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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is suffocating and weird

97 replies

Everyoneafter3 · 01/04/2017 13:46

We (me and dh) are in our late 30s. We both have responsible jobs, own our home, run two cars, minimal debts etc. In other words, we are functioning adults.

Whatever we do, wherever we go, MIL wants to know that we are safe. We're on holiday and MIL was very stressed about us travelling, are we safe etc. We live in the nw and are currently in the Lakes.

Dh works in environmental health and whenever there is any sort environmental health issue reported by the local media she'll start sending frantic messages hoping that dh is safe. Dh is a keen runner and she wants to buy dh a phone to take with him so he's safe while running. He has a phone! We don't even tell her I run...

On the rare occasion dh might go into the city centre for a night out of even work she gets very worried and makes a big fuss about needing to pick him up, buses aren't safe etc.

It's absolutely ridiculous. Unfortunately she acts this way with our dc and it's driving them crackers too.

OP posts:
RainbowInACloud · 01/04/2017 14:30

I don't have anxiety so can't relate exactly but I don't think you should indulge her by texting to say you're safe. It just feeds the anxiety and it sounds like she needs to manage it in other ways. I think it is colluding by agreeing to text and reassure her.
I would find this neediness very irritating.
I would keep 'forgetting' to answer until she got the message x

thatdearoctopus · 01/04/2017 14:30

There are some people, though, who do this and it's not so much to do with anxiety, but about making every bloody thing about them. So, if you're ill, then you get a phone call from your dad telling you how worried your mother is.

HotelEuphoria · 01/04/2017 14:31

You should put Find My Friends on her phone and his so she knows you are safe and where you are at all times.

DD put it on my phone when she went to uni.

0nly half joking

ohdoadoodoo · 01/04/2017 14:37

Rainbow - I don't have anxiety so can't relate exactly but I don't think you should indulge her by texting to say you're safe. It just feeds the anxiety that's really not how it works and what you've written clearly shows that you've never suffered the completely debilitating and sheer panic feeling of thinking that harm has come to the person you love the most.

No, it's not always rational but it truly can not be helped. It's a horrid feeling and the MIL won't think "Oh they're probably just having a nice time!", she'll be working herself up and up the more time goes by, and won't be able to relax again until she knows they're safe.

It's like having a dog with separation anxiety (which is a form of what this is). You wouldn't say "Oh just leave him for 10 hours and don't pay any attention to him as that will just feed the anxiety", would you?

You need to all work on this together and arrange something that works for all of you. Perhaps say to MIL no texting on setting off and on the journey, but I will text you as soon as we've arrived. Then go from there.

SenseiWoo · 01/04/2017 14:41

thatdearoctopus, are you my sister?

Constant reassurance can just generate a need for even more intense reassurance. So it might be as well to tell your MIL what you will and won't do by way of calls and texts, then stick to it. I.e. you will contact her x many times on your holiday but no more, won't call when back from a night out etc.

PinkFlamingo545 · 01/04/2017 14:41

ohdoadoodoo - great post - I am glad you said that.

No Rainbow what you are suggesting would make it worse. As you say you don't suffer with anxiety

PinkFlamingo545 · 01/04/2017 14:44

You should put Find My Friends on her phone and his so she knows you are safe and where you are at all times

Stalker territory - anxiety or not, no one , parent or otherwise, should have this kind of control over another adult, to know where they are 24 hours a day

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 01/04/2017 14:49

My mum is like this. Unfortunately she assumes everyone else must be as well, so when her phone didn't work last time she went on holiday, and I didn't hear from her and just figured she had phone trouble, she was incredibly miffed that I hadn't been hysterically worried. Apparently I should have contacted the local British consulate to check up on her Grin. She can't get her head round the idea it's possible to love someone and not spend every second you're not with them worrying about them...

PinkFlamingo545 · 01/04/2017 14:51

She can't get her head round the idea it's possible to love someone and not spend every second you're not with them worrying about them

If you could teach this to people you would be a millionaire

What I wouldn't give, for a bit of peace of mind

PNGirl · 01/04/2017 14:59

I so sympathise. When we drive the 4 hours to see my parents MIL will text every hour "How you doing?" (she also texts me not DH because she assumes he'll be driving which drives me nuts as we split it). She doesn't really want to know how far we've got, just that we're not in a burning fireball. She doesn't have anxiety - she's one of the "all about me" people.

We just humour her to be honest. When DH goes away she always wants to know flight numbers too and I have to tell her I don't know and that it's whichever plane that's landing at about 2pm.

PinkFlamingo545 · 01/04/2017 15:05

PNGirl - how do you know she doesn't have anxiety? Most of us don't brag about it, even to close family. Only my husband knows how bad I can be, but its unpredicatable, I am not always a shaking mess struggling to breathe and self medicating on vodka because the meds don't do fk all

How does checking up on you make you feel she is making it all about her? - it honestly makes me feel so sad that a family member could think this of me

Please believe I am not argumentative I am interested how this behaviour effects others - as I am very careful how my anxiety effects others close to me - therefore many people close to me don't realise how bad I am

I can be having a massive meltdown, panic attacks, not able to breathe one minute, then an hour later I'm the life and soul in the pub

PinkFlamingo545 · 01/04/2017 15:07

You know something though, reading this the OP does seem well balanced, and not really giving the MIL cause for concern. I wish I only had those issues to worry about alas, I have fam members with real issues that wont go away overnight - which aflame my anxiety to burning point

PNGirl · 01/04/2017 15:19

She does not have anxiety. She's the type of person who tells you every health issue she has in great detail. She also likes to be seen as reacting in a way she thinks a doting parent "should". I'm not going to go into her particular personality traits because I love her to bits but she's very much a "I was only in x place last year! That could have been me!" when there's a terrorist attack for example.

