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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Violence at school.

100 replies

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 30/03/2017 07:47

Ds1 is 14 and attends a single sex school.

There have been six or seven incidents of violence towards him in the past two years, he's been punched in the head twice, choked, pushed up a flight of stairs so his head hit the railings, etc.

Yesterday he was held in a headlock and strangled to the point he couldn't breathe and then punched in the stomach.

I had to hear about this from him as school didn't contact me. His HoY told him she would speak to the boys involved.

Last time he was punched, HE got a detention for 'antagonising'. We went in to speak to the school and they were apologetic but told us ds needs to keep quiet when they verbally abuse him as he aggravates the situation.

Yesterday's incident was because a boy (who incidentally is six foot and well built compared to ds who is 4'11 and weighs less than seven stone) called him anorexic. This is a theme, he gets called this frequently.

Ds replied along the lines of 'you ought to watch your Big Mac intake' and this led to him being attacked.

He came home and cried in my arms. I am RAGING.

I'm keeping him home today and plan to speak to this school after I've dropped my youngest off. I'm not particularly assertive and will get in a flap. Please help me with some strategies and phrases to get this sorted.

They apparently have a 'hands off' policy but this constitutes a fifteen minute detention in most cases so not really a deterrent.

I can't keep sending him into a place where he is physically hurt regularly.

He is a bright boy and does well at school but currently hates it because he seems to be a target (it's several unrelated incidents).

Any advice welcomed.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 30/03/2017 17:58

CheWasABitOfAHomophobe:

Good idea, thanks, Mrs. I mean Che.

CheWasABitOfAHomophobe · 30/03/2017 17:59

??????

kali110 · 30/03/2017 18:32

Op tell them you are going to the police!
It's quite clear they are trying to cover this up.
I wouldn't put it past them to chamge the dates snd times ion the kids statements.....
GO TO THE POLICE

Bestthingever · 30/03/2017 20:23

The school seem to have an ethos that violence is acceptable under the right circumstances. Ds1 has had to put up with a lot of racist comments and I will admit that on one occasion, he did retaliate physically. However we did not condone it and dh took him round to apologise to the boy (still waiting for an reciprocal apology from the boy.) I would recommend though that you have a frank conversation with your ds about what happened before the assault. Try to get hold of boys who witnessed what happened. It will actually strengthen your case if you're in possession of all the facts.

GeekLove · 03/04/2017 12:30

How are you and your son today? Are you on Easter now?

Astro55 · 03/04/2017 12:40

Place marking - will give advice after work

Nicotina · 03/04/2017 12:45

Police.

Nicotina · 03/04/2017 12:48

Is this Tom Brown's Schooldays or something? The school is handling this very badly.
A close relative of mine works in a school that takes children from very challenging backgrounds. They have had the police in for less than this.

Astro55 · 03/04/2017 16:18

First

Get the anti bullying policy complaints procedure and behavior policy

Then use these to highlight their failures

I was not informed of X as per your Y policy

Then email - every conversation - we spoke today and discussed X

INCLUDE what you want ' I want a wriiten responce to X complaint as per your complaints procedure within 5 days'

Then call the school and ask who the community police officer is and ask for a meeting -

Also ask for the governors email address and start copying them in - they shouldn't see all bullying complaints as part of their role in school they should also follow up on any recommendations made at that time

DO NOT say you'll home school - that takes you out of the system - the LA will not be responsible any further

DO consider taking DS to the doctors to record and injuries and any anxiety etc relating to the bullying

Keep calm - keep it factual and know your rights -

Good luck

BishopBrennansArse · 03/04/2017 16:21

If you are who I think you are, ping me x

GeekLove · 05/04/2017 12:09

It might be tempting but ONLY consider home ed if you are entirely happy to do so since it will make it much harder getting him into another school if you declare it now.

There is a lot of useful information here and I hope you are both feeling better about how to proceed.

Funnyface1 · 05/04/2017 12:22

How is he still in that school??! He needs a new school, you won't win with them by the sounds of it.

Original poster

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 05/04/2017 14:15

This is still ongoing.

He didn't have to do his detention, he just did five minutes with his Pastoral head.

