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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is suffocating and weird

97 replies

Everyoneafter3 · 01/04/2017 13:46

We (me and dh) are in our late 30s. We both have responsible jobs, own our home, run two cars, minimal debts etc. In other words, we are functioning adults.

Whatever we do, wherever we go, MIL wants to know that we are safe. We're on holiday and MIL was very stressed about us travelling, are we safe etc. We live in the nw and are currently in the Lakes.

Dh works in environmental health and whenever there is any sort environmental health issue reported by the local media she'll start sending frantic messages hoping that dh is safe. Dh is a keen runner and she wants to buy dh a phone to take with him so he's safe while running. He has a phone! We don't even tell her I run...

On the rare occasion dh might go into the city centre for a night out of even work she gets very worried and makes a big fuss about needing to pick him up, buses aren't safe etc.

It's absolutely ridiculous. Unfortunately she acts this way with our dc and it's driving them crackers too.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/04/2017 16:15

It does sound a bit OTT, perhaps a GP appointment, would be in order.
It can't be very nice for her, constantly in this state.
Most of us would like to know that our family members have arrived safely, after their flight, but this seems just a little bit out of control, you will never be able to appease her.

ohdoadoodoo · 01/04/2017 16:19

Banff that's ideal. Not too intrusive!

I don't think that people should have to send hourly updates, however for someone with anxiety, a quick "Hey I'm here!" is all it takes to reassure them.

I used to have extreme anxiety about something happening to my OH, if I knew he was going on a long journey without me, or if he said he was driving to a friend's etc. and I consequently didn't hear from him for a few hours after I figured he should have arrived.

It's an awful feeling and there's NOTHING you can do to relax until you hear from them.

I don't care if I don't hear from him all night, but I do need to know that he's alive and got there OK, otherwise my mind starts catastrophizing!

We both send a quick message just to let the other know that we've arrived somewhere safely and that works for us. Luckily my anxiety is getting more manageable as well.

StickyWick · 01/04/2017 16:27

ILoveBanff
he will phone me this evening just before he leaves for the journey home to let me know when to expect him home

If this was me this would increase any anxiety - firstly the phone call would make me think of the car journey and secondly if I was expecting him at a set time and he got delayed then I would be worrying something happened. I would find a vague 'I'll be home in the evening sometime' would work better.

My DH travels all over the world and I can't say I worry about him. I know if there is a problem I will hear about t soon enough. I love looking at statistics so a quick check of the likely hood of, for example, dying in a plane crash is surely more reassuring than him telling me when he is leaving or arriving. That would seem so over the top to me.

WizardOfToss · 01/04/2017 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willwe · 01/04/2017 16:37

My sister is a nuisance for this. She rang in a panic in case we were caught up in the attack at Westminster, when we live 2 hrs away and had no plans to go to London.
I had major surgery and when she felt my husband wasn't giving her enough information she rang the ward, I took a few hours to come to after the anaesthetic and she wanted a nurse to wake me so she could talk to me to see if I was OK!
If there are road accidents in the area where DH and I live she'll text.

BertrandRussell · 01/04/2017 16:38

How often does she call, OP?

peachgreen · 01/04/2017 17:00

This thread is horrible to read for someone with anxiety. All this 'that's so over the top' and 'look at the statistics' etc is essentially like telling someone with depression to 'snap out of it'. Anxiety is debilitating and awful and nobody wants rid of it more than the person who has it. But it's not that simple.

Birdsgottaf1y · 01/04/2017 17:15

I was really pleased when Carol Vordeman spoke out about the anxiety that she suffered as she went through and post Menopause.

I was going through the same, but because I've never been anxious, hadn't recognised my symptoms as anxiety.

I started to read around the subject and how anxiety presents post Menopause, can be different to what we understand as anxiety.

I'd have an upfront conversation with her and see if she can be helped to need less reassurance.

IThinkIMadeYouUpInsideMyHead · 01/04/2017 17:22

With respect, Peachgreen and others, it's not about telling an anxious person to get over themselves, it's about saying your anxiety is reaching clinical levels and you may need professional help. And if any aspect of your health is having an impact on someone else, then you have to consider their feelings too.

peachgreen · 01/04/2017 17:39

I disagree that requesting a text when someone is travelling and arrives somewhere safely is unreasonable and requires clinical help. A big part of treating an anxiety disorder is working out what's reasonable and unreasonable, and that is not unreasonable.

Pigface1 · 01/04/2017 17:58

I have a LOT of sympathy for you about this OP. My mum is also like this. It's entirely due to anxiety. However, I also suffer from anxiety, so whilst I entirely understand why she does it, I find that her intense paranoia over my and DH's safety makes me super anxious.

Unfortunately I have had to distance myself from her because of it. It's sad but it seems to work best for both of us. If she doesn't know I'm going on a boat, she doesn't fret that it will sink!

peachgreen · 01/04/2017 18:30

Please note though that I did suggest OP speak to her MIL about getting professional help - obviously her anxiety is causing her to behave in an unreasonable way. But there are some really callous commenters here. It takes three seconds to send a text saying 'arrived safe' but it makes a huge difference to someone with anxiety.

Olympiathequeen · 01/04/2017 19:01

I think your DH has to try to get her to address her anxiety issues with her GP, because telling her to stop is useless.

ElinorRigby · 01/04/2017 19:14

I think if people have a good relationship with parents or inlaws they are happy to text with updates 'arrived safely' etc, because this is part of normal communication.

The trouble about anxiety is it means that no communication is normal. My mother has a number of anxieties but it is completely unrelated to any actual dangers. So, for example, at one point she was totally preoccupied by the fact there was a slight shortage of parking spaces in her sheltered accommodation.

