DH 40th and FIL

[MotherDidYouSayKellogs]

Name changed as mentioned this to a few people, also a bit upset so be gentle (yes I've know this is AIBU!)

Might be long.

DH is turning 40 soon. He has 3 brothers and we don't get to see them much. I decided to see if we could do a family thing over Easter. We usually go to MIL. MIL and FIL are separated (for around 30 years now). Whilst they are amicable, FIL is quite a strong character and I know MiL finds him tricky.

So I decide to suggest we stay at MIL for Easter, see who of his brothers and their families are around and then organise an Easter Sunday meal with the wider family e.g. FIL and cousins in the area local to MIL which is fairly easy for everyone to get to.

Anyway I contact the DBs and all of them are up for coming. Seeing as they all have partners and kids this is a lot of people so they suggest we organise a cottage as we won't all fit at MILs and it's unfair for her to c after for us all, I suggest this to MIL who also thinks it is a good idea.

MIL lives fairly central UK (us/FIL are london and rest of family spread over U.K.).

I start to try and find a cottage to host all/some of us and realise I haven't done this soon enough and places are either booked as it's Easter or £££ (I've been given budget of £200 per family by cash strapped BIL - impossible to do!).

Anyway, I do an airbnb search and eventually find somewhere west wales which can fit (with airbeds) all four families plus MiL. No spare room at all but it's the only place I could find that was available.

At this point I scrap the wider family idea as it's so far away for most people to travel for a meal, and as it's near surfing beaches the DBs decide to take boards as DH will love that. MIL will see friends in the area, all very laid back.

I feel a bit bad about FIL but he doesn't drive, is on a pension, and lives in London, so I decide to arrange a separate day out in London. I emailed him to ask (yes a bit wimpy I know) and also tell him about wales.

He didn't answer my email but immediately called up MiL saying he should be coming and he never sees his DGC (not true for us as we see him a lot, had him for Xmas etc, but there are some DGC it's harder for him to see practically).

Obvs an awkward position for MiL as I have organised this, so she called me to tell me.

I've just had a phone conversation with FIL who told me it was a cock up and that if all the family get together he should be there, DH will think it's wrong he's not there (I know DH and I think he'll find it strange if he was coming to stay with us and MiL tbh). He's told me to send him the address and he'll see what he can do. I've already checked other accommodation in the village and there is no availability at all. As he doesn't drive it all makes it very tricky.

Obviously I now feel really bad, but there are so many reasons it doesn't work.

I was just trying to do something nice for DH, genuinely don't know if this is a massive fuck up on my part? I understand that he would like to see everyone, but surely when you are separated you know it's more difficult?

Fwiw us and DBs and their families do sometimes all manage to meet up at a holiday location every few years (another surfing location) and it wouldn't occur to FIL to be part of that. In my mind I was organising something similar. In FIL mind I've excluded him

So AIBU? Should I have given up on the family idea and not booked somewhere so far away?

I find it strange he has mil phone number when the dc are all grown up, let alone thinking he can call the shots.
My mil won't be in the same room as fil unless it's something special like our wedding and then we had to have people to rescue mil if he tried to be nice and friendly. He was unbelievably violent and cruel to her when they were together.
I think the only way things like this work is if there is a party with lots of people there and they can avoid one another.

The accommodation might not be big enough for everyone but is there any possibility of hiring a camper van or something so that some of the party could use that. The older children might love that or even you and DH to have a bit of romantic privacy! Then there would be a spare room and FIL could stay with everyone else.

Poor MIL, she sounds lovely, she would probably be dreading it if you had arranged for both MIL and FIL to stay in the same cottage. I think you have not been unreasonable.

Perhaps it would have been nicer to have a cottage where FIL could have attended the birthday meal, but that wasn't possible. Just apologise to FIL and tell him that at such late notice it wasn't possible to suit everyone. If he is decent he won't ruin everything for everyone. MIL deserves more consideration here.

No the meal was never a 'thing' it was an idea in my head after we had already arranged to stay at MIL for Easter (which DH was aware of).

In that case then YANBU. The arrangements were with MIL and even though you thought of the idea, it is her who was going to be the host. Therefore FIL wouldn't have been invited and wouldn't be included in the alternative plans.

The fact that none of your BIL even mentioned about asking him is very telling.

Go ahead with your plans and don't accommodate him. You have tried to organise a meet up closer to him another time and he wasn't interested.

Your mistake was telling FIL about wales. I personally don't see that you did anything wrong. My parents are divorced and no way would I include both in an event like this. This is for your DH to meet up with his mum and brothers and their families, he would be have been invited to MILs, so why would you invite him when you changed venue?