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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel quite bitter at the way things have turned out?

87 replies

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 10:15

Over the last couple of years, mine and dd's relationship has been very difficult. It's been heartbreaking to be honest.
Obviously along with that has been a lot of navel gazing and over analysing, and it's led me to thinking loads about how things could have been and what my expectations were, I suppose.

Do other people feel like this? I've spent so much of my life feeling like I was doing the right things, and it turns out I actually wasn't. I hate feeling bitter and I really don't want to be that person.

OP posts:

Original poster

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:05

Kate that's exactly it! I do feel like it was me and her against the world and now she doesn't give a shit. It feels horrible.

I am a bit needy, we both know that. I'm not clingy though and I try really hard not to try and control her - well, I can't anymore, she's an adult. But as I accept her flaws, I think she should accept mine. She won't though.

OP posts:

SallyInSweden · 27/03/2017 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:08

I'm not angry brasty, I'm upset and hurt. I don't think I deserve it, and that's where the problem lies. I've spent months admitting to my failings but it doesn't make a difference really.

The alpha female struggle with a teenage girl is very real, and talking amongst my friends, very common. Have you not seen wildlife documentaries about the younger female ousting the mother from the pride?

OP posts:

Original poster

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:09

If it were up to me Sally I would speak to her every day. But if I message her more than twice a week, she tells me I have no life and I'm stalking her

OP posts:

mikeyssister · 27/03/2017 12:10

I'm sorry but I'm going to go against the grain here.

You said your DD blames you at age 19 for something that happened a few years ago, plus the one year she went to college. I'm guessing that would be 4 years ago so she'd be 15 and at that age I think you should have pushed her harder to go to university.

I can't comment on any other example but that's my opinion on this one.

brasty · 27/03/2017 12:10

No I don't recognise the description of an alpha female struggle. What I do recognise is that all teenagers struggle towards independence. This is not a struggle for an alpha female position, but a struggle towards adulthood.

katronfon · 27/03/2017 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brasty · 27/03/2017 12:13

And you say yourself you are needy, which is probably why she wants contact no more than twice a week.
I am sorry OP, but I really suspect that a lot has gone on here that you are still not seeing. The alpha female struggle narrative rings major alarm bells for me.
I suspect you will not have the same issues with your DS, because you treat him differently.

Gottagetmoving · 27/03/2017 12:14

I have had exactly the same with my DD.
I split from her dad when she was 10. She seemed ok at the time but became a nightmare at age 14. She hated me and my new dp. It was a very difficult time. She accused me of being a rubbish mother and to be honest I do feel I failed her in many ways.
I too had a closer relationship with my son who is 3 years younger than she is. He was always affectionate and loving but I realise that because he was easier, I was more loving towards him. That must have made her resent me more. She also blamed me for not pushing her to go to Uni. but if I had at that time she would have gone against me anyway!
Things improved when my daughter had her first child and I supported her through it. She saw me differently and we grew closer.
It's not all a bed of roses now but we talk and I have acknowledged how she felt and admitted my failings. Being a mother herself now she understands more.
You can't change the past but I would reach out to her OP and be there if she needs you, which she probably will at some point.

KateMateDateFateLateBateGate · 27/03/2017 12:19

"I am a bit needy, we both know that. I'm not clingy though and I try really hard not to try and control her - well, I can't anymore, she's an adult. But as I accept her flaws, I think she should accept mine. She won't though." It's going to take a long time until she will accept your 'flaws' -being a human being and not suer mum. Probably by the time she is dealing with stroppy toddlers of her own. This is also normal. I think emotionally you need to stop expecting anything at all. Nothing. Let her go. She'll come back when she is ready. Be there when she initiates contact but never comment on her lack of contact. She needs to be free now and her own person.

has she got a boyfriend OP?

"I've spent months admitting to my failings but it doesn't make a difference really. " Stop doing that now. You both need to move on. If she criticises you again, just say that you are very sorry things didn't work out in the way that she had hoped, but that you didi the best at the time. Remind her that she is the adult now and can go and make her own decisions and mistakes but they will be hers. I get the sense she feels dominated by you. Talk of Alpha woman is really unhelpful pop science. This is your daughter, you love her but this love need to be unconditional. You also need to love yourself and start making changes in your life. Start living your life and enjoy the freedom you have now that you dd has moved out.

"But if I message her more than twice a week, she tells me I have no life and I'm stalking her" Don't message her at all. Let her initiate contact every time until she feels she is in the drivers seat.

