To think this is suffocating and weird

[Everyoneafter3]

We (me and dh) are in our late 30s. We both have responsible jobs, own our home, run two cars, minimal debts etc. In other words, we are functioning adults.

Whatever we do, wherever we go, MIL wants to know that we are safe. We're on holiday and MIL was very stressed about us travelling, are we safe etc. We live in the nw and are currently in the Lakes.

Dh works in environmental health and whenever there is any sort environmental health issue reported by the local media she'll start sending frantic messages hoping that dh is safe. Dh is a keen runner and she wants to buy dh a phone to take with him so he's safe while running. He has a phone! We don't even tell her I run...

On the rare occasion dh might go into the city centre for a night out of even work she gets very worried and makes a big fuss about needing to pick him up, buses aren't safe etc.

It's absolutely ridiculous. Unfortunately she acts this way with our dc and it's driving them crackers too.

How often does this stuff happen?

My experience is with Blue and Elinor

With two different friends who go through times of severe anxiety as part of wider conditions, and one has to deal with paranoia too when her MH is going through a bad patch. With both, with the best of intentions and wanting to help, I tried for some time to provide the information they were needing to compulsively seek in the hope it would help them feel calmer. As Elinor says, it fed the anxiety and it then moved on to a meltdown if they texted during a meeting for example, and I couldn't answer them for an hour or so, or if my plans changed, and the pace of needing the information/reassurance began to escalate. It actually made them feel worse, not better, and it kind of bought into validating that there really was something they needed to feel anxious about. For some people this isn't the best way to help. I'm sure for others it is.

For both my friends, what really helped was good professional support.

I truly empathise with fellow anxiety sufferers, but I find this thread bizarre! Relatives and ILs of people with severe anxiety are absolutely not obligated to live their lives around accommodating that person or allowing an unreasonable level of intrusion into and control over their lives.

MN varies so much - if the OP had posted it on a different day she'd have received a ton of "YANBU - ignore her." For some reason the "having anxiety gives you a free pass to do anything without criticism" brigade are out today.

Honestly I find the insistence on diagnosing random strangers with anxiety on the basis of reading a couple of sentences about them (to the point of arguing down their own family who know them saying they do not have anxiety), and the sweeping generalisations that anxiety can be magically managed by the odd short text, pretty offensive towards anxiety sufferers. We are not a hive mind!

Tabasco Nobody is saying that people should put up with unwarranted levels of intrusion - in fact most of us have repeatedly emphasised that OP's MIL should seek professional help to deal with what is clearly unreasonable behaviour. Nor is anybody saying that a quick text post-travelling 'magically fixes' anxiety. It doesn't. But it is a reasonable adjustment that the family and friends of an anxiety suffered can make that WILL, in many cases, help the sufferer cope. You would make small and reasonable adjustments to support a loved one with a physical illness - why wouldn't you do so for a loved one with a mental illness?

As for anxiety sufferers being a hive mind - of course we're not, but there ARE recognisable, statistically prevalent symptoms and it's not unreasonable to acknowledge those.

LaContessa What made this thread hard reading wasn't the people expressing frustration, it was the people insisting that anxiety sufferers should just get over it alone and shouldn't be 'pandered to'. Being told that you should comfort yourself with statistics etc shows a distinct lack of understanding of what anxiety is and it makes me sad that there are sufferers out there who are treated that way by their loved ones. My family don't indulge my anxiety but they absolutely supported me while I went through (and continue to go through) treatment. A big part of that treatment plan was to establish with the help of a therapist what healthy and unhealthy boundaries look like. Unhealthy is not wanting my husband to travel for work or expecting him to text me every hour while he's there. Healthy is requesting that he let me know when he arrives safely at his destination.

Of course anxiety sufferers have to take responsibility for our own mental health and wellbeing but I hardly think sending a simple 'arrived safe' text is a massive hardship and when an anxiety sufferer has clearly explained what an impact that can have (for those of us with travel-related anxiety) and how it makes the difference between anxiety that is manageable and a full-blown anxiety attack, it's upsetting to see people here essentially saying that anxiety sufferers should just be left to get on with it alone. I know how it feels to not get that text, to be left to deal with it alone and honestly, if my husband did that to me I don't think I would be here any more. And I am a person who is extremely active about getting ongoing help (both therapy and medication). It just doesn't go away overnight.

Anxiety is a mental illness, not a choice, and providing someone is making efforts to seek help / self treat, I think it is the kind and right thing to do to make reasonable adjustments to support them, just as you would with any other kind of illness. That's all.

OP - sorry for derailing your thread with all this. I've said it repeatedly but I'll say it again - while I believe you should make reasonable adjustments to support your MIL (like sending the quick text you mention) it certainly sounds like her current behaviour is unreasonable and she should seek professional help to address it. I hope you're able to find a balance that works for you.

Quite. For the fourth time, I am not going into the massive backstory with MIL and FIL (which involves ignoring clear issues with their children while living under their roof yet "worrying" i.e. controlling over minor things) but for many it has balls-all to do with anxiety and everything to do with control disguised as concern and how they present themselves to others.