PNGirl · 01/04/2017 15:22

She's also friends with my mum and likes to tell me how worried my mum is about me over something trivial. When I speak to mum these conversations haven't happened but she likes her worrying validated.

peachgreen · 01/04/2017 15:27

PNGirl that all sounds like classic anxiety symptoms to me.

peachgreen · 01/04/2017 15:28

Sorry, hit enter too soon. People can have anxiety and not realise it - they think it's just the way they are.

mavornia · 01/04/2017 15:30

I'm more inclined to view it as control dressed up as concern. You can get away with an awful lot of unwelcome intrusion by dressing it up as, "I have no peace until I know he's arrived, I just want to know you're safe etc etc" but it's actually keeping tabs on you

ohdoadoodoo · 01/04/2017 15:48

Mav - that's such an assumption and it's horrible that you would judge someone in that way. Do you really believe that anxiety in this form doesn't exist?

PandoraMole · 01/04/2017 15:51

My mum is very similar to this.

We used to have a system where I'd send her a text 'AP&C' (All Presnt & Correct!) once I'd safely arrived at my destination.

These days she uses Facebook so if I'm away or doing anything out of the normal routine I will check in on there intermittently so she can see that I'm OK without me having to actually phone (which is a nightmare these days as she deaf and refuses to wear her hearing aids).

I think it's reasonable to want to know loved ones are ok, but it can be very frustrating to be on the receiving end.

LadyPW · 01/04/2017 15:56

My mum did this to me after my sister died in a car crash - total anxiety on her part though I doubt she'd admit it. She still does it to a certain extent - hadn't remembered I had an appointment one day, rang me at home & obviously didn't get me, and got herself worked up so she sent my dad round to check! Luckily they don't live far. I arrived home just as he got there. I wasn't impressed but I do understand it. It is suffocating but she can't help it. She also rang a partner of mine when I wasn't home when she thought I'd be after a weekend - I'd only (foolishly) given her their number for emergencies. That apparently counted. I was so Blush
Just send a short text. It doesn't hurt & it makes her feel better.

mavornia · 01/04/2017 15:59

ohdo, I'm sure there are instances where people suffer from anxiety, build things up in their minds and are indeed unable to function until they receive reassurance.

I certainly don't deny this and meant no offence.

However, having experience of this with my own in-laws, I also think it is entirely possible for a mil (or other family member) not wanting to feel ousted, wanting to keep tabs on other family members and basically overstepping the mark but presenting their desire to know every detail and every bit of your business by pretending to be so concerned

Bluetrews25 · 01/04/2017 15:59

But anxious people will never be reassured. They need to learn to control their anxiety not control everyone around them by constant reassurance-seeking, which is never effective for long. Reassurance givers enable this behaviour. Sure, it relieves the anxiety for a second or two, but you make no progress until you learn to ride the wave of anxiety.
I'm not saying it's easy!
CBT and relaxation exercises plus refusal of others to reassure (yes, really) is the way to go.
Or you can carry on with the tracking devices, texts and calls that can end up pushing your loved ones further away.

IThinkIMadeYouUpInsideMyHead · 01/04/2017 15:59

My DM is like this. If it's raining, she'll want to know if I got to work okay (I've been driving the same route for 20 years), if she hears about an accident of any kind on the radio, will ring to check if it was me or DH, wants to know every step of every holiday itinerary and so on. If I try to organise a treat for her, she will call a dozen times to be reassured about times, food, etc.

I find it intolerably intrusive and it has affected our relationship because I feel I can't tell her anything. I also refuse to engage with her any more because it's only enabling her. If she refuses to get help, that is her right, but I won't have her sucking the pleasure and joy out of my life.

OP, YANBU

IloveBanff · 01/04/2017 16:08

I'll admit to worrying about my husband and daughter who are both excellent drivers, because of the number of people on the road who aren't and who drive dangerously/while texting/on their mobiles etc. It's other people I don't trust, not my husband and daughter.
My husband left before I woke this morning to go fishing in Essex today and we live on the Sussex coast, so he phoned me this morning to say he'd arrived there and he will phone me this evening just before he leaves for the journey home to let me know when to expect him. Similarly, our daughter (who has left home) lets me know she's OK when she's on one of her trips abroad or driving a long way. I never ever phone them to ask, as I don't want to be a pain, but they know I worry so they're both kind and thoughtful enough to let me know they're OK so that I don't imagine the worst.

LadyPW · 01/04/2017 16:12

But there's a balance between a bit of reassurance (a text to say we've arrived or we're home) and texting every 5 minutes. I don't think that a low level of reassurance is a bad thing, and avoid mentioning events that could trigger more anxiety. OP could mention the idea of seeking help for anxiety but if MIL doesn't want help or doesn't recognise that she has an issue then it's pretty mean to refuse to provide a basic level that most people would give to someone with no anxiety.

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