The same boys cornered him yesterday and threw his bag in the bin and his coat over the fence. He won't report it as he's sure they'll say he was racist again.

I can't remember if I said upthread but the boy gloated to ds privately about it. Ds 100% didn't say the thing he was accused of, but it was two statements against one.

Ds doesn't want to move schools so we're going to see how things are after the holidays.

OP posts:

GeekLove · 05/04/2017 14:21

It might be better the devil you know but the school are doing NOTHING about this. I don't think I could send him in until I am sure they can guarantee his safety. He is old enough to be left at home to study in the interim period if necessary.
If I were you I'd have no faith in the schools ability to ensure a safe environment and have suitable sanctions in place for offenders. Thing is if this took place at work it is a crime and it is no less a crime at school. A crime number should make them move faster.

Chippednailvarnishing · 05/04/2017 14:45

How far are you willing to let this escalate? You're the adult so it's time for you to intervene.

ClaudiaWankleman · 05/04/2017 14:57

I don't think you should let this continue OP, regardless of what your DS says. He is speaking from a position of intimidation. Do something more, now!

Rainydayspending · 05/04/2017 14:58

This has to stop OP. The school are effectively handing the power over to these violent thugs who are taking it out on your son. Complete lack of care from the school.
I'd be telling the school every detail of their failure to act and sharing it with the LA and police.

natwebb79 · 05/04/2017 15:21

Ofsted are a good bet. A parent at our school complained (wrongly) about bad behaviour and Ofsted turned up unannounced for an on the spot inspection. We were graded outstanding for behaviour (again) but it was good to see they were effective in one way at least! I hope you get this resolved soon.

Astro55 · 05/04/2017 16:14

You need email them with today's behavior! They know what they are doing - explain it and send it as a paper trail

If you don't stick up for your son - then you are doing the same as the school

kali110 · 05/04/2017 19:13

Why aren't you reporting any of this to the police??
What happens when your son is seriously hurt?
It's clear the school aren't going to stop it.

AlcoholicsUnanimous · 05/04/2017 19:28

Agree with natwebb. Schools are really only bothered about Ofsted, get in touch with them.

Astro55 · 05/04/2017 22:28

The thing is schools are tied unless parents step it up - you would also be doing the bullies a favour because they are currently receiving no help to change their behavior -

Complain - get your son some help and sort the mess out

Madwoman5 · 05/04/2017 23:44

Every child has the right to be educated in a safe environment. Them's the rules. They are not following those rules. Step one, have a parent liaison with you and speak to the head. Have a clear outcome in mind, what do you want done ensuring it follows the principal of the anti bullying policy. Have a copy with you with paragraphs highlighted. Keep asking why this was not done or that path was not followed. Remind him this is not the first time you have felt it necessary to discuss school violence with him. State the facts and keep out emotion. Listen and respond accordingly. If the head tries to bullshit you, smile, shake your head and keep quoting the policy. If it is clear that he has no intention of following his own guidelines then make it clear you will not waste any more of your time discussing it, draw the meeting to a close and tell him you will be taking it further. Do not be intimidated. He is providing a service and is failing to instil any sense of order or follow rules that have been put into place to protect pupils. Do not use the word victim. Use target instead. If he fails to follow his own policy then head of governors or trustees (depends on set up). If there is still no satisfactory resolution, lea and child welfare officer (council). Once he realises you mean business he will do one of two things: ask you if you want to remove your child or deliver your preferred outcome. His lack of management skills is not your concern, your son's safety is. Why should he move and make it easy to cover this up? You could, of course, following the meeting, withdraw your child from school for his own safety, immediately contact the child welfare officer and head of governors/trustees and explain that due to the fact the current head refuses to provide a safe educational environment for your son you will be keeping him off school. You require a home tutor (they pay) and mediation immediately. Trigger words in that will have them all running around!

WateryTart · 06/04/2017 07:14

Please speak to the police about this.

Bestthingever · 06/04/2017 13:19

Sorry but I just can't understand how you are handling this especially given the support and advice you have been given on this thread. This was a violent and potentially dangerous action and the school clearly haven't taken it seriously, hence it is very likely to happen again.

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