DH 40th and FIL

[MotherDidYouSayKellogs]

Name changed as mentioned this to a few people, also a bit upset so be gentle (yes I've know this is AIBU!)

Might be long.

DH is turning 40 soon. He has 3 brothers and we don't get to see them much. I decided to see if we could do a family thing over Easter. We usually go to MIL. MIL and FIL are separated (for around 30 years now). Whilst they are amicable, FIL is quite a strong character and I know MiL finds him tricky.

So I decide to suggest we stay at MIL for Easter, see who of his brothers and their families are around and then organise an Easter Sunday meal with the wider family e.g. FIL and cousins in the area local to MIL which is fairly easy for everyone to get to.

Anyway I contact the DBs and all of them are up for coming. Seeing as they all have partners and kids this is a lot of people so they suggest we organise a cottage as we won't all fit at MILs and it's unfair for her to c after for us all, I suggest this to MIL who also thinks it is a good idea.

MIL lives fairly central UK (us/FIL are london and rest of family spread over U.K.).

I start to try and find a cottage to host all/some of us and realise I haven't done this soon enough and places are either booked as it's Easter or £££ (I've been given budget of £200 per family by cash strapped BIL - impossible to do!).

Anyway, I do an airbnb search and eventually find somewhere west wales which can fit (with airbeds) all four families plus MiL. No spare room at all but it's the only place I could find that was available.

At this point I scrap the wider family idea as it's so far away for most people to travel for a meal, and as it's near surfing beaches the DBs decide to take boards as DH will love that. MIL will see friends in the area, all very laid back.

I feel a bit bad about FIL but he doesn't drive, is on a pension, and lives in London, so I decide to arrange a separate day out in London. I emailed him to ask (yes a bit wimpy I know) and also tell him about wales.

He didn't answer my email but immediately called up MiL saying he should be coming and he never sees his DGC (not true for us as we see him a lot, had him for Xmas etc, but there are some DGC it's harder for him to see practically).

Obvs an awkward position for MiL as I have organised this, so she called me to tell me.

I've just had a phone conversation with FIL who told me it was a cock up and that if all the family get together he should be there, DH will think it's wrong he's not there (I know DH and I think he'll find it strange if he was coming to stay with us and MiL tbh). He's told me to send him the address and he'll see what he can do. I've already checked other accommodation in the village and there is no availability at all. As he doesn't drive it all makes it very tricky.

Obviously I now feel really bad, but there are so many reasons it doesn't work.

I was just trying to do something nice for DH, genuinely don't know if this is a massive fuck up on my part? I understand that he would like to see everyone, but surely when you are separated you know it's more difficult?

Fwiw us and DBs and their families do sometimes all manage to meet up at a holiday location every few years (another surfing location) and it wouldn't occur to FIL to be part of that. In my mind I was organising something similar. In FIL mind I've excluded him

So AIBU? Should I have given up on the family idea and not booked somewhere so far away?

so the surprise 40th has no bearing on anything it isn't a party

I'm not saying you think he's a pariah but he will surely feel like one based on the cack handed way it's all been communicated.

It isn't about them being in the same cottage. It is about planning a whole milestone birthday with just one parent, and then thinking the one left out is unreasonable to be upset.

You're being about disingenuous now. It is a cottage break for his 40th. As you have enough said all along. You forgot him, as you admit, and now don't seem to acknowledge why this is upsetting and wrong.

You very much speak as if the FIL is the outsider and MIL is the only true parent.

If her DH was 10 when the split happened and his father was always this self-involved, that may be wholly true.

Biology alone doesn't make for immediate family. Sometimes people are more hassle than they're worth, and shared DNA doesn't make their company any more enticing. He sounds incredibly selfish, despite kids and a DIL who go to efforts to include him. He spent Christmas with them, and sees them regularly, yet now he's angrily trying to say he should be the priority at his son's birthday - sod anyone else?

Fair enough.

Like I say, all his sons have been involved (bar DH until now) and they came to the same conclusion as me. The mistake I think was trying to keep it a surprise. It's so rare for DH to get together with all his DBs I thought it would be a nice surprise. But it's made it seem more of a 'do' then it is.

This is the last time I'm going to plan anything for a while. I've learnt my lesson!

Is this a get together mainly for DH's 40th because if so, I can see why FIL is miffed at being left out.

Me too.

if you did it separately in London would you invite all the siblings again and make it the same scale as this event is going to be?

If you don't do this then it isn't the same and you are excluding FIL and if I was him I would be upset tbh.

Tricky as in he cheated on her (and had a baby behind her back with someone else). So whilst she is polite and it's amicable she doesn't really want to spend time with him!

Awww, poor man. Of course he should assume full welcome with his ex-wife and their kids in a holiday home.

