To expect DH not to go out?

[TeaMuncher]

We live in a rural place, having moved here 6 years ago from London. We have DD (4) and DS (17wks) and I'm EBF.

DH has a friend from London visiting a lot at the moment coz he has work in the area, and as a result is going out quite a lot when his friend is here, mostly to the pub/ dinner/ the occasional surf, which is not like him at all.

Tonight I'm just feeling a little abandoned, while he's in the pub having dinner, I'm sitting in the house on my own with the kids (DS will wake regularly for feeds and I should be sleeping whilst he sleeps, but I feel uneasy).

I just feel like we should be 'enough' at the moment. I felt the same when DD was a baby. I have no desire to go out, especially without DH (or DC really), but he clearly can't wait to get out. This friend is a particularly bad influence, always has been, which doesn't help.

My mum is also really unhappy about him going out and leaving us... but AIBU?! Is my baby brain making me feel funny? Or is this unacceptable? 🤔

And yes, he has plenty of hobbies including swimming, which he did the other night, then went out with his friend afterwards...

He needs to start doing more with ds. You say he collects your dd from school, get him to take ds for a walk when he does, same when he walks the dog.
Get him to do ds's bath time and get him ready for bed. And he definitely needs to be helping out at night time.

Is there any groups/classes/activities you'd like to do, one or two evenings a week? Could you meet friends for a hour or even go to your mums and leave him with both dc.

So how many times has dh had "me time" this week?

He likes swimming he can take the dc. My boyfriend takes dd every Sunday morning and has done from three months old. At first I'd go so I could feed as soon as she got out, I'd sit and watch/read my book. Now he takes her alone.

Don't be one of these needy people. If he is only out once a week or so then I think that's fine. Also even if you don't feel like it I'd advise you to make arrangements to go out even if it's only once a month or even every two months for a couple of hours. And your Mum isn't really helping or so it seems. But we don't know the whole story. of course. Every other day (just seen this) is a bit over the top though I agree.

YANBU at all, OP. Being at home full-time with two small children is incredibly tough both physically and mentally, especially when one of them is a very young baby who's still completely dependent on you. I can absolutely sympathise with the envy of a partner who gets to go for a haircut or to the tip without two small kids hanging off him.

The difference between doing it all on your own, and having another adult there to share the burden, is huge. So people saying "Well, you're choosing not to go out yourself, that's not his fault" really aren't getting it. Just him being there will make your evenings much less difficult and stressful, even if you're not actually getting child-free time (and I wouldn't have left mine at that age either).

Viviennemary the OP said he is going out every other night for two weeks when his friend is there. He then goes home for two weeks and returns for two weeks. He is not going out once a week. There is no way I would have let that happen when my children were that young - or even now when my youngest is 6.

With regards to feeding, how long does ds go between feeds through the day? Can you say for instance if he's just fed your ok for a hour or two, before his next feed?
He's waking 3/4 times a night does he seem like he's needing to feed each time and does he settle back easily after?

I'm lucky my dd always went a good few hours between feeds through the day, so I could easily leave her for a hour or two through the day from really early on.

Night time, at four months she went through a really bad stage, she wasn't too well and was waking every hour or so. By the weekend I was exhausted and my boyfriend told me to go sleep in the other room and he'd bring dd in, if she really needed feeding.
He had to bring her in once at 12 and then again at 5.30 in the morning. I've never enjoyed a nights sleep as much as that night!

She's almost six months and tends to sleep through now

OP, you need to tell him straight that you need more support and you're feeling abandoned.

This.

You need to talk to him. It's tough times for you. You need to know that he understands that. And maybe you need to hear that you and the kids are no.1 for him, even if he does enjoy a bit of time out with his friend too.

And if there are more things he can be doing to help you - whether its holding the baby for 20 minutes so you can get a proper shower or not going out more than twice a week YOU NEED TO TELL HIM. He would probably like to help you, but sometimes maybe you need to help him to help you IFYSWIM. It's far too easy in this situation to close down into a passive-aggressive smouldering misery (speaking from direct personal experience) and it's no fun going there.

I do think you should be tolerant about him going out - although it's also fair to say how many times per week/how long you can deal with. And also, figure out exactly what is your issue so that you can tell him exactly what you need to change - is it just that you feel abandoned and need to know he cares? Or do you need more help? Or do you have a problem with this particular friend? Or all 3?

And I completely understand about not much wanting to go out yourself. But getting out a bit without the kids can be really good. As a couple, and by yourself/with your friends. Remembering who you were/what your relationship was before you had kids is an important part of keeping yourself strong and god knows, parents need to be strong.

Good luck.

YANBU

Thanks all - deffo need some time for myself, just not sure how to go about it. We run a business together and any free minutes I have (about 2 a day) I have pressure to answer emails/ etc. Although answering emails feels like a lovely break tbh!

Can't he take little one with him on the school runs? This will give you a chance to have a shower etc

Have you told him how difficult you're finding things Tea?
A conversation with your partner is the first step and then he needs to start pulling his weight with the baby. Doing bath time is great for dad's building a bond with breastfed babies and I'd definitely be getting him to take baby on the school runs from now on!

He's never taken them both out, e.g. on the school run. I think the logistics scare the bejesus out of him! I have recently insisted he takes DD on the morning dog walk a couple of times, on her non-preschool days just to let her run off some steam on the beach. I think it's lovely for all of them (including the dog!), but he gets flustered and says the dog doesn't get a good enough walk because DD slows them down, etc. Nb. Our dog is quite naughty so it is a bit of an ordeal taking him with baby, but DD is nearly 4 and completely fine on a dog walk! I'd take them myself but DS always feeds at that time in the morning (and I don't have time to pump a bottle)...

