AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

[Sirzy]

And humiliating her is going to help her seek help or get out more how exactly?

[x2boys]

why would you do that its a bit of wee,i was a dementia care nurse for years and now have a seven yr old child in nappies due to disabillities so we and poo really dont bother me i think you were very mean to humilliate her.

[Sandsnake]

'Clean the seat please'... Are you for real?

The right thing to do would have been to have cleaned the seat whilst she was sorting herself out and then made both of you a coffee after. Over coffee you could have then tactfully raised her issues and getting medical assistance. As you said - she is 70 and she's given birth twice - I'm
presuming one of those pelvic floor wrecking births was you. Add in all the care whe will have given you over the years and you owe her far more respect and compassion.

Unless there's a significant backstory here then YABVU.

[confusedat23]

Maybe she doesn't want to have to resort to having a Catheter put in?

When you had your DD did she ever wet through? Maybe your mum forgot to change her pad and made the mistake i'm sure you made at least once whilst looking after your DD

She's too humiliated to go out but yet you humiliate her more frog marching her out to clean it up!?!?

[ohfourfoxache]

Yeah, that was a pretty horrible thing for you to do.

Actually, no- it was downright nasty. Poor woman was embarrassed enough already. You're her daughter. Unless there is a massive, awful backstory yab extremely u.

[SomewhatIdiosyncratic]

Why doesn't she wear protection if it's an ongoing issue I can understand your frustration that it is a foreseeable problem that she's been reluctant to deal with either by seeking medical help or using products to reduce the impact of it. Assuming none of her other ailments are inhibiting her, it's rather unpleasant to leave someone else to deal with the brunt of cleaning up a soiled rental car that could see them incurring a cleaning charge.

Has this spured her into seeking medical help? (Not sure from the end of the post)

[StarryIllusion]

You sound horrible. It's not okay to be in that condition? What condition is that? Elderly? If you're lucky, it'll come to you too and hopefully by then you'll have children a lot kinder than you.

[Trifleorbust]

I actually cannot get over how cruel this was. Your mum!!

[MrsTwix]

I think you were rude and unreasonable not to let her get cleaned up and changed while you cleaned it, she is your mother after all. Why do you think her pelvic floor is like that? She carried you for 9 months, gave birth to you and changed your nappies. She is older now and you could have made it so much less unpleasant for her.

I agree she needs to manage it better, so she might need pads, but that's no reason to be so harsh with her. It can't be easy for her, things like this weren't talked about in her day.

[LouiseBrooks]

So she wears Tena and still flooded? Poor, poor woman. Yes she needs to get help but you were totally unreasonable. You should be helping, not humiliating her.

[isupposeitsverynice]

I dunno my first instinct is I would've cleaned it for my poor old mum, I mean how fucking mortifying to wet yourself in your daughters rented car. But then again you say it's been a problem for a while and she has form for avoiding the doctors... So I can see why you're getting a bit pissed off too (not sorry no, pun totally intended). Also, thinking about it further, I think if it happened to my mum her embarrassment would be compounded by me clearing it up for her and she would want to sort it out herself.

[Notcoldbutbaltic]

That's pretty awful behaviour on your behalf. Your poor mum must be mortified.

[Quartz2208]

This makes for very uncomfortable reading. I think you did it out of love but it sounds as if you humilated her

[LaLaCascada]

She could have used the loo at Sainsbury's.
I suppose I did get what I wanted in that she finally has accepted that she needs to tell the doctor but I didn't want to hurt her. She is an absolute master of denial though.

I'm not a troll but I did NC for this. I guess I am ashamed...

[CosyCoupe88]

Make a point?! When she Is already wearing pads. No wonder she has a fear of leaving the house if she gets this treatment and apparent disgust from her own daughter. You have treated her like a naughty child who did something on purpose. I really hope you give yourself some time to reflect and hopefully amend th way you are with your mum. If things are a bit frosty she is probably feEling a bit hurt. Can you make it up to her.. Flowers with a note saying " sorry for behaving like a right douchebag mum, llove you" ?!

[danTDM]

What a nasty daughter you are

[isadoradancing123]

You say you love her, you have a very odd way of showing it. Would hate to be the person you didn't like if this is love

[Frouby]

I think that was a cuntish thing to do OP. I would scrape shit or vomit from my car if my lovely mum had an accident in there. I have cleaned up without comment or rancour after dps stoma has split. I have wiped up sick when he has been ill too.

It would have been far kinder to just clean it yourself and discreetly asked for an old towel to sit on to go home.

I hope you are always fit and well and never have to hope that your loved ones deal with any accidents you may have.

[CosyCoupe88]

Can see from your thought processes you didn't mean to hurt her though xx

[fernanie]

I wanted to make a point that it's not alright to be in that condition

What, by disciplining her like a child? She must have felt about 2 inches tall. 30-odd years ago women didn't get any of the advice we get now about pelvic floor exercises, and if you had a really bad tear there wasn't the same ultrasound imaging technology to make sure it was really fixed properly.
Of course she knows it's not alright! But she probably also remembers the same happening to her mum or elderly neighbours, and knows that it gets to the point where nothing can be done. If her pelvic floor is shot, 70 is too late to fix it. How do you think it feels for her to know this is her life now?

[Doyouwantabrew]

press oh right how wierd.

Still op if this Is real hopefully your watching dd will treat you the same way.

[SaucyJack]

"Also she is pretty much housebound due to her fear of it happening again."

In what way do you think having her own daughter treating her like a dirty, lazy scumbag over her medical/ageing issues is going to help her with her shame?

[ineedamoreadultieradult]

I hope you are the wee troll because at least then a woman in her 70s hasnt been totally humiliated by her own daughter.

[FloatyCat]

Poor lady, one day this could be you, show some compassion.