AIBU about my mum and her new boyfriend ?

[Rachmach]

My mum looks after my DD 3yo every now and then while I'm at work.

She has a new boyfriend (been going out about 6 months). she's had various numbers of short term Boyfriends in the past, this is the first once since my DD arrived.

I've met him once, seems like a nice guy. They seem pretty happy with each other.

She has my daughter on Saturday, and slipped in that she plans to take DD to a park & feed ducks, which is miles away, (we have plenty parks nearby mine or hers) which happens to be reasonably near where new boyfriend lives.

AIBU (1) to assume that said boyfriend is going to attend ?
AIBU (2) if that is true, why hasn't she told me ?
AIBU (3) to not want my DD near a guy that she barely knows herself let alone me ?

Sounds reasonably likely that your DM's partner is likely to be involved if she's taking your child to a park near him, rather than more convenient parks.

I'd talk to your mum and be clear that you're not comfortable on her partner spending time with your child when you aren't there.

No YANBU. I think it's entirely reasonable to be cautious, especially as you don't know this guy

Crikey, when I met OH I was introduced properly to his adult DC and their own small children, all very open - family bbqs, teas, that kind of thing - and after maybe a year or so we started babysitting on our own! (And by which time they'd met my DCs.)

Of course you need to know what's going on, and what he's like with your child, where they are.

Your mother shouldn't be cagey about this. That's quite odd, I think.

What are you afraid of?

Is your mothers judgment usually poor?

I'm more than happy to meet with him and my DD see him at BBQs , Sunday teas, etc...

She hasn't got a great track record , most men are dumped by her within 2 years.... not that that's their fault , she just gets bored /irritated. She's quite a strong independent woman and when they get to living together stage and they're around all the time she gets irritated.

She met him online (but who doesn't these days?) and like I said I met him once and he seems nice , but my DD is the most important thing in the whole world to me, I'm not comfortable with this new guy "helping" look after her when I've met him once and she barely knows him. I do feel like I'm BU and oversensitive, but this is my DD !

AIBU (1) to assume that said boyfriend is going to attend ?
AIBU (2) if that is true, why hasn't she told me ?
AIBU (3) to not want my DD near a guy that she barely knows herself let alone me ?

1. Yes, YABU to assume, just ask
2. Maybe she's worried how you'll react, maybe she didn't think it would be a big deal, maybe she's not meeting him
3. No, YANBU, I understand your concerns. Perhaps voice these to your mother in a tactful manner somehow? Is she approachable like that?

(Hope this doesn't come across as arsey, I'm not, just thought it would be easiest to do it in bullet pointed format!

Clearly I have failed with the emboldening there

I know my mother would go into faux-psychoanalytic mode about how it wasn't healthy to see danger everywhere, but you know what, I'd think fuck her if she couldn't even be honest about what she had planned for my own small child.

It's probably perfectly innocent. Just ask her if he's going to be around. If you're not happy at all because you've only met him once, rearrange the Saturday somehow. I can see it's quite a heavy conversation - the guy she's met online could be nice - but you just need to make sure she's alert to your worries. I don't particularly think online is key for check-ups - look at what when on before - but the fact you don't know him and she may be taking 3 y o DD to meet him without discussing with you requires a talk.

Kids can't meet adults now without a parent hovering nearby?
What is this assumption that every man is a danger to kids.
I think that the stat's show that your child is in more danger from people she knows in her own family.

It's becoming ridiculous.

So are you so uncomfortable with your DD spending time with him that you'll be making alternative childcare plans?

I find this entire thing ridiculous, sorry. A complete non-issue.

You are being ott.

I don't get the problem. I think you are being very controlling of her and ott if you make a big deal of this.

What if she bumps into friends she knows at the pondside? What if she arranges to meet with some granny friends so all the children can feed the ducks? Should she have to clear with you everyone your child comes into contact with? I'm guessing this is just because he's a man, even though that should be completely irrelevant. If you trust her to look after your child, then trust her...

I think if you trust her to look after your DD, you kind of have to trust her judgement generally. You've met him once, he seems OK, what do you actually think is going to happen by him 'being around' your DD?

If you really aren't comfortable with it I think you should find someone else to look after your DD rather than ask your mum not to see him with your DD.

You're being ridiculous. If she was meeting a friend would it matter? I suspect not. It's not as if they're going to have sex in the park is it, so what exactly is the issue?

IMO all this over protective parenting is damaging to our children in the long-term. We as a society are bringing up a generation of children who have been brought up to believe that people are a danger, that no-one should come into contact with them unless they have been vetted multiple times over a period of months or even years. And as such children are growing up unable to risk assess for them selves as they get older.

YANBU to be cautious about who your child spends time with. I wouldn't want my child being cared for by someone I had met once. However, your DD is going to be cared for by your mother. Either you trust her to keep your child safe, or you don't. You have to decide which and then make child care arrangements accordingly.

People talk about using "commonsense" when making decisions about what is and isn't safe but what they are actually doing is a form of risk assessment. In your case some of the questions would be:

Do you think your mother is in some way vulnerable?
Would she be easy prey for someone who wanted to groom her to get access to a child?
Would she leave your DD on her own with someone your DD doesn't know?
Does she have a track record of not being very responsible or for making (in your view) poor decisions?
Does your DD have the speech and vocabulary to be able to tell you if she was unhappy about something?
Would your mother put her own needs or those of her boyfriend before your DD's needs?

If your answers to some of the above are worrying, or if your mother is easily distracted (by smooth talking men, shiny things etc) then I think the trip to the park is a no. If she has a good track record then I don't see a problem.

Surely it is about the OP's mother potentially being less than open about what she's planning?

My mother had some right knob boyfriends, and a strange relationship with the truth, so I am a bit affected by that. But it matters.

agree with Piglet about the ridiculousness of it all.

OP what do you think will happen if your child meet your mum's boyfriend without you in a park?!

Do you trust your mother? Do you trust her judgment?

If so then I see no issue whatsoever.

Ask her straight : Are you going there because Mr X is joining you? You know you can talk about him.

Very OTT and quite illogical. Your mother might dump boyfriends often but that is her business, she dumps them because she's bored of them not because they are paedophiles.

Isn't it much the same as meeting a friend of your mothers for a few hours? I don't really see the issue.

It depends if you 100% trust your mother. I don't think you do.

YANBU to have some concerns, but YABU to be happy for your mum to look after her as it suits you, but only if you have control over everything while she's doing it.

Would you still be asking the same question if your mum was going to see a female friend miles away..

I bet i know the answer..

As a man i feel like you have judged this poor guy without good reason... your childs grandmother will be looking after her... what on earth do you think he is going to do.

I'd still expect to be told if my mother was taking my very young child to meet up with someone female that I barely knew.

Why wouldn't she be open about it, if it's all so fine?

My mother used to behave like this, and she was, frequently, hiding something. Like the time she and her pal took the DCs to some religious claptrap about creationism.