To expect DH not to go out?

[TeaMuncher]

We live in a rural place, having moved here 6 years ago from London. We have DD (4) and DS (17wks) and I'm EBF.

DH has a friend from London visiting a lot at the moment coz he has work in the area, and as a result is going out quite a lot when his friend is here, mostly to the pub/ dinner/ the occasional surf, which is not like him at all.

Tonight I'm just feeling a little abandoned, while he's in the pub having dinner, I'm sitting in the house on my own with the kids (DS will wake regularly for feeds and I should be sleeping whilst he sleeps, but I feel uneasy).

I just feel like we should be 'enough' at the moment. I felt the same when DD was a baby. I have no desire to go out, especially without DH (or DC really), but he clearly can't wait to get out. This friend is a particularly bad influence, always has been, which doesn't help.

My mum is also really unhappy about him going out and leaving us... but AIBU?! Is my baby brain making me feel funny? Or is this unacceptable? 🤔

I think you're a bit upset op that people didn't tell you he was out of line.

Your child is 4 months old. Fix the feeding and then start to carve up child care so you can also go out, even if it's at the weekend when he is not working.

I'm glad someone else has questioned the idea of going to the tip and mowing the lawn being "personal things". Surely these are tasks that need to be done?

Yes your probably right Bluntness 😂!

Not sure how to 'fix the feeding' though...

I think that he is out of line OP. I am completely with you on this one. He is not a single man anymore! I would also suggest getting your mum to babysit one evening and go out with them for a meal (although I totally understand your knackerdness :-( How about a weekend away for you without OH?

17 weeks with another child to mind too is still very much all hands on deck territory IMO. YANBU to expect him to row in and leave socialising until the baby is older.
I must disagree with Bluntness100. EBF isn't the problem - it just needs to be supported by the husband. And I totally understand the op's POV about going to the tip. He should be giving her a break by minding the four year old or holding the baby whenever he has a spare moment. Things like the dump can wait.

Op, I don't really know to be honest, but could you stop ebf, move to a bottle part time, express, its more important your baby is fed and you are emotionally healthy and if this would allow you a break then it must be worth it.

If you're hardly getting 15 minutes to yourself to shower then he isn't pulling his weight. Going out every other night for 2 weeks is a lot when there is a young family and a knackered dw to think of.

So in 14 days he will see him for 7 and again after a week after this? And presumably this has been the same previously? No, it's not fair for him to be pissing off this much. Fine now and again but this is taking the piss.

It sounds like your baby is hard work... try to put yourself in his shoes - an evening in the pub if probably a massive relief. Especially if he feels a little redundant/not able to help the situation. I'm not saying it's right, but doesn't mean he's a complete sh*t. You would probably enjoy sneaking off for the odd evening with the girls if it was the men lactating instead of the women... amiright?!

I say this as a mother of a 12 week old whose DH was constantly going on bike rides/dickering around with non baby related projects (it was like he hadn't realised our lives were permanently changed and we were no longer carefree and babyfree).

In the end I cracked and divvied up the weekends and evening evenly and informed him of the 'rota'. Now he wants to escape on one of his days/nights then fine (but he has to make me dinner & tidy up). Conversely if I want to stay in on one of my nights I can (but I can't whinge at him if he doesn't choose to do the same on his). I usually hand him the baby on my nights, try not to hover, and have a long bath with a glass of wine (and earplugs) after making a token meal. It's bloomin hard work but I'm constantly trying to put myself in his shoes so I don't turn into the naggy lady (even if he deserves it).

Things are much better now. Thank god! He still goes on feckin day long bike rides at the weekend tho.

Man I just read the latest posts. Every other night?! That is kinda taking the piss.

Does he only go out with this one friend op? No hobbies etc that take him out other nights? If so every other night so 3/4 nights a week, wouldn't bother me at all.

How much does he help at night time? From around 3/4 months, my bf started trying to settle to dd first if she woke and I'd only feed if she wouldn't settle. Once fed he'd quite often take over and change her if needed, wind her and re settle her. So my waking time was minimised as much as possible.
Does he take the baby or both children out by himself ever?