Would you be able to pay for therapy to work through some of your feelings? I think it might help you move onto the next pahse of your life.

brasty · 27/03/2017 12:19

I think sometimes mums expect more from their DDs than their DSs, especially if the mum is at all needy and/or does not have many adults in their life who can give support. This naturally means that often the relationship with the DD is more difficult. Teenagers are not there to meet the emotional needs of parents.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 27/03/2017 12:20

I've spent months admitting to my failings but it doesn't make a difference really I would admit your failing (if you think you didn't do something so well), then apologise once but don't go on and on. If she keeps on about it, just say 'I've said I was sorry, I don't want to keep having this conversation'. You are not her kicking ball, someone to blame when her world isn't going great, so don't keep allowing her to do it, then getting upset/down when she does. She of course can keep kicking you as her dad is nowhere to be seen to be kicked. I think it's ok to understand why your children take stuff out on you, but also to call a halt to anyone being rude/blaming/abusive to you just because you are their mum.

It's great she's off to uni, perhaps text her once a week a friendly open supportive message that doesn't even require a reply, and leave it at that. I would find it very hard too.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 27/03/2017 12:21

OP why don't you start sending her little weekly postcards or funny greetings cards? Each with a nice message on...just something daft. In a world of apps and instant messages, this will be a tangible thing.

Something she will enjoy for the sake of it perhaps?

Original poster

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:21

I will always be here if she needs me, until my dying day, and she knows that.

You don't need to apologise brasty, I came here for opinions, you don't have to agree with me!

You see I've always seen my relationship with her as very open and healthy. We talk about everything. But only on her terms, if you see what I mean.

With regards to the alpha thing - there came a point (as I believe there does with a lot of teenagers) where she decided she was in charge in the house. Everything had to revolve around her and her wants and needs. Typical behaviour I expect. And we have clashed many times over that. That's what I mean.

OP posts:

brasty · 27/03/2017 12:25

She was pushing bach against your authority. Toddlers do the same, it does not mean that your DD as a toddler was struggling to be an alpha female. I know I am labouring the point, but framing this natural teenage push back as a struggle for alpha female, will not help you. Instead recognise that she was a child who was struggling for independence. This is normal. Just as it is normal for toddlers to constantly say no. Difficult, but normal.

FrenchLavender · 27/03/2017 12:26

Kate that's exactly it! I do feel like it was me and her against the world and now she doesn't give a shit. It feels horrible.

How was it you and her against the world? In the 15 years you've been apart from her dad she's had two different stepfathers for a total of 11 years and a half brother for 11 years.

Original poster

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:29

I have relied on her emotionally a bit I expect too, over the years. So when she turned on me, I felt bereft of a friend as well as a daughter. That's my fault.

I do treat my son differently- but only because they are totally different people. He is more of an open and emotional person like me, whereas she is much more closed and detests talking about feelings of any sort.

I have followed the path of letting her initiate contact for a while now. And she does, sporadically.

I have found this part of parenting the hardest of it all. I successfully learned how to let go, bit by bit, and all that stuff, but this part has done me in.

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 27/03/2017 12:29

I think you need to accept that her view of it might be different to yours but it is still valid.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 27/03/2017 12:30

If I were you, OP I would get somewhere you can let your own feelings out and I think this will improve things a lot (e.g. counselling). It's just good to have your own space to talk and articulate how you feel. I think that will be quite insightful for you (also you do say yourself you are 'needy' and the last thing a 19 year old wants to be concerned with is a needy mum, so this will help fill this gap).

Original poster

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:32

Because she was my first child French, much wanted and a huge surprise as I didn't know I was pregnant until I was 18 weeks - and we have been each other's constant for 20 years.

OP posts:

brasty · 27/03/2017 12:34

I wonder if she feels your apologies are minimising what happened? Just a guess.
You and her against the world, and relying on her emotionally, are both emotionally harmful dynamics in a child parent relationship.
I also think some counselling might be helpful to you.

Original poster

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:35

FaFoutis I agree completely. That's what I have been trying to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:37

Oh she definitely feels that I'm minimising things brasty, she's told me that lots.

I just want things to be how they used to be. Although then I don't, because how I believed things were back then, she was seeing them completely differently.

I've never had any counselling. I think I think it makes me weak. But you are all right.

OP posts:

Original poster

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:39

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

OP posts:

GwenStaceyRocks · 27/03/2017 12:41

I'm glad she's going to university. It's only natural then that she is starting to withdraw from you and trying to make sense of the world as an adult.
I agree with brasty about the 'alpha female' wording. It implies inherent competition.
Your DD doesn't need you to keep apologising. To be blunt, she needs you to be secure and stable without a layering of emotional blackmail. I'm concerned there's a lot of unhealthy dynamics bubbling below the surface.
Saying you will be there for her until your dying day implies a passivity and martyrdom, as do your comments about 'not deserving' this treatment.
It sounds as though you're looking for your DD to fill and manage your emotional needs and wants. That isn't her role. She may grow into that role as an adult but not as a teen.

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