Should you watch your alcohol intake if baby is sick?

[papercoversrock]

In a nutshell: You have a rare night of drinking planned and your baby is unusually sick, but after vomiting looks lively. Your spouse is looking after the baby. Do you still go out? Do you still drink? How drunk do you let yourself get?

Details: DH has a friend visiting this weekend. They go back years, see each other maybe twice a year and are guaranteed to get shitfaced when they meet up. Not normally a problem. Tonight, they were sitting in the back yard, taking it steady and contemplating whether to go out. I went up to check on our baby (11 months) and found that he’d been sick. (Just to clarify, I had his monitor on, but I hadn’t heard or seen anything out of the ordinary.) He’s been sick nine times since he was born, and each time was just a tiny inoffensive bit of sicky spittle. He’s just never been a sicky baby. Tonight, he properly spewed, soaked his mattress and was caked in the stuff. So something was definitely wrong – not just a baby being a baby. I told DH, took DS for a bath, and within minutes, DH came to see DS and, having seen him upright and lively, informed me that he and his friend were going out. I was a bit surprised. If the boot was on the other foot I’d have at least hung around to make sure DS settled ok, and checked that DH was happy for me to go. But I suppose he had a friend to entertain and I was handling things. So off they went. Within half an hour, DS was sick again, in a big way. Didn’t feel like it was going to stop. Went all over everything, including me. So I call DH, to let him know. He’s not answering so I leave a message. Take DS up for another bath. Come back down. Call again. Still no answer so I leave another message. Half an hour later DH calls. Says maybe baby should sleep in our room tonight. I say ok. But my hands are full with DS so I wait for DH to come home so I can get the cot set up in our bedroom. Time goes by. DS falls asleep in bed with me. Eventually DH gets home, and he’s paralytic, falling around drunk. Falls into bed and passes out. I take baby out of his way and sleep elsewhere.
At the moment, I’m doing the night shift keeping an eye on DS every now and then. I can’t smell anything but sick and I’m completely knackered. So I might be being harsh. But DH not only went out immediately he knew there was a problem, leaving me to deal with things – he also gave himself permission to get so completely shitfaced he wouldn’t be any use to anybody if things took a turn for the worse. He has previous form for pleasing himself at my expense, but let’s assume this is a one-off. Would you be ok with this, or would he have a suitable punishment waiting for him in the morning?

DS is fine by the way. No temperature, no rash, not been irritable, and I'm keeping a close eye!

I would not be ok with this. You're a team and it's not fair to bugger off when baby is vomiting...that type of night needs shift work to grab some sleep and one person to change sheets while the other holds baby etc.

Having said this, don't be too harsh on him. We all know what it's like to be excited to be out out and get carried away. So yes it's a crime but not of the highest order.

Glad DS seems ok. X

If it's a planned rare night out and the baby is sick but not seriously so, I would be fine with going out for drinks. I trust my spouse to take care of the baby. (I never get shitfaced though so can't imagine doing that.)

I'm glad your DS is fine.

Babies can get so sick so quickly, your DH wasn't to know it was just about cleaning up sick, it could have been worse. If I were him I would want to stay and know DC was ok. I certainly wouldn't have just left and got plastered, and I don't think he should have either. Life just doesn't continue the way it used to when you have a baby.

I'd wait until he's sober and not hungover (i.e. Sunday) to chat to him about it though.

I get that you are angry, but do you really plan to 'punish' your husband?

In your scenario (the first few lines) yes I probably would go out, and yes I probably would have a drink or two. I wouldn't get shitfaced regardless because of the hangover potential

My children are teenagers now so I may well be forgetting how stressful sick babies are. Both my two occasionally projectile vomited (I remember one night when dd threw up on her cot, our bed and then the sofa too) dh and I were very much a team when our children were little (although we did spend quite a lot of time being very angry with each other). We both had occasional nights off when the other one took all responsibility, and I think that's fine.

