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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this victim blaming...?

215 replies

MissGoggins · 29/03/2017 09:35

I noticed this article and it made me think about the now infamous judge's closing remarks on her last trial (regarding drunken women and increased vulnerability).

Is this different? Or by using the same logic, is issuing this warning 'victim blaming' those who have already been victims of this crime?

If the former, then how is it different?
If the latter, then what is the alternative?

www.familiesonline.co.uk/local/solihull/in-the-know/students-warned-not-to-use-local-solihull-park

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 31/03/2017 11:27

Missgoggins, earlier you seemed to have shed your faith background in your student days when you were well known in your local pub. The new wide eyed innocence seems a little disingenuous.

And the post which I suspect riled people-it certainly riled me- was "The big question. The one we aren't allowed to ask... What if sometimes the victim is partially responsible because of their actions? Why aren't we allowed to say that? Even some victims will say it, but there is a group of professionally offended who will then tell the victim off for taking some responsibility!"

Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 11:29

Trifle, to clarify. This is what I see as your attack:

what you really want to say seems to be neatly summarised as 'drunken s---s deserve to be raped' - THAT is the course of action found only in a misogynist.

To suggest something like this based on well, I don't know what, is an attack. And a falsehood. And you should be ashamed to suggest something like this based on the questions I was asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 11:30

BertrandRussell I shed my faith background as soon as possible but the early years still hold their effect.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 11:32

I also had plenty of casual sex before I got married. Lots of which was apparently rape by the new definitions I am learning. It is a lot to take in. Could it really be that I was blameless for all of this and never have known it? It is extremely confusing.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 31/03/2017 11:52

MissGoggins:

That was a summary of your views as I see them, not an attack.

Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 11:53

Based on what? Confused
I'm categorically telling you you are mistaken.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 11:54

But you know trifle, carry on. I'm baring some deep thoughts here and would love some answers, but keep making it about you, sure. Well done.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 11:56

(You'll notice I responded right away because im sitting refreshing my screen to see what the thoughts are and your shite comes up? I honestly have no time for anything you say based on what I have experienced from you on this thread.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 31/03/2017 11:58

MissGoggins:

It doesn't matter what you categorically tell me. I can interpret your comments (even if I am mistaken) without it being an attack. I don't think I am mistaken.

Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 12:02

ODFOTTFSOFAWYGTFOSM

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 31/03/2017 12:04

" "The big question. The one we aren't allowed to ask... What if sometimes the victim is partially responsible because of their actions? Why aren't we allowed to say that? Even some victims will say it, but there is a group of professionally offended who will then tell the victim off for taking some responsibility!"

This doesn't really square with the "humble seeker after truth" persona. Especially the bit about the "professionally offended".

Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 12:09

I'm no humble anything. But I would like to know more.

You're labelling me just the same way as you judge people for labelling someone as 'easy' because of their drunken behaviour or clothing.

If troll hunting is more important to you than giving some answers then fuck the fuck off, but you don't get to go off into the sunset on a high horse...

Just a hypocritical prick like the rest of us mere mortals.

Im sure this post won't last long, but it was worth it.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 31/03/2017 12:10

Hang on, what do you want to know more about? About when women are partially responsible for being raped?

Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 12:15

Is it possible I was raped without knowing it and if so was it my fault for not knowing or the mans fault?

Like I said stop but not firmly and he said no you wanted it and I didn't force the issue to stop because I believe this means I am obliged to continue so I did.

Who was in the wrong. I said stop once but then agreed to him convincing me to keep going.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 31/03/2017 12:16

If you said stop and he didn't stop then yes, that was rape.

Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 12:17

But if he convinced me I was obliged and so then I continued and acted like I enjoyed it. Worried he would speak badly about me otherwise (he didn't threaten this, it was a personal fear).

OP posts:
Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 12:18

And by convinced I mean, "aw what's changed you were up for it, I'll slow down..."

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 31/03/2017 12:20

Just a hypocritical prick

Doesn't take a lot to strip back the faux humility, does it?

BertrandRussell · 31/03/2017 12:20

You asked him to stop. He didn't stop. It was rape.

Don't beat yourself up about the past. You know now.

Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 12:21

I mean, I'm fucking furious. Why the fuck didnt I know these things? Why did I think this was the fucking norm?

It does seem clear now. Ish. But I wanted that closeness and I wanted someone to hold me. It was almost like a fair trade off.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 12:22

I've not tried to be humble trifle please fuck off.

I want to fucking know enough to equip my daughter to know her rights:

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 31/03/2017 12:29

Lovely to see and in thread conversion.

Just tell her that she has complete control and autonomy over her own body, and no always means no.

And maybe immediately stop suggesting that women are ever, even slightly, responsible for their own rape.

Original poster
MissGoggins · 31/03/2017 12:36

BertrandRussell It only scratches the surface. I can't call what he did rape. I say he - this was more of a theme in my life. They. I used casual sex as a means to feel wanted.

Different thread.

I can't blame them for their actions. I do blame myself. I continue to, I can't switch that off. I put myself out there.

The first man who ever truly respected me sexually... well I married him! I didn't realise he was different in that way until looking back with hindsight.

I don't want this for my daughter. I hug her every day. I tell her if she ever needs a cuddle I'll be right here. She will never have to find affection from anyone unless she wants to. I never got hugs as a child. She gets loads every day.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 31/03/2017 13:20

MissGoggins:

Irrespective of any disagreement you and I have had on this thread, I am sorry you have had the experiences you have had. Please reflect on your views and how they might come across to your daughter. Teach her that there is no excuse, no mitigation, for rape. It is a black and white issue.

roundaboutthetown · 31/03/2017 14:26

MissGoggins - watch this tea and consent video by Thames Valley Police. You'll soon see how ridiculous it sounds to say that you can't change your mind about sex once you've started...
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Gp6alIALDHA