I do have a bit of an issue with this particular friend tbh, he's deffo a bad influence (has been known to play away in the past, etc) and I just don't trust him. For some reason DH always feels indebted to him, and I think feels like he should look after him when he's in town on his own. But I think, it's his choice, he's a grown man, and DH has rather important other things to consider at home at the mo(!) I have no problem with them meeting up a couple of times over the fortnight when he's here, but it's just too much recently.

I'm feeling particularly sore today coz we were summoned to have breakfast with said friend before he left town, so I had to drag myself up early, get the kids ready and out just to suit his schedule, then I find out DH footed the dinner bill last night (dread to think how much!). And we're meant to be tightening our belts....

Sorry, feeling ranty this eve!

You aren't being even slightly unreasonable. Like, not even in the same galaxy.

Don't just bark, bite if it's an issue & tell him. Is your relationship genuinely ok? It sounds like he's trying to avoid you

Has the friend gone now then? If so I think it's a good time to talk to your DH, before said friend is back again.
I don't think people can be a bad influence on adults, unless those adults want to be be influenced, tbh. One of my friends has cheated on everyone she's dated, I'm not inclined to do the same and I wouldn't tolerate my partner saying that was a reason for me to not see her.
But do tell him you find the frequency of the nights out too much and come to an agreement on what's fair. The paying, could friend have paid another night? If money's a issue that's another thing you need to bring up in regards to the frequency/type of his nights out.

I think you need to get a bit tough, why did you have to go for breakfast? Just say no, I don't want to, you take the kids.
Again with helping out and taking them both out. Sit him down, tell him you need help and tell him how he needs to help you!
You mention pumping, does your ds take a bottle? If so make sure he's doing at least one night feed.

If he can't handle the dog and his children he needs to do something about that! Get rid of the dog or get it trained properly! Sorry, I'm not a dog person, but surely the point of a dog is that it's a family pet and should be encouraging you to get out as a family not just him walking it alone.

TheNaze I don't think he's trying to avoid me, he's just always been like it. He doesn't let much get in the way of what he wants to do. Which is why the chores annoy me so much I think; yes they need doing, but not before things like helping with the kids, etc. He's crap when I'm ill or upset, just goes off to do something else to avoid the subject, can't cope with it. We've been together since we were teenagers (15yrs) and I've just gotten used to it (his Dads exactly the same, it's obvi a family trait). But it's times like these, when there's a baby in the mix, that I need his support and not just moments here and there.

Emboo, thanks for the advice. I agree we prob need to talk but I don't have the energy for a row about said friend or our extended family (which it always ends up as). I agree the dog situation is ridiculous! He walks him twice a day and never offers to take DD, then gets shitty when I mention the idea. I also think perhaps pushing the pram whilst the dog is on the lead should be do-able too, but neither of us have attempted it yet. (The dog is fine, although I have contemplated what life would be life without him, he just goes off on the beach and it would be a nightmare getting him back whilst having DS in a sling or whatever).

And to all those who think her mother should butt out of their marriage - I completely disagree.

She is sitting watching her daughter struggle with her baby plus the house plus the DD whilst the husband swans off with his mate, without even a backward glance. And probably spending more than they can afford.

I might not say anything but I'd be seething if that were my Son-in-Law. And actually it would be my business because that's my daughter on her knees.

OP I completely sympathise. He is going out too much when this friend is about. I would say three times over the fortnight is plenty. When he is home, he has to face up to the fact he has two children, one being a small difficult baby. I was in the same boat not long ago.
He needs to understand that both of you need time yo yourselves, and he needs to pull his weight more with the kids. Even if it means you get to take the dog a walk along the beach yourself. Or get to have a long hot bath!
And not doing any nappies, or night wakings is not on. I know it's hard when EBF. And not helping when your ill? He is taking the piss there!

NannyOgg that's exactly how she feels, yes. She said she prob shouldn't get involved but feels v strongly that he's in the wrong here (she's usually DH's no.1 fan). Always makes it hard and gets you thinking when your Mum points something out, you know?

First night feed done... hopefully an hour or twos sleep before the next! 👍🏻

Thanks all x

Wow. Yabvu. Of course he can go out. And so shoulf you.

Don't understand all these YABU posters. Clearly they have forgotten what it's like to have a baby. I thought you were very reasonable and that was before you said 'he doesn't do nappies'.

You say he was like that with 4 yo too? Reminds me of another thread where someone said dads have the luxury of not being 'baby people'. If mums aren't 'baby people' there kids get taken away.

Have it out with him, hobbies, nights out etc should have been his last priority for the last 17 weeks. His 1st priority should have been his kids and you. He shouldn't get to carry on like a man with no kids while you work yourself into the ground.

The way he responds to you asking him to go out less should open your eyes. If this thread and the chats with you mum (who knows you best) haven't already.

These threads are never a good idea.

You know people are bound to disagree and say YABU (this is AIBU), and it's only going to make you feel defensive, and much worse.

Life is hard when you have young DC, are sleep-deprived, and feel resentful towards a partner that you perceive to be having a much easier (read: more fun) time of it.

And people love to be unsympathetic on here.

I think you are quite right to be fed up with it. What kind of man can't manage to look after his four yr old and his dog? He needs more practice.

Tell him you expect as much time off duty as he has, and ask him how to organise it. You can use yours for a nice bath, to visit friends, family, or catch up on sleep. You could choose to take DS with you if that actually gives you more time without worrying about feeding.

I'd be really irritated about how much he was spending too.

If you've a high needs baby, then you become a high need mum who needs looking after so she is well enough to look after the baby.