Sounds like there are other reasons why you are pissed off OP, is this a straw that broke the camel's back type of scenario maybe?

'Suitable punishment'?

You want us to pretend this is a one off. So i think, in that case, yabu.

If either dh or me had a rare night out planned, we wouldnt cancel.

I would lose respect for my husband if he got "paralytic drunk" in any circumstance, let alone with a sick child.

It's never ok to get absolutely rat arsed when you're a parent....never.

But saying that, there wasn't much he could do when he was out...there was no real reason for you to repeatedly message him for just a "normal" bug or sicky baby.

There will be many, many times when your DC get ill OP...it's best to just get on with it in my experience.

If I were out with mates and one of my DC threw up, my DH wouldn't let me know unless the child was very, very ill or was asking for me.

YOu've got to use a bit of common sense and judgement.

But I repeat...I don't think ANY parent should ever get completely out of it drunk.

Ever.

nooka

No, the word "punishment" was very much tongue-in-cheek. I suppose what I'm really wondering is whether to bring it up or let it slide. Generally I let things slide, and have always been very laid back. However, since DS came along, letting things slide isn't working so well for me and I suppose you're right, I'm reaching Camel Back Point. You're very astute!

Personally as a parent I don't think you should get 'shitfaced' until they're into teens.

It's not fair on the other parent if there's 2 of you, it leaves the other parent automatically in charge from when you get toward shitfaced to when the hangovers gone.

Whether 1 or 2 parents (there could be a babysitter)

If there's an emergency/illness you add to it you don't help.
You're letting your child/ren down, it impacts your ability to parent.
Sets a poor example.

Him spending time with friend, having a few drinks - fine.

Not answering phone (especially when he already knew baby was ill!)
Getting shitfaced
Putting baby at risk by getting into bed with you and baby while shitfaced - NOT FINE

I'd have booted him onto the sofa for tonight and making tomorrow VERY busy for him with no sympathy or concessions for hangover, then tomorrow night making it VERY clear this is unacceptable and is not to happen again!

Jonesy - Thanks for the reality check. We've been really lucky, he's our pfb and has just been healthy from day1. So I suppose what's just a bit of sick to most experienced parents is a potential life-threatening condition to me... I shit you not, before pregnancy I was possibly the most relaxed, carefree person in any given room, and was told as much by many people... I fear having a baby has turned me into a gibbering wreck!

It will go away again Paper I do remember panicking over things like one sick or some minor mishap.

It's gradual though. It was a bit mean of him to leave you but I remember my DH was far more relaxed than I was and he'd probably go out too in the same circumstances.

He wouldn't get right off his head though and I'd be talking to DH about that more than anything.

What IF something happened and he was unable to help? Due to being pissed he couldn't drive you to the hospital? I know LOADS of parents get pissed but I don't think it's ok myself.

The not answering the phone thing while annoying to you may well not have been deliberate on his part. In a busy pub, chatting with a friend he may well not have noticed that it was ringing (I know I am pretty poor at noticing my phone even when stony cold sober).

You will get better at the dealing with baby/child/teenage crises. I swear my DCs saved up their worst for when I was going away or away on business trips, trips I couldnt cancel easily so had to leave DH to get on with it. They have now made it to late teenage/twenties with only minor scarring!

Your DH's hangover is nature's way of restoring balance. Dont pander to it and make sure he does his fair share of cleaning up today.

Time for him to grow up. There comes a point when an adult realises that getting shitfaced is a fool's trick, and really it ought to be when you have responsibility for a child. You need a discussion with him around that fact.

It's mean to get so drunk he will be rubbish the next day when you will also be knackered after a night cleaning up sick and worrying about DC

What is likely to happen - will one person, you? be dumped with looking after stuff the next day with a sick baby or will you both be kind to each other and give each other time to rest?

