AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

[LaLaCascada]

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

[RitaMills]

Wow, no I would not have made my mum clean up.

[Trifleorbust]

You need to apologise to her.

If you're not the wee troll.

[tiptoeingpixie]

I feel you were pretty harsh OP - I couldn't ever imagine treating my mother how you've described in your OP, even if she was burying her head in the sand and not getting help. It's an embarrassing problem that a lot of people put off getting help for due to embarrassment.

I suppose it depends on your relationship really - I'm really close to my mother and would do anything to help her/ease her embarrassment including cleaning up a bit of wee.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

You absolutely should be ashamed, your behaviour was disgusting.

Maybe she didn't need the loo at Sainsbury's, maybe she thought she could hold it in until she got home - or maybe, just maybe, she didn't realise her daughter would humiliate her in the way you did

[BlackberryandNettle]

There are simple ops to sort this problem out,, your mother should ask her gp for a referral. I think presenting he really with cleaning stuff and asking her to go and clean the car was very mean, a hug, cuppa and chat about getting it sorted would have been better

[DebiNewberry]

it does read a bit like payback - even in the best light this is very 'tough love'. Were you shocked at your own reaction to your mums vulnerability?

[Ginkypig]

So you thought you'd make that point by humiliation instead of showing care and concern?

[NotInMyBackYard1]

Had you raised this issue with her previously about getting to the Drs and getting some help with the incontinence? and she failed to take action?
I know it seems pretty mean on the face of it but actually I think your intention was to shock her into taking some action. It worked I suppose......

[LaLaCascada]

@fernanie Is that true? That's so sad.
If her pelvic floor is shot, 70 is too late to fix it.

[Doyouwantabrew]

Yes hope you are ashamed! Apologise to your dm for being a twat and do better as a daughter and be a better role model as a mother!

[1nsanityscatching]

Oh you were really mean and humiliated her Surely the right thing to do was to sort the car whilst dm sorted herself and then gently suggested that she saw a GP over a cup of coffee. I wouldn't be surprised if she never goes anywhere again with you tbh.

[HappyFlappy]

I would have cleaned up the car myself. It's your MOTHER - she's cleaned up plenty after you in the past, and she didn't wee herself on purpose.

[Cel982]

This can't be real. Nobody could be that unfeeling as to further humiliate their elderly mother by marching them out to the car to clean up, instead of dealing with it quickly and discreetly while she was changing.

I would be beyond furious if any of my siblings treated our mother this way, OP. I really hope you are a troll.

[KellyBoo800]

Sorry OP but what you did was fucking cruel. Your poor, poor mother.

My mum is only in her 40s and has no health issues but if she has an accident in my car I would clean it up. If there was a medical reason for it, even more reason to help her clean it up.

From your OP you really seem to think it's your mums fault that she can't control her bladder?

[Bookeatingboy]

YABVU Is this someone you supposedly love OP?

After my mum had her treatment for cancer, she had horrendous problems with similar issues and she hated going out for this very reason. If she went out she would often have an accident. Never once did my dad or any of my siblings do anything remotely like this.

[Imaystillbedrunk]

Also she is pretty much housebound due to her fear of it happening again.

Good job that no one she loves and cares for has humiliated her then

[CrochetBelle]

You are disgusting.
Expecting her to clean up after herself, if she is able, is not unreasonable. Humiliating her like a naughty child is completely unreasonable. And cruel.

[Graceflorrick]

Oh OP, that was a really mean response. She was probably embarrassed and sad and you made her feel worse. I feel quite tearful even thinking about how your poor DM must've felt.

[PacificDogwod]

Overactive bladder problems and urge incontinence are really quite different from stress incontinence.
There is medication that can help.

You were unnecessarily lacking in compassion, OP, and ill-informed.

[Note3]

I don't think ywbu. She has chosen to not seek medical help to prevent it (up til this point). She should therefore accept the consequences of this. You did not forbid her from having medical treatment to prevent accidents so why should you get the consequences?

I genuinely don't understand the argument I constantly see of 'she did x, y and z for you over the years so helping her is the least you can do'. A parent chooses to have a child and therefore owes it to them to be a parent. The child should not have duties and obligations expected of them as a result as they did not choose to be born. If they watlnt to be obligated then great but it should be ok if they don't. I am being the best parent I can to my children in the hope we're close when we're older but I accept this may not be the case. I've never been close to my mum (or my dad overly) so perhaps this taints my view.

[seriouslyenoughalready]

If it had happened to me, I wouldn't have let anyone else clean it up, i would be mortified if I thought someone had cleaned up my urine and i was capable of doing it myself
But I guess she was embarrassed and essentially she will have felt humiliated by being instructed to clean up after herself

In comparison, I never made my toddler clean up her urine if she had an accident.She wasn't naughty, she had no control.
I guess its the same.
Poor lady.

[KinkyAfro]

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?

What a nasty person you are, hopefully your kids won't be as fucking awful if you ever need help

[SomewhatIdiosyncratic]

The thread updated while I was posting. That she was wearing protection and flooded it out is different to not taking any action to managing the problem.