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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what I do?

24 replies

BrightonBelleCat · 30/03/2017 18:10

Background, dd is on the autism spectrum she is quite rigid in her way of thinking, but high functioning. This is pertinent in the story btw.

She has made two friends at her new school who both have the same interests as her. One friend I suspect is quite similar to dd but nothing has been said it's just from what I've observed when she has been round. The other friend I've only met once or twice but not had much to do with.

For dds birthday I've booked to go to a convention thing that they are all in to.

Dd has now fallen out with the second girl. Apparently the girl keeps using words in the wrong context and dd finds this really frustrating. And is getting very upset by it. I've tried explaining to dd that sometimes people just use wrong words and it's ok but she feels she has to correct the girl and this has caused an argument.

Dd now does not want the girl to go to her birthday. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to risk dd having a meltdown in front of her newish friends as she is getting on well at secondary school and finally has met like minded people and made friends.

Help!

OP posts:

FatOldBag · 30/03/2017 18:26

Have you invited her already and has she RSVP'd?

Original poster

BrightonBelleCat · 30/03/2017 18:27

Yes I have as had to buy tickets and she has said yes.

OP posts:

Tissunnyupnorth · 30/03/2017 18:30

I think as you have already invited her and she has accepted, you have no choice but to honour the invite.

Original poster

BrightonBelleCat · 30/03/2017 18:33

I'm happy to honour the invite I just wondered how i handle it with dd. She has never really had a friend before. So this makes me pretty new to all this.

OP posts:

MrsJaniceBattersby · 30/03/2017 18:33

are you going to the convention too ?
if you are i'd try to act as a buffer , you cant uninvite them

Original poster

BrightonBelleCat · 30/03/2017 18:34

Yes I am as it's up in town. Me the three girls, dp and our other dc. So there will be a few of us. I'm wondering if dp should take the other kids off and then it's just me and the three girls.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 30/03/2017 18:34

Why should you have to honour this? It is not a class party. From my understanding it will be just the 3 of them. Why put your dd in a precarious position on her birthday. It's not fair on her.

Original poster

BrightonBelleCat · 30/03/2017 18:53

How would I retract the invite?

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 30/03/2017 19:08

Tbh OP at this point what with the invite having been sent out and accepted already, nothing you do will make you come out of this smelling of roses. But I think that's just fine because what matters here is your dd.
Can you call girl 2's parents and inform them (in a very matter of fact way) that their dd can no longer come; don't stutter or pause. Offer apologies if need be but don't fanny about. It won't be fun or easy or particularly enjoyable but it needs doing. You can't risk your dd having a meltdown or clashing with this girl on her actual birthday at a convention - I'm sure that would be a lot more worse than a phone call uninviting her.
Her parents might think you to be an over-involved busy body bitch but that's not your concern; your dd is. I gather that your dd is still at the nascent stage of secondary school and thus you will not always be able to fight her fights for her but on this particular occasion I'd ease the stress for your dd and do the groundwork to uninvite this other girl. Your dd has just started to make friends you say, this doesn't mean these will be the only friends she will ever have. She'll find her way - in many ways she already is.

Original poster

BrightonBelleCat · 30/03/2017 19:52

I'm wondering if I should do it a little nearer to the time it's in six weeks and see if they make it up. I don't think they are not friends it's just dd is getting increasingly frustrated by it. Seems a small thing to me but obviously not in her eyes.

OP posts:

MrsTwix · 30/03/2017 19:59

If it's in a few weeks time I'd definitely wait and see, they might be fine by then. I would keep explaining and reminding DD that not everyone sees the world her way, her friend finds being corrected upsetting, and find her an alternative to correcting her friend. For example she could (privately obviously) keep a tally chart or count in her head how many times her friend uses the wrong word. This gives her an outlet for feeling it is wrong by recording the incidents without correcting her friend. She will need to learn ways of dealing with social protocols unfortunately.

BastardBernie · 30/03/2017 20:03

They will have definitely made up by then; if not the friend will retract her acceptance of the invitation due to them not being friends, by then.
You sound like a really understanding mum by the way

QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2017 20:04

I doubt I would do this.

Your DD needs to learn a few lessons here; first lesson she cannot think it reasonable to get rid of friends for reasons such as this if she wants to have a social circle - she must try to be less rigid.

Secondly; it puts you in an akward situation and at her age she ought to know better

Thirdly; I sincerely hope they make amends by the time the date arrives!!!

MrsEvadneCake · 30/03/2017 20:05

I'd leave it until the week before. Let it all settle a little. Then see where it stands. It's not easy and you are doing the best you can.

MrsEvadneCake · 30/03/2017 20:06

Also I know your DD is older but have you looked at social stories to help explain differences? I'm sorry if I'm stating the obvious! I'm always happy to help via pm.

Original poster

BrightonBelleCat · 30/03/2017 20:10

Any advice Mrs would be great. I don't know how to get her to be more flexible it's like once she has made up her mind that's it.

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 30/03/2017 20:45

Id speack to your daughter and ask her opione in what she thinks needs to be done, explain like you have that that whikst its anoying shes not going to keep friends if she picks fault in minor things.
Thats just life. Talk to her abiut what good things she likes about this friend and see if she can focous on them. So she can ethier appogise to her friend and try to keep a tally and vent to you about it and have the party go ahead.

Or she decideds that she cant be friends with her and its up to her to uninvite her. I get you want to help your daughter its natural but sometimes we have to let them workk things out for their selfs through experience.

MrsEvadneCake · 30/03/2017 21:50

I've sent you a PM

Birdsgottaf1y · 30/03/2017 22:35

I've been in this position, my DD has Autism and LDs, her friend in the situation has ODD.

I honoured the invite, but learned the lesson of not planning anything too far in advance, again.

traviata · 30/03/2017 22:45

What about inviting another guest? It doesn't even have to be somebody who DD especially wants as a close friend, provided the fourth guest is easy going and will be an asset not a pain. That could change the dynamic for the better, DD can spend time with her preferred friend and the other girl won't feel left out.

I would always try to avoid groups of three when friendship issues are tricky.

Is there a cousin who might fit the bill, or family friend, someone who you could invite (rather than it being a big statement by DD)?
What about your other dc, are any of them close enough in age to hang out with DD and guests?

Falafelings · 30/03/2017 23:06

Get the girls together a couple of times beforehand

KC225 · 30/03/2017 23:15

I would leave it for a couple of weeks as others have said and let the dust settle then try and broach it again with your daughter.

If you do have to have that conversation, I suggest you offer the ticket the girl and perhaps a family member can take her. It will at least go some way to making a goodwill gesture.

Good luck OP

cece · 30/03/2017 23:27

Try Comic Strip Conversations by Carol Gray

Original poster

BrightonBelleCat · 07/04/2017 10:39

Update on this. I looked back on my texts and I hadn't actually text the other Childs parents to say I had booked the tickets. Dd is not really friends with this girl anymore. They have kind of mutually fallen out of friendship.
So shall I just leave it and invite someone else. Or do I text the other parent and say 'our dc aren't really friends anymore'

Again, help!

OP posts:

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