to feel quite bitter at the way things have turned out?

[cloudchasing]

Over the last couple of years, mine and dd's relationship has been very difficult. It's been heartbreaking to be honest.
Obviously along with that has been a lot of navel gazing and over analysing, and it's led me to thinking loads about how things could have been and what my expectations were, I suppose.

Do other people feel like this? I've spent so much of my life feeling like I was doing the right things, and it turns out I actually wasn't. I hate feeling bitter and I really don't want to be that person.

cloud Relate offer online/email counselling. It's just like typing to strangers on the internet but the replies are a bit more perceptive If you're uncomfortable speaking to a counsellor then it may be a good introduction for you.

Gosh, I think being a Mum can be so hard sometimes. You make them, carry them, give birth to them, bring them up for 18 years, and then they skip off to Uni (or whatever), and you are left wondering who you actually are!? They see you as "Mum" rather than a living, breathing human being, that didn't get a parenting handbook, and can sometimes make mistakes.

I also think she will come back to you. When my DD went to Uni, I really had the impression that she wouldn't miss me at all. But now some time on, it's obvious that she does.

I would offer her practical help. For eg. she will be moving in to Uni in September. Help her to buy all the stuff that she needs for that. Hire a van and help her to move in all of her belongings. Perhaps take her out to dinner that night. Buy her a card and champers to congratulate her on getting a place on the course.

With regards to contact, don't text her asking what she is doing, but rather initiate useful contact, for eg. "I've just seen this, would you like me to get it for Uni". Keep in light and practical.

Do you visit her? I visit my DD (and my DS) when I can. Do a bit of food shopping for them, take them out for dinner etc. Is this something you could do?

I had a horrendous time when my mum divorced and remarried,I didn't cope,(putting it mildly).. I got to 20 and went NC..with her and the step father...I couldn't forgive or forget...20 yrs later we are v close,he has died and she has said many times how sorry she is for not putting me first(ever).(left out huge chunks of info) some kids thrive in a step family ,I just didn't,failed exams ,wasn't anyone's priority...it's the reason I'm a SAHM,and have stayed with my kids dad (my dh )through thick and thin...my kids know they are my priority. Sending you 💐And I hope it dosnt take you 20 yrs to sort out x good luck (not in anyway saying all kids in step families arnt put first,or that only SAHMs care..I'm just talking about me and my family)

Thank you so much for all your comments and advice. I really appreciate it. I'll be chattier later because I'm on a night shift.

When I read your post it was the stepfathers I noticed first. How does your daughter feel about that cloud?

cloudchasing - no she will not respond to anything. we have no address for her and any phone calls, texts or emails are ignored.
my youngest children do not even remember her and my 6 year old is so upset and has had real problems being dropped off at school because she went to school one morning and her sister was at home and when she came home she was gone and she hasn't heard form her again.
I'm stuck between being heartbroken and angry that she has done this - all apparently about being asked to tidy a room!

It sounds very difficult. But she won't have left just because she was asked to tidy her room. There must be more to it than that, even if you don't know or understand what it was.

OP, this is far more common than you think/feel, though that wont make you feel any better today. Some things to hold on to.

A great disappointment in life is when we discover our parents arent perfect. She'll get over that... (or if she doesnt, then there is one spoiled narcissistic 'child' pulling your chain for the next 40 years). Secondly, whether she likes it or not, she will indeed one day be 30 and grown up. Its a further huge disappointment to realise we're utterly personally responsible. She'll get over that too. (Unless youre paying her car insurance, or subsidising rent/bills when shes 30, in which case you'll still be 'ruining her life'!

This is all part and parcel of growing up, and its the hard part. Go with the flow and re-focus your day to day activities elswhere. 200 years ago, she may have run off to be a cabin boy to be the grown up she desperately wants to be. 100 years ago, she may have joined up to fight the great war etc etc etc (I know I know shes a girl, but you get my point) None of those late teen plans include aspiring to be hovering round mums skirts, bringing her tea or picking her flowers. Its utterly normal, and Im just concerned that you are indeed reacting to some perceived guilt you may have from your perceived 'broken home' childhoods.

Youve done a great job. Youve raised great children. None are in care .....or prison. Great news that shes going to Uni in september, meeting others who indeed have come from far more chaotic backgrounds, is a great leveller.

My only point of advice Id strongly urge, is its for you to ensure the back door is left open. Youre the parent, and its for you to swallow the hurt and do the right thing. Sharing your upset or distress is for you to do with privately with your partner, not your children. Youre the adult in this relationship, not the one seeking comfort from the child.
Keep that back door open, drop a chatty email filled with irrelevant day to day chat once a week, and dont expect a chatty email in return. Your phone calls should be light day to day chatty stuff too, simply ending with a light, love you and miss you message. All previous insults, blame laying episodes should be utterly forgotten.

Shes 19, or rather 14 going on 30. As sure as eggs are eggs, she will grow up, and no doubt be a wonderful adult daughter as long as all her teenage failings are utterly forgotten and shes never reminded of them again. Only you can show her that that will be the case.

another one here op who knows what you are going through
no answers from me but you are not alone

Thanks so much for your posts. I feel a lot more positive today, it was Mother's Day that dredged it up - I don't know why really, she's never really made the effort when she lived here!

One of the things that has always stuck in my head that she's said over the last few months - she doesn't feel a familial bond to anyone, like I do. She loves me, and she cares for me, but she doesn't feel obligation to contact me, she only wants to do that if she feels like it. So from that day, I backed right off and have left any contact to her. It's definitely better than it was last year, baby steps I suppose.

Really does make you look at yourself though.

Glad you feel a bit better today, OP.

I'm sure things will work out in time. At least you have some sort of communication going on. That's something.

Glad your feeling brighter Cloudchaser. Dont worry about the familial bond thing, Id be highly surprised if many teenagers felt that! Parents are people who impose curfews, interfere with social arrangements, demand family duty responsibilities, all those things that are totally annoying and disruptive to teenage life. Unless there are close siblings, twins, etc familial bonds get stronger with age. I started missing my grandparents, 20 years after they died. Now, I almost mourn them daily. The older we get, the stronger the pull, but certainly for me, I had no 'familial' pull in my teens and 20's. It is hard, and things will never be the same again, but thats all part and parcel of blossoming (!) adult children. She will come back to you, as a far wiser, far more level young woman. Have faith in the grounding you built in those childhood years.