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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Violence at school.

100 replies

LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 30/03/2017 07:47

Ds1 is 14 and attends a single sex school.

There have been six or seven incidents of violence towards him in the past two years, he's been punched in the head twice, choked, pushed up a flight of stairs so his head hit the railings, etc.

Yesterday he was held in a headlock and strangled to the point he couldn't breathe and then punched in the stomach.

I had to hear about this from him as school didn't contact me. His HoY told him she would speak to the boys involved.

Last time he was punched, HE got a detention for 'antagonising'. We went in to speak to the school and they were apologetic but told us ds needs to keep quiet when they verbally abuse him as he aggravates the situation.

Yesterday's incident was because a boy (who incidentally is six foot and well built compared to ds who is 4'11 and weighs less than seven stone) called him anorexic. This is a theme, he gets called this frequently.

Ds replied along the lines of 'you ought to watch your Big Mac intake' and this led to him being attacked.

He came home and cried in my arms. I am RAGING.

I'm keeping him home today and plan to speak to this school after I've dropped my youngest off. I'm not particularly assertive and will get in a flap. Please help me with some strategies and phrases to get this sorted.

They apparently have a 'hands off' policy but this constitutes a fifteen minute detention in most cases so not really a deterrent.

I can't keep sending him into a place where he is physically hurt regularly.

He is a bright boy and does well at school but currently hates it because he seems to be a target (it's several unrelated incidents).

Any advice welcomed.

OP posts:
DrudgeJedd · 30/03/2017 13:54

I'm so sorry you've been fobbed off op nothing in those responses makes me think they are going about this the right way to protect your son. Get the anti bullying policy & set out, as clearly as you can, where they have failed to apply it to your son. Check that you are following the school complaints procedure and let them know that you know who to go next if they do not tackle this immediately.
Do you have any other suitable schools nearby in case they continue to be unwilling/unable to protect your son?

cantkeepawayforever · 30/03/2017 14:07

E-mail the school back so that you have a contemporaneous record of the conversation:

' At x time you called me to discuss incident [brief details]. You stated [list items as you have above, use quotation marks to indicate that these are actual words. ]. As I do not feel that this response is sufficient to keep my child safe, he will not be attending school until action that ensures his ongoing safety is taken.'

Send to the pastoral Head if you have their e-mail, to the office FAO Pastoral head if not, and copy the head and anyone else you have previously talked to about these incidents. Start creating a paper trail.

GeekLove · 30/03/2017 14:07

Are you going to contact the police considering that crimes have been committed and the school has done nothing. I sincerely doubt that the school hasn't contacted the police themselves.

Bestthingever · 30/03/2017 14:32

Two sides of the story?! What kind of education are they giving these boys? How are they preparing them for real life? If someone winds you up at work or in a pub, it's ok to get them in a headlock? They are on the brink of adulthood, they should be taught how to behave like adults.
Frankly I don't care what your ds said or did. The reaction was unacceptable and could have caused real harm. The police wouldn't accept that explanation if it happened on the street.

SuburbanRhonda · 30/03/2017 14:53

Just a minor thing but if you're keeping him off (as I think you should), you might want to ask his teachers to send work home. This way they know you're serious about both his safety and his education. If the teachers' school emails aren't on the website (ours are), phone and ask for the HoY's email and ask him/her to ask the teachers for you.

CurbsideProphet · 30/03/2017 15:17

This is why you need to call the police...

GeekLove · 30/03/2017 15:20

At least you have the measure of the school now...

kali110 · 30/03/2017 15:27

Call the police!!!

kali110 · 30/03/2017 15:28

And yes fuck sending him back there!
That head sounds demented Hmm
I'd be making one hell of a complainted to the governers and i'd be including what he has said and the police report...

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 30/03/2017 16:03

I am completely raging now.

The school have just called and said that having spoken to the two other boys involved, ds1 called headlock boy a racist slur.