I'm sorry but I agree with OP, apart from the going to tip, mowing the lawn and family should be enough.

He's taking the piss and living the life of a single person. OP already comments about him being good and helping out.
He isn't pulling his weight if he's often in the pub and eating out.

OP are you eating well, it can't be much fun eating on your own and cooking just for yourself.
Does he cook, wash up, housework, look after his kids (not help out) but do his fair share?

If you're too knackered to go out of an evening, I would ask him to watch your baby during the day for an hour after feeding whilst your other child is at school. Have that hour to yourself. He can do that in his lunch hour, or work an hour later, in return for going out with his friend that evening.

The odd night out would be one thing but it sounds like he's taking the mick. If his mate is up for a week surely one night out or even a lunch out is enough? Does this mate expect your DH to entertain him?

I think you two need a chat.

I don't think this would bother you so much if you felt fully supported, and that he was looking out for you and trying to make your life easier.

He sounds pretty selfish.

I'm sorry but I agree with OP, apart from the going to tip, mowing the lawn and family should be enough

So people with babies aren't allowed to have friends, or fun? I never got that memo.

Her DH is out every other night... Putting the baby into formula won't do a damn thing - he wants to go out Bluntness - do you have a problem with breastfeeding?

OP, you need to tell him straight that you need more support and you're feeling abandoned.

*onto, not into, haha

Just wanted to say I sympathise, I've got a 7 year old, 4 year old and 6 month twins that I'm breastfeeding and I have no life, I do nothing for myself, have got no time, can't even find a minute to blow dry my hair. All my time is spent doing domestic chores. I'm too tired to see my friends, plus I'm feeding. I'm an introvert so, while I do enjoy socializing to a certain degree, when my energy levels are low it's too much for me.

My DH on the other hand is VERY social, an extreme extrovert. He's trying to get a business up and running so is home a lot which has been great to get some help but that means he's often out in the evenings as he can't bear to sit around quietly all day, his way of recharging is to socialize.

I do often feel resentful that his life carries on when I'm just consumed by the children. I know what you mean about not feeling 'enough'. I've had to try to think differently about it; he needs company and excitement like I need peace and quiet. It's also not fair for him to be my whole social support network. He tries to support my needs by taking the kids out for a walk or something when I'm starting to crack. This difficult time isn't for ever. Your baby is still very young and I'm sure you're getting very little sleep. I found the 4-5 month phase worse than the newborn phase. Try to think of what you need to be happier and how he can support that. Is it an evening out with friends, or a date night with him, or just some time to yourself? Sorry this is a long post but in short you are being a bit unreasonable but maybe so is he and you need to talk about it. Good luck OP and congrats on the new baby x

He doesn't really do much with DS tbh, and I understand it's hard to because he's incredibly high maintenance and attached to me, but apart from about one pram push every other day (DS only naps for 30mins, and only when mobile! So I have to take him out in pram/ sling/ car 3/4 times a day), he doesn't really do much. I try to get him to have DD for one day at the weekend, but is generally turns out to be a couple of hours here and there or we do something all together.

DS wakes 3 or 4 (sometimes more) times a night, but DH sleeps right through, doesn't do nappies or settling - and again it is hard because DS generally needs me to feed him, etc. I also figure it's best for one of us to get some sleep for DD's sake!!

I have one DS ebf now ten months. When he was smaller Dh started playing football three nights a week. It was too much so now it's two. You need the help and the break. I would definitely have a problem with this.

Could friend come over some of the time so at least you have an extra pair of hands.

My mil pointed out that her son was no longer a single man but acting like one.

Then, for the benefit of you, and his relationship with his ds, he needs to do one of those mobile naps every single day. Can't he take ds in a sling whilst he's walking the dogs?

So he is being selfish. He needs to step up more. He's doing pretty much exactly what he wants and parenting isn't really impacting on him whereas it's taken over your whole life.

Fucking hell some men are selfish.

He needs to step up. The least he could do is spend time with you and not fuck off every other night