Everyone can make silly decisions- it the general level of responsibility and sharing that would be key for me

Hmm, for fear of arguing against myself... I'm kind of relaxed (maybe a bit too relaxed?) about the idea of parents having too much to drink sometimes. (Not when they're in charge of their child, obviously!) My husband sometimes has to go away for work. This can be anything from a couple of days to several weeks. Sometimes, he's in such remote places that if anything bad happened, he'd struggle to get home. For my part, on a couple of occasions in DS's life so far, I've been to visit friends who live several hours away. I stay overnight while my husband takes care of our baby. I travel by train, so can't jump into the car at 2am if something bad happens. Logically speaking, it would be better if we both just stayed at home and took it in turns to get rat-arsed from time to time. We could call it "being out of town for a day or two." (Just to clarify, that last bit was tongue-in-cheek. But logically, it does kind of stand to reason, and DH isn't a big drinker. I don't have a problem with him getting hammered, and he'll pay for it in the morning anyway.)
I think my own issue is with the fact that DS was more ill than we've ever seen him (even if most parents would find it trivial) and that DH didn't check with me whether I was happy for him to go out, let alone go "out of town."
It's very interesting to hear different takes on it, though. It confirms for me that this is borderline. I'm probably right to take it easy, but also probably right to bring it up as a "thing."

I wouldn't worry. I'd have brought dd into our room. Or more likely the spare room so that when dh came home he didn't get into bed and squash her. But I'd have brought her into our bed because there is no way I'm setting up a cot at 11 o clock at night. And I know that dp comes home from a night out when tiredness strikes. So would be too tired and tipsy (not paraletic) to help.

Not answering was not at all on.

But

It was only vomit you were ringing about.

My dp goes out so rarely that I wouldn't want to interrupt a night out for a simple vomiting baby.

How old is baby? Sorry if you've said and I missed it.

I wouldn't be angry about this - as another poster said, it's just vomit and babies are sick sometimes. I can see why you might have been anxious though as it's always a bit unnerving when a baby is unwell as they can deteriorate quickly and it can be easy to worry it may be something serious.

Tell your husband how you feel but don't make too much of an issue out of it. Maybe a few gentle words might make him re-think how he deals with the situation in future if it crops up again but I don't think giving him or a hard time or a punishment is appropriate.

I'm glad your son is ok this morning

Writer (How do you "tag" a person on Mumsnet by the way? I just keep re-writing people's names!?) He's 11 months.
I've been really lucky as he's hardly ever been sick, and this is his first proper foul-smelling projectile puke. So I thought it was a big thing. PP are right, it's "only vomit." My DH has a lot more experience with young babies in his close and extended family. He probably knows hundreds of baby puke stories. This is my first in 20 years. And you're right, I was worried in case it was something serious.
I still think he should have checked with me rather than informed me he was going out, and would have preferred it if he'd stayed sober enough to be of some use. But you're right. Not a big deal really. Thanks.

Paper you put a * either side of the name...no spaces.

Jonesy Thank you! :)

Jonesy it worked!

The question is, now baby is due to wake any second, do I bring him downstairs and give him his breakfast quietly? :)

Sorry I think you are being a bit u. I would have probably felt the same but tried to hide it knowing I was a bit ott!

I would now be pissed off with my dh doing this if I was seriously worried about my youngest as I have 2 other dc so if a hospital trip was required we would both need to be hands on deck (one for hospital trip and one at home with older kids). Even still I would probably agree to him going out if he would keep phone handy and come back in a taxi immediately if I needed him. Disclaimer our older 2 are old enough to not need anything major during the night so it wouldn't matter if he'd had a few drinks (not sure about paralytic but neither of us go that far unless we misjudge how much we are drinking Max of once in 2 years kind of occasion)....

I think if you are physically able to cope then you should if it's a night out that is reasonable and agreed in advance. Just as you wouldn't expect him to stay home from work in that situation.

I think re. drinking to excess that as a parent, it's your duty to care for yourself as well as humanly possible so that you minimize risk to yourself.

You're all your DC have really.