If not getting a text from someone makes you physically ill, then you have a clinical problem

yes true- that is actual anxiety - not 'oh dear I feel a bit nervous' it is a severe physical and psychological issue

If someone if severely anxious does texting them actually help though? Surely they will then just be anxious about something else?

This is very true, a suffer would feel ok for a short while.

And then the catastrophic through process WOULD begin over something else.

A text does ease the suffer, but you are right as it isn't solving the anxiety the focus soon moves onto something else

Can you imagine living like that, having your head and body in such a state 24 hours a day?

Just to add too, I don't think any anxiety suffers have said that being a suffer, entitles us to a free pass to be a pain. We KNOW we can be a pain and be difficult to deal with - if it is hard for you to be around us - how do you think it feels to be inside our heads? The only time I see myself getting any peace of mind is when I die

Great post peachgreen couldn't have put it better myself

There is no quick fix to anxiety. I am very aware I have a problem and have been driven to the point of suicide several times by these intrusive anxiety provoking thoughts that doctors and therapists cannot seem to help with.

Sorry I just read some of my messages, and realise they come across as a bit aggressive at times - its not my intention guys - please don't think I'm prodding at anyone . I guess being 'understood' as an anxiety suffer is important to me and the effect it has on the people around me

Sorry again, and unles someone messages me direct ill stop messaging as am also aware of triggering other suffers - its hard to talk about this stuff and I'm grateful of a place to vent

Until I read this thread I had no-one idea that wanting the reassurance of knowing my adult children got there/home safely was a medical condition that I should see the doctor about!!

I told my children of this thread today and they all laughed - mind you they expect to hear from me too on the rare occasion I go out. So guess they should see the doctor too!! LOL

More seriously than my last post. I wonder if past events make us overly anxious about our loved ones. Those of us who have lost people suddenly - ie they have gone out one day quite well, and had an fatal accident and never returned home again - would be more inclined to worry. I have lost several loved ones this way and therefore know that the worst can and does happen, and so maybe, although not connecting it until now, it's always somewhere at the back of our mind. If so I don't think that's an abnormal reaction, just a normal reaction to an abnormal happening.

There are a variety of possible scenarios.

1. Family member lives 20 minutes drive away and visits elderly relative two or three times a week in daylight hours. Elderly relative wanting to check that visitor has got back safely seems excessive.

2. Family member has 300 mile journey to visit elderly relative, which is undertaken only a couple of times year. It may involve a road like the Honnister Pass, which can be tricky in poor weather.

Asking for a text after 1) seems unreasonable. Wanting a safe arrival text after journey 2) would be more explicable.

Playing devil's advocate here Elinor but maybe those people who have known loved ones be killed just a short distance from home, on an otherwise quite ordinary day, would think differently.

I know what you are saying though, of course, but just everyone's experiences and personal tragedies differ, and therefore our reactions to them differ also - hence the above scenario.

I am thinking - though this is a slightly different point - about the Very Dangerous Roundabout That Never Should Have Been Built. I was visiting my mother who was widowed and driving her to her church which is several miles away. I asked her to give me directions and she gave me ones that were of a really circuitous type - all round the Wrekin.

I said, 'Surely this isn't the quickest way.'
And she said, 'Yes, but it is the way your father went. It avoids the Very Dangerous Roundabout That Should Never Have been built.'

This startled me as I do know the area reasonably well. So when I was driving her back, I said, 'Okay I am willing to try the Very Dangerous Roundabout. I take full responsibility for the Danger.

So my mother pointed me on the more direct route.

And the Very Dangerous Roundabout was just a roundabout linking a B road to a busyish A-road/dual carriageway. It was the sort of roundabout I do every day. My late father had lost confidence as a driver, and had infected my mother with his terror.

Until I read this thread I had no-one idea that wanting the reassurance of knowing my adult children got there/home safely was a medical condition that I should see the doctor about!!

It isn't. You have totally the wrong end of the stick in order to ridicule a condition you know nothing about

THIS is exactly why people don't talk about anxiety, the ACTUAL anxiety - because of narrow minded people!!

I think people need to realise the difference between normal concern for family, and debilitating anxiety.

Massive difference. Anxiety disorders can destroy people and their families

You wouldn't say 'I didn't realise feeling a bit down, meant I needed medical attention' to a clinically depressed person, would you?

bigmac It isn't - but the difference is, if you didn't hear you'd probably assume they'd forgotten and get on with your day, even if you were still a bit concerned and relieved when you did hear from them. For me, not hearing would cause my entire day to come to a stop and I would be paralysed (sometimes physically) with fear until I'd heard.

Your post highlights my point though - asking for a text when someone has got safely to their destination is very normal even for someone without anxiety and a reasonable adjustment for friends/family to make.

See, I don't think it is reasonable, it's unecessary. Bad news travels, so no news should be assumed to be good news.

I would be paralysed (sometimes physically) with fear until I'd heard

True, and this , it turns me into someone I don't want to be.

Unless someone has anxiety.

In which case it might be reasonable to reassure, but in other cases might not help.

OP is better placed than us to judge whether in MiL's case it's primarily anxiety, or control-as-concern.