DH 40th and FIL

[MotherDidYouSayKellogs]

Name changed as mentioned this to a few people, also a bit upset so be gentle (yes I've know this is AIBU!)

Might be long.

DH is turning 40 soon. He has 3 brothers and we don't get to see them much. I decided to see if we could do a family thing over Easter. We usually go to MIL. MIL and FIL are separated (for around 30 years now). Whilst they are amicable, FIL is quite a strong character and I know MiL finds him tricky.

So I decide to suggest we stay at MIL for Easter, see who of his brothers and their families are around and then organise an Easter Sunday meal with the wider family e.g. FIL and cousins in the area local to MIL which is fairly easy for everyone to get to.

Anyway I contact the DBs and all of them are up for coming. Seeing as they all have partners and kids this is a lot of people so they suggest we organise a cottage as we won't all fit at MILs and it's unfair for her to c after for us all, I suggest this to MIL who also thinks it is a good idea.

MIL lives fairly central UK (us/FIL are london and rest of family spread over U.K.).

I start to try and find a cottage to host all/some of us and realise I haven't done this soon enough and places are either booked as it's Easter or £££ (I've been given budget of £200 per family by cash strapped BIL - impossible to do!).

Anyway, I do an airbnb search and eventually find somewhere west wales which can fit (with airbeds) all four families plus MiL. No spare room at all but it's the only place I could find that was available.

At this point I scrap the wider family idea as it's so far away for most people to travel for a meal, and as it's near surfing beaches the DBs decide to take boards as DH will love that. MIL will see friends in the area, all very laid back.

I feel a bit bad about FIL but he doesn't drive, is on a pension, and lives in London, so I decide to arrange a separate day out in London. I emailed him to ask (yes a bit wimpy I know) and also tell him about wales.

He didn't answer my email but immediately called up MiL saying he should be coming and he never sees his DGC (not true for us as we see him a lot, had him for Xmas etc, but there are some DGC it's harder for him to see practically).

Obvs an awkward position for MiL as I have organised this, so she called me to tell me.

I've just had a phone conversation with FIL who told me it was a cock up and that if all the family get together he should be there, DH will think it's wrong he's not there (I know DH and I think he'll find it strange if he was coming to stay with us and MiL tbh). He's told me to send him the address and he'll see what he can do. I've already checked other accommodation in the village and there is no availability at all. As he doesn't drive it all makes it very tricky.

Obviously I now feel really bad, but there are so many reasons it doesn't work.

I was just trying to do something nice for DH, genuinely don't know if this is a massive fuck up on my part? I understand that he would like to see everyone, but surely when you are separated you know it's more difficult?

Fwiw us and DBs and their families do sometimes all manage to meet up at a holiday location every few years (another surfing location) and it wouldn't occur to FIL to be part of that. In my mind I was organising something similar. In FIL mind I've excluded him

So AIBU? Should I have given up on the family idea and not booked somewhere so far away?

He needs to organise stuff with his other kids, not insist on tagging on to this.

Will your husband care?

It's not exactly that he isn't invited is it?

More that he isn't welcome(?) in the shared accommodation, can't find anything else & can't get there.

Thank you Italian, I am coming to the same conclusion as you that I need to speak to DH.

The situation with MIL and FIL is not simple. I know she'd rather not see him but she's too lovely/polite to say, the example of him wanting her to drive around is really what he is like.

He's not a shit at all - but he's a complex difficult character. It will change the dynamic and make it less relaxed - really it's about DH and him surfing, drinking and having fun. It will be different with FIL there (for many reasons) so I probably do need to let DH decide.

If this was me and my ex (and we have a DDs 40th birthday upcoming) I would be very surprised if one of us wasn't invited.

But the damage is done and I guess you have to find a way of including him without involving MiL too much. Can't one of DHs brothers fetch FiL once he finds somewhere to stay?

How euphemistic were you being when you described him as a strong and complex character?

I can certainly see why he's miffed at being left out, I would be, but I'd also be highly disinclined to be taking the blame for him never seeing his other GC. Which seems to be at least partially what this is about. But is there really not one single thing nearby? There are a lot of lets in West Wales! If he can't afford to come that's one thing, but I would be surprised if there is literally no way to accommodate him nearby.

To be honest you have kind of arsed it up but I would just roll with it now. My parents are separated and it is a hassle to juggle things.

I think you probably need to talk to the brothers a bit more and see what they think DH would want - his father there or not.

Your FIL has made this about him and the other grandchildren, not about your husband and I think that is fairly telling. Continue to make it about your husband not bow to the demand of your FIL.

A lesson learned here. You cannot ever accommodate everyones wishes. It is futile and pointless to try. In future you just give everyone a time, a place, a venue and a list of hotels etc - it is then up to them if they can make the event, they sort out their own accommodation . I learned this a long, long time ago!

MotherDidYouSayKellogs "Why is it so bad that I tried to arrange something separate with him though in London? Is that awful?"

No it is not awful but if I were in his shoes I would feel left out and a bit sidelined. Which based on his past shitty behaviour is not unreasonable. But I think as it is a 40th really he does need to be considered, at least.

"It's not us he's gutted about (he said this!) it's the other GDC that he doesn't see often. I can't help that!"

You are not the baddie here.

If your DH wants a 40th birthday party then he should arrange it and pay for all of his guests. Inviting people to celebrate your birthday and expecting them to pay is a bit off

Cant you invite them all to your house and share bedrooms/children camp in the garden?