I got to her flat feeling as if I could do with some comfort as I'd been driving in a heavy rainstorm up a busy motorway in thick traffic. It was the sort of situation in which accidents can and do happen. I was with my small daughter and my partner - who normally accompanies me and can provide reassurance when driving conditions are poor - was absent.

Anyway I arrived and said, 'I'm glad to get here. That was a terrible journey.'

My mother who was in the area affected by the rain storm, just said, 'Yes, but did you find a parking space.''

I think you can only give anxious people the level of reassurance you persnally feel comfortable about giving.

Dozer · 01/04/2017 19:21

It's not necessarily good, for the anxious person, to comply with the anxious person's wishes on things like contact.

I have anxiety. When it affects others, eg the DC, I know that's not good and that I need to work on it.

IME sometimes anxiety issues are not acknowledged in families and people do things to make the sufferer more comfortable in the short term, rather than encourage them to seek help.

PNGirl · 01/04/2017 20:08

Again, she doesn't have anxiety. She is a medical professional and regularly works with those who do. The person who mentioned that it's control dressed up as concern rang bells with me. It's FIL as well as MIL, in fact he can be worse.

PinkFlamingo545 · 01/04/2017 20:20

It takes three seconds to send a text saying 'arrived safe' but it makes a huge difference to someone with anxiety

So true, can stop days of literally feeling sick and paralysed with anxiety and worry. Some days anxiety can get out of control to such a huge extent because a person cannot get the answers they need, can leave a person suicidal = as it is almost too much to bear. It is not living, it is existing, and if all I had to do, in order to make another human (especially one I claimed to care about) stop suffering, was to text to say I am OK, then I would gladly do it. With=holding information from someone who suffers from acute anxiety could be seen as controlling too = as it literally makes them physically ill and DOES NOT STOP

PinkFlamingo545 · 01/04/2017 20:23

Again, she doesn't have anxiety. She is a medical professional and regularly works with those who do

Have you ever asked her? Have you ever heard of high functioning anxiety?

Things like anxiety or depression are INVISIBLE illnesses - and people would much prefer to think that you are just a bad person, rather than admit that you could in fact be massively struggling - because it is easier for other people to make negative judgements

Don't ever pretend to know what is going on in someone else's head

IThinkIMadeYouUpInsideMyHead · 02/04/2017 08:34

If not getting a text from someone makes you physically ill, then you have a clinical problem. The information being "withheld" is not whether someone has survived the night in ICU, it's whether a flight landed (fairly sure it would be on the news if it didn't) or if you managed to survive a short run.
I also know that in my own case, if I responded once, I'd get multiple texts. If I didn't answer texts, because I was in the pool or at work, there would be missed calls on my landline, my mobile and DH's mobile. I am a non vulnerable, functioning adult. It implies a lack of trust on her part that I can survive without her even though I've done so since I was 17.

HereThereThen · 02/04/2017 08:56

If someone if severely anxious does texting them actually help though? Surely they will then just be anxious about something else?

BertrandRussell · 02/04/2017 09:01

I do not suffer from anxiety. But I like it when my children text me when they get where they are going. It means I can turn off the mild background irrational worry that I am pretty sure most parents feel when their children are not actually in eyeshot! My dd is away at university so I usually don't know what she is doing day to day. But today she is going hillwalking, and she will text me when she gets home. No need, of course- there are plenty of other nearer people to take action if she doesn't get home. But she knows it makes me happy. It takes her 20 seconds. So why wouldn't she?

ElinorRigby · 02/04/2017 09:02

I think it is the nature of anxiety that it finds something to be anxious about.

So complying with excessive demands for reassurance solves nothing. The anxiety will just find some new target.

Finding a reasonable level of responsiveness i.e. (I'll ring you after major journeys e.g. long night-time drives in heavy traffic/poor weather conditions - but not after routine daytime journeys) is probably best for the non-anxious relatives. The people with raised anxiety levels are probably best if they seek professional help and/or seek to limit the demands they make on their family for constant reassurance.

LaContessaDiPlump · 02/04/2017 09:08

Look, I get it - I have anxiety myself. But complaining that this thread is horrible for a person with anxiety to read - come on. People without anxiety are ALLOWED to find the manifestations of it frustrating and to voice those frustrations somewhere safely hidden from their RL friends/family. When you complain that the thread is sad reading then you're basically telling people without anxiety that they are awful for feeling how they feel. Seems a bit ironic, that.

LadyPW · 02/04/2017 09:44

If someone if severely anxious does texting them actually help though? Surely they will then just be anxious about something else?
I think it depends on the nature of their anxiety. I have high levels of anxiety with my Asperger's but it only affects me in certain ways. I don't spend every waking second anxious, or even part of every day. It just varies with what's going on. If someone has high levels of anxiety regarding travelling then once the other person's journey is over & they're known to be safe, the anxiety goes away & they can get on with life.

Original poster
Everyoneafter3 · 02/04/2017 09:59

Interesting viewpoints, thank you.

I have anxiety. I get it, I really do. I think though if she just said "just give me a quick text when you get there, and have a great time" we'd think no more of it. It's the constant are you okay, oh dear I hope it doesn't rain while you're driving, I hope you stay safe, oh dear I hope you've got enough food, are you warm enough you're running, oh dear are you making sure the dc like their packed lunches, are you sure swimming lessons are a good idea? They might be scared!, are you safe at work, can dh manage to get his hayfever medication?, is the cat okay? Does he have to go out in the rain?

It's maddening!

OP posts:
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