So 'based on the balance of probabilities' they will be punishing ds for the racism and punishing the boy for the violence he was 'goaded in to'.

I've spoken to ds. There is no way this happened. Not least because he didn't know what the supposed slur meant, I had to explain it to him.

This happened yesterday and the statements were taken this afternoon.

They want ds to go in tomorrow to meet with the boy so they can both apologise to each other and shake hands.

Fuck this shit.

I'm seriously considering homeschooling.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 30/03/2017 16:06

Why won't you go to the police?

SarahMused · 30/03/2017 16:38

I hope the two boys involved have been interviewed or made to write up their statements separately to avoid collusion. It really should have been done immediately - it certainly would have been at the school I teach at. This would have eliminated any doubt over the truth of what was being said. If you are certain that your ds didn't use the racist words you need to let the school know that he will not apologise for something he didn't say. I would also tell the school that either they deal properly or you will go to the police and report it as assault. The school will not want this to happen.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 30/03/2017 16:51

This is awful behavior by the school. When a bugger kid knocked my son down and sat on him, his school excluded the boy immediately, took statements, and rang me to apologise immediately.
My son came home not bothered by it, but the school took it very seriously, and I'm quite sure that what he may or may not have said, according to his attacker would not have made any difference to them.

The school is tolerating violence as if its normal, I would look into moving him, seriously, their whole culture is terrible.

GeekLove · 30/03/2017 17:15

Keep the rage and use it. I presume you are keeping a paper trail. I hope your son knows that he won't be going back.
But at the risk of being a cliché call the police. It won't be long till the Easter holidays and then it'll just get swept under the carpet.

Trifleorbust · 30/03/2017 17:38

I think you should report it to police. If you are certain your DS didn't use a racial slur, then this may be the best way of resolving the situation .

wettunwindee · 30/03/2017 17:42

I'm seriously considering homeschooling

Don't do that!!!!!!

Are there other schools available though? Does your son have many friends at his current school? Have you mentioned moving and if so, what were his thoughts?

The school have just called and said that having spoken to the two other boys involved, ds1 called headlock boy a racist slur.

It sounds like the school aren't dealing with this well but, playing devil's advocate, it sounds like it's 2-1 saying your son used a racist insult and was put in a headlock. If you were a teacher, would you take "he told his Mum he didn't know what it meant" as reason to exonerate him?

re. the police: I still advise you contact them. If they are given the same 2-1 story then despite their beliefs siding with your son or otherwise, it's likely they won't get too involved.

This is a tough time for you, your son and the school.

Trifleorbust · 30/03/2017 17:48

What was the insult, allegedly?

Original poster
LookAtTheFlowersKerry · 30/03/2017 17:49

It would be really outing. But it's a play on the boy's name.

OP posts:
Vegansnake · 30/03/2017 17:50

Move him schools..I've moved mine for much less than that

Trifleorbust · 30/03/2017 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 30/03/2017 17:52

Sorry, MNHQ, please delete my last post. It is indeed outing

Trifleorbust · 30/03/2017 17:56

Anyway, it is perfectly possible he didn't know the meaning of the insult but still used it. I am not saying that happened, but not knowing the meaning isn't proof.

Good luck, OP.

nancy75 · 30/03/2017 17:56

I would look at other schools & phone the police.
If this stuff happened in the street you would phone the police, why is being beaten up at school different?

CheWasABitOfAHomophobe · 30/03/2017 17:56

"Sorry, MNHQ, please delete my last post. It is indeed outing"

You can report it instead of signalling the fact you know an acronym and are in touch with 'the mods'!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 30/03/2017 17:58

just to say I am rooting for you, and you will get great advice on here.

OP I am just flabbergasted how schools often tend to underplay major levels of violence,

I think even as adults we get intimated in a school setting

its not acceptable that your child is exposed to physical violence, and its not acceptable that they condone and victim blame

and if they don't help you, I would also escalate to the police

GOOD LUCK

and its assault, plain and simple