It isn't about them being in the same cottage. It is about planning a whole milestone birthday with just one parent, and then thinking the one left out is unreasonable to be upset.

I agree.

I think do what you can to get him to Wales for 2 days of your week stay. There are trains to Wales even if he needs to go to Cardiff and change or there are coaches.

I can see that the plans evolved and it's fairly easy to just not rethink who was invited in the rush to find a cottage at a good price etc.

In the circumstances, I think it's up to Fil to arrange to get himself to a nearby town (they do have trains/buses in Wales!) the day before.
Then one of the sons could collect him on the day, and you all club together for his taxi fare back to his accommodation in the nearby town in the evening.
He may decide that getting himself there is too much effort....

I haven't read the full thread but I don't think YABU. It sounds like although both MIL and FIL are civil it wouldn't be hugely pleasant for anyone for them both to be at the gathering. Its also pretty off of FIL to ring up MIL and have a go at her about him not being invited when its not her organising it.

I would call him and say you're sorry he isn't invited but it just isn't practically do-able and you would like to involve him in planning a surprise outing for your DH in London. Making sure he see's his other DGC isn't your responsibility so don't fret about that.

If you make choices in life, they have consequences. And in this situation, I wouldn't expect to be included in every milestone birthday if both parents' presence would upset my kids.

He fucked up. He's a major part of his children's and grandchildren's lives, and that's great, but he has no right to claim outrage if he's not always as welcome at their milestone events as the woman who actually did the work of raising his kids. Especially when he behaves as he has done - tantrums.

In hindsight the best solution would have been to organise it with just the siblings and done something separately with each parent.

They've managed an amicable peace for 30 years as a family. It would be a shame to have that destroyed by a lack of diplomacy after all these years.

Btw DH is going to speak to his dad - but totally gets why this has happened and that it wasn't intentional.

I've straight out asked him if I did wrong and he agrees the specific set up means he wouldn't have expected FIL to be there.

Like I said, family dynamics are strange. I feel bad I misjudged it but there was no malice.

Yes hindsight is a fabulous thing!

OP - Was your FIL aware of the original plans i.e stay at MIL and meet for a meal?

If so then yabu to leave him out as he was basically uninvited.

If he wasn't then that's a little more tricky as even though it would be nice to have him there, this was in a way a joint arrangement with your MIL as she technically was the host and so he wouldn't be invited. So on that scenario YANBU

Making sure he see's his other DGC isn't your responsibility so don't fret about that.

No but OP is ensuring MIL sees DGC.

You aren't not being unreasonable me and my ex have DS there is no way I would be sharing a cottage with him. Of corse it changes the dynamics I think it's perfectly fine to do something seperate what did he expect when he cheated and had a baby behind his wife's back. The fact he expects his ex wife to run round picking him up and driving 5 hours says a lot. On another note your dh have a relationship with his half sibling?

No the meal was never a 'thing' it was an idea in my head after we had already arranged to stay at MIL for Easter (which DH was aware of). I decided to ask DBs who was about with the idea of maybe sorting out a meal (we are having a london party for friends so had already organised this as his main event). MILs house is where they all grew up so is normal for everyone to meet there. They are all closer to MiL as she brought them up.

If we had sorted a meal then I would have invited FIL but because the plan changed almost immediately I didn't think to. It didn't occur to me until after I had actually booked the cottage because the plan escalated so quickly. My bad.

They are all closer to their mum. It's not really fair to say I am facilitating her relationship with her other DGC over FIL.

Ahh half sibling another story completely - not anymore no (FIL doesn't either) and it's very sad.

Op well I am totally supporting you here. You tried to arrange a nice thing and it's a thankless task at best.

If your fil hadn't fucked another woman and impregnated her and left. His wife and kids he would be at the heart of his family. He isn't and it's his fault/choice.

He may not drive but an adult can plan getting from London to Wales, it's not hard.

Sounds to me like he's a whinger 'poor me look how vile these women are to me type'

Go snd enjoy. He can get himself there if he wanted to.

And hopefully your mil will tel him to go fuck hinself (for a change) before she offers him a lift.

Meh, I don't think OP ensures MIL see's all DGC, it sounds like she makes the effort to do that herself whereas FIL doesn't. Or maybe I've read that wrong. Either way, in the OP's shoes I wouldn't consider it my job to make sure in-laws see family equally. I'd be concentrating on giving my DH a lovely 40th.

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP. FIL needs to sort himself out.

The thing that could happen is that if relations have been good in the past, as you say, this could upset things.

Your FIL is obviously upset. A suprise birthday with all DGC and siblings and he hasnt even been thought of, and whilst I understand why, I also understand why he is upset.