Yes, you did cock up, you left it too late to organise something over easter and should have thought the FiL issue through. Perhaps organised something in the original location for the May bank holiday.

West Wales is inconvenient too!

That said, now you've organised it it's happening, so FiL as an adult can get himself travel and accommodation if he wishes.

Tbh the brothers need to band together here. You very much speak as if the FIL is the outsider and MIL is the only true parent.

AnathemaPulsifer is so right "He needs to organise stuff with his other kids, not insist on tagging on to this." AND they should be organising with him if they wish to.

IF I am hnest OP i would say the 'mistake' if you made one, was to plan a surprise. I would (in 20/20 hindsight) have asked him what he wanted, both parents there, make peace with MIL to ensure all is well and invite both etc etc, had he not wanted FIL there I would have spoken to FIL first explained to FIL situation and made plans with him separately from the onset.

Would I have thought to do all this. Heck, I don't know! But I thin now, looking back on it, this makes the sense. BUT you are not to blame for this complicated situation!

"He's not a shit at all" Sorry if that sounded rude, it was my opinion on what you said. It's rather like when we say kids are not naughty but they exhibit naughty behaviour. He may not be a shit but his behaviour to your husband's mother was IMHO shitty. But you are right, it is not for me to judge.

Totally agree with scottishdiem "Your FIL has made this about him and the other grandchildren, not about your husband and I think that is fairly telling."

if you did it separately in London would you invite all the siblings again and make it the same scale as this event is going to be?

Can you really not see why he wants to be included?

If he's not a shit it's a bit unfair to rake up the circumstances of a 30 year break up. That isn't relevant to this situation. MIL should have her own boundaries surely after 30 years and not come complaining to you about anything. She should be able to say to FIL 'no I can't drive you make your own arrangements'. Otherwise it's just fodder for unnecessary drama.

I am a little surprised how many people think it is normal to have separated inlaws staying together in a cramped holiday cottage - I would have thought it would be pretty awkward.

amberdillyduck "If your DH wants a 40th birthday party then he should arrange it and pay for all of his guests. Inviting people to celebrate your birthday and expecting them to pay is a bit off" Of course it is not off to invite family to go away to a shared cottage and share the costs. It is not a birthday party it is shared family holiday, or mini-break to use the language of Bridget Jones!

How cold any family afford to accommodate numerous relatives on a holiday!

A surprise 40th, every one is there except his dad? Yeah, that's more than a bit off. I'd apologise say it wasn't deliberate and allow him to make arrangements to come, even if he has to stay in a bnb nearby or something?

Lunde "I am a little surprised how many people think it is normal to have separated inlaws staying together in a cramped holiday cottage - I would have thought it would be pretty awkward."

I would not say it is normal, no, and I would not expect parents to do it, maybe if there were more time they could have had alternative accommodations around a central day out, meal, that is in a hotel/pub etc.

I am so glad I am over 40!!

"Can you really not see why he wants to be included?"

He will be if he can get himself there & sort out accomodation.

Oh dear yes, big fuck up. What you should've done is started with finding out exact numbers of people who wanted to come and then figured out how to make it happen. Two cottages would've probably been the way to go here.

But PiL are divorced? Of course you plan separate events, they have separate lives, they're ex partners, not friends. They now have separate relationships with their kids. No circumstances in which I'd invite both my parents to be at one place together unless it's absolutely unavoidable, which basically means weddings and funerals. And then it's still a huge problem that dominates everything else as you have two adults very uncomfortable about having to share space and a whole lot of baggage in the room.

Just because it's dh's 40th doesn't automatically mean you have to invite everyone and beef it up to a full family get together. Suggest organising something with FiL similar for later in the year? I'm sorry your attempt to do something nice has ended up causing you this kind of stress. One of the (many) joys of having divorced parents.

I would expect him to be thought of. The MAIL is automatically included, he is forgotten and then an inconvenience when he wants to be included. It is a 'cramped' cottage because it was booked excluding him. This sort of thing ought to be arranged including or at least thinking of ALL important family members or none at all.

it's not about separated parents in the same accommodation it's the choosing one over the other. Which however you look at it is divisive.

It must be patently obvious to him that he's not welcome to this thing. How awful. He spent Christmas with you but is too much of a pariah to attend a surprise 40th.

You didn't mean to cock up I get that but he's in a pretty shitty situation now.

There is no way in God's earth we'd get Dh's parents in the same room, let alone share the same cottage for dh's 40th.

So yes, family dynamics can be complicated and vary family to family.

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes but I do hope your MiL doesn't get guilt tripped into picking him up.

How could you possibly think it's OK to get the entire family apart from fil together celebrate your DH birthday? I think most people would be upset to be excluded like that. Major fuck up. Why not ask for help from DH brothers to get FIL to Wales. Why should everything fall to your poor MIL?

Ah geez he's not a pariah. I was organising staying at MILs house (of course FIL wouldn't stay there!) and then all siblings were free unexpectedly and it was suggested to me we expand to a cottage to save MiL catering for us all. I struggled to find one big enough that was free and inexpensive and impulse booked the one I found. I didn't at any point make a conscience decision to exclude him.

Anyway, DH came home whilst I was upset and so he now knows, and FWIW all my BIL know he knows and two of them have already called to say it's not my fault and I was trying to do something lovely.

If it was a party with all family and not FIL I could understand. But it's a cottage break with MiL (who was included but we had initially planned to stay at her house!). I thought that was a different thing.

Anyway he can come if he wants and DH now knows so that's that I guess.