.

That's torture, it's soul destroying behaviour. Partners
take it at face value and jump through hoops trying to
stop doing whatever it is that makes the torturer flip
to ice cold non communication. There's nothing you can do

• it's all him and his torturing of you will damage your mental health.
  Ten years is enough, it's what he is. I'd walk away.

10 years is long enough to live with nonsense like this. Life is so precious, please don't waste another moment with this man-child.

You've outgrown him and he knows it. Move on and don't look back OP.

Sounds like he's playing games..
but the reason you split could be a contributory factor, and possibly even explanatory in some way

You're not the lady who posted a while ago about her partner who had moved out but they were still together and now he was planning to buy a flat on his own - are you?

Yes, that's me. Nothing changed. I sort of got used to the idea that he wants to buy on his own and he can't tell me he loves me because it suited me too; and I like having him around, a lot.

Emotionally I think you are vulnerable especially to him.
My best friend just sent me exactly the same thing... she thinks I should walk away.

My willpower has held out today so far, I've made no contact since I tried to call him at lunchtime. It's very strange but I'm trying to keep myself busy.

Wishing he didn't have a key to my flat, so he can't let himself in whilst I'm at work, but he didn't when we were split before. And I'm not sure that's what I should be thinking about...

Does it get easier? I have few people I can talk to honestly about this. And said best friend is currently on holiday so I'm trying not to bother her too much!

Ah ok. Well in that case I definitely think you've spent enough time on this relationship already. It's time to move on I'm afraid. I appreciate you don't want to let him go but you're selling yourself very short.
Draw a line. Whenever you want to contact him come and post here - we'll help you stay strong

be kind to yourself. You can do this. Oh and about those keys - change the locks. Really.

Definitely change the locks! Good luck-be strong!

And stop paying for his bloody car ! You'll have to take the hit on the rent in exchange I'm afraid. But you really need to separate your finances. Any chance of getting a lodger in til your contract is up and then downsizing ?

If you stay with this little boy there is only one way it will end.

In another ten years' time you will still not be living together, he'll still be being like this - petulant and cruel - and you'll still be wondering what you've done wrong on a monotonously regular basis.

Stop thinking about him and what he wants and why he is the way he is.

What do YOU want in the next ten years? A family? To get married? To actually live under the same roof as someone? To have a partner that understands and appreciates your career and ambition? To be treated with courtesy and respect and have your communications responded to in a loving and. True fashion?

I'm guessing you will want some if not all of the above.
You won't get it with him.

I think it's clean pair of heels time. You won't look back, take it from someone who's been there and has the life she wanted now.

You will be just fine.

Can you imagine him sulking if you had kids together? Can you imagine him treating your children like this?

He's giving you the perfect opportunity to get rid of him with minimal fuss. Pay all the rent yourself. Give him the car. Get your keys back. Then relax, enjoy your new job and be kind to yourself.

I can't imagine him having a family with me. He knows I want one; but I just can't see it with him anymore. I'd have liked to. It used to be my big dream.

I'm missing him now; but I think it's a blend of boredness and that it's so strange not to be talking. We're usually in pretty frequent contact so for him not to reply since I said I wasn't ready to be picked up is unusual. I'm quite social and I'm feeling quite lonely. I can't quite believe he thinks that is so deserving of this length of 'punishment'.

I'm writing this just to stop me writing something to him, really. I'll keep rereading all your posts and hopefully they will keep me strong!

Why not take yourself out to the cinema no phones plenty of distraction?

Anchordown namechange?

You need some new friends and new hobbies. Learn to knit, join a softball league, volunteer at a church or food bank. And/or start meticulously cleaning out your place so you can give him all his crap back when you tell him it's over.

Because you have wasted too much time here already. If you want to be with someone who won't say he loves you, you should be having a LOT more fun than you are now.

You're young, you're doing great. Silent treatment is emotional abuse and led to severe anxiety when it was done me. It also led to 'highs' when he got back in touch, which fooled me into thinking I loved him more than I actually did.

He's emotionally illiterate using silence to punish you. It's your weekend and he wants you to suffer cuz you worked an hour later or something?

Get angry and tell him to fuck off. You're wasting your precious time on him.

He sounds awful. If you stay with him you may be posting exactly the same thing in another 10 years.

Good points RB68. Tell him to grow up OP.

Time to make a plan to keep yourself occupied OP! Sit down and come up with some nice ideas - hobbies, holidays, maybe skills training related to your work, catching up with friends and family - and then plan them out on the calendar. Look up clubs etc that are relevant and see which evenings or days they meet. Go to the cinema as suggested above. Do a wardrobe refresh. Get a stack of books and films lined up from the library and Netflix. You can do this !

Go for a swim / walk / jog / cycle. Make a plan to get better at it - set goals and develop some short, medium and long routes. Then plan when you can do them.

Buggered my name change! Damn app. Ah well. Most people had worked out who I am anyway.

Still no contact. This doesn't feel very mature. I'm doing okay right now, I'm at work. Kept myself busy last night.

I'm doing the right thing, aren't I? I can't see how anyone would think this is how to break up, presuming that's his plan - or even if not, just to ignore your partner of 10 years for a whole weekend.

Oh OP, it's defiantly not you - it's him, it sounds like he's a manipulative arsehole.
10 years of your life is plenty to have spent on him - don't waste another day.
You're young, it sounds like you're doing well professionally - you've got you whole life ahead of you.
You deserve better and I think you need to sever all ties for your mental wellbeing. You've outgrown him, and have bigger and better things to look forward to.
Wean yourself off him, develop new friendships or strengthen existing ones - this man can't be your emotional support, he doesn't want to and is hurting you on purpose.
It's time to call it all to an end. You know you deserve more and can do better and be happier than this. Good luck.

He is giving you silent treatment because you were at work and not available when he wants you?! How crazy is that? Just think about that, because this stuff starts to seem so normal that you start accepting it.

Imagine what it would be like to have kids with him. He will give silent treatment to the kids too.

OP, I would go to him and get my key off him, let rip about what a childish fucking manchild he is and then block him on every avenue of communication.

I'd change the lock barrel on your flat. Quit focusing on what's the right way to break up, there isn't one, and focus on you and not this immature manchild. You've outgrown him. He knows it. You deserve so much more than this. No contacting him, no 'chats', stay strong.

He's waiting for you to crack, to chase him, beg him for contact.

Eventually he will get sick of waiting for his ego boost and contact you himself. Probably with accusations of you sleeping with other men, I would guess. Or similar to get you declaring your undying love for him so he can get his ego boost.