To expect DH not to go out?

[TeaMuncher]

We live in a rural place, having moved here 6 years ago from London. We have DD (4) and DS (17wks) and I'm EBF.

DH has a friend from London visiting a lot at the moment coz he has work in the area, and as a result is going out quite a lot when his friend is here, mostly to the pub/ dinner/ the occasional surf, which is not like him at all.

Tonight I'm just feeling a little abandoned, while he's in the pub having dinner, I'm sitting in the house on my own with the kids (DS will wake regularly for feeds and I should be sleeping whilst he sleeps, but I feel uneasy).

I just feel like we should be 'enough' at the moment. I felt the same when DD was a baby. I have no desire to go out, especially without DH (or DC really), but he clearly can't wait to get out. This friend is a particularly bad influence, always has been, which doesn't help.

My mum is also really unhappy about him going out and leaving us... but AIBU?! Is my baby brain making me feel funny? Or is this unacceptable? 🤔

Yes I guess that's what gets to me, I'm all for equal parenting, and equality generally (this isn't the 50s!) and this is usually the case when running our business together, etc. The balance just seems to have slipped for various reasons (incl. EBF, etc), but I'm not ok with it.

Why should I have sole responsibility for DS 24hrs a day, and also manage DD's schedule and make sure she's looked after/entertained/etc at a complete sacrifice to any personal time, and he can just do as he pleases, with the odd pram push and trip to the swimming pool with DD? And then leave us to go out in the evening?! Don't get me wrong, I am very happy to look after my children, and be mummy for the vast majority of my time, but i feel a ghost of my former self. I need a haircut, Everyone keeps telling me how I "look tired" (yah) and how high maintenance DS is, and it's getting me down.

Oh and don't get me started on the PIL. Another major sticking point with DH, where I have to jump through hoops to make sure they see their grandchildren on the allotted day/time. Today, I shall be parading them in front of the PIL's oldest friends... whoopee!

Oh, right, go,den opportunity there then, for you to have some time to catch up while he parades DCs I front of oldest friends.

DS may become less high maintenance if DH is more involved. My sister did me the biggest favour in the world when she took me out for four hours announcing that the baby wouldn't need feeding if I wasn't there. She was right. Unless your baby has a medical need, there should be windows of opportunity for you to be apart. Four months, yes? If it's four weeks, then ignore me!

Some harsh replies on page 1!

OP, I suspect if you weren't struggling with one young child and one young baby, you would have less of an issue with him going out, yes? And if you had more support at home that would be less of an issue.

You might unreasonable to expect him not to go out at all (of course he should get to socialise) but the suggestion of 3 nights a week being okay? Someone is having a laugh there.

And of course mowing the lawn isn't a 'personal thing' but it is infuckingfuriating when you are sitting there, unwashed, having no help with the daily work (cooking and cleaning) or babycare, feeling like a mess yourself, and your partner decides the most pressing task is to trim the grass, a task that just happens to preclude babycare and involve being outside with your own thoughts in the sunshine. It is not okay. He should be prioritising the children and the home and doing extra things like gardening if there is time.

I find men who can't look after their own children pathetic. What if mothers turned around and claimed the same?...
He needs to step up a lot. If he gets to go out for meals/hobbies every other night and you don't have time to shower then things are seriously skewed.
I can't believe he's not taken them both out by himself. That's ridiculous. At 4 months old DS2 was mixed feeding and DH took both our boys out on the train to a city 1.5 hours away for the day (not visiting anyone, just going to exhibits that DS1 wanted to see...) Does your Mum give you any support at all?
I think I would have a serious conversation. I too would be devastated if DH didn't appear to want to spend time with the boys.

Got it in one Trifle! I'm just not good at explaining myself I think 🙄

TeaMuncher:

YANBU for being annoyed that he goes ouy every other night. You would be if it was 1-2 times a.week.

YANBU - to be worried about the effect of the pub trips and meals on your family finances (friend sounds like an ass but thats a different thing)

YABU - for counting to the tip as his personal time

YABU - for getting your mam involves so much in your marriage

YABU - for getting into a 'but we should be enough' mentality. He works from home so wants to get out a bit. Thats fine. (Yes some people will say but OP cant go out. Theres options. You dont have to be house bound)

Personally, Id focus on calmly outlining the main issues e.g. "we've got a new baby and its really tough on me at the moment. When youre going out this often and spending lots when we are meant to be saving it makes me feel like im taking more of the burden. We need to share it more. I need some more help on x y z and was thinking maybe next time friend comes up you could go out less because our children need you. Why dont you invite friend for a taleaway night in?'

Op I think you need to get a piece of paper and go over the last few weeks highlighting your dhs free time for gym and friend and your lack of it. You then need to have a conversation where he can see his piss taking written down.

Every other night is too much.
Not looking after his own kids to give you a break is unfair .
Not spending 1-2-1 with both to let you with the other is unfair ie taking dd so you get ds time etc.
Yes young babies don't do much but it annoys me when my own dh just sits and watches tv with my dc of the same age. The can't do a lot but can have short bursts of play and interaction- nursery rhymes and toys etc. Thats gives you time alone or with dd.

In short the friend thing is just the tip, he needs to pull his thumb out his arse.

She is not getting her mum involved in her marriage!

If her mum lives close and sees her once a week it would be obvious there are problems and that the OP's husband is not pulling his weight in the slightest! What is she supposed to do? Walk away? Tell her to get on with it?

And don't tell me you'll all stand back and say nothing when the same happens to your children!

He gets out during the dog walks. If that's not enough, and I can see that he might want more as he is WFH, he takes one or both of the kids with him. Time out of the home and time looking after DC are hardly mutually exclusive.