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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel quite bitter at the way things have turned out?

87 replies

cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 10:15

Over the last couple of years, mine and dd's relationship has been very difficult. It's been heartbreaking to be honest.
Obviously along with that has been a lot of navel gazing and over analysing, and it's led me to thinking loads about how things could have been and what my expectations were, I suppose.

Do other people feel like this? I've spent so much of my life feeling like I was doing the right things, and it turns out I actually wasn't. I hate feeling bitter and I really don't want to be that person.

OP posts:
Stripeymug · 27/03/2017 12:42

My DSis was very much like this, as a young adult she has decided that everything that my Dad did when we were growing up was wrong and hounded him to the point of depression about it, listing all the wrongs, in hindsight yes a lot of it was wrong by todays and our standards (now that we are parents) but he took a stance that he did his best at the time with the skills that he had, he gave a blanket apology for things that he did wrong (in her eyes) and asked for her to change her attitude towards him. It did sort of work, they were fairly close for 20 or so years.

Could you have a similar conversation? She sounds like she in a good place now, University starting etc? be supportive of that? when she starts Uni could you go to meet her on your own? have a nice lunch, share a bottle of wine etc?

The relationship that you have with her as an adult is just starting, give her positive reasons to meet up? Where is the University in relation to where you are now?

Does she resent you moving away? if so offer to travel to her?

Chickendipper12 · 27/03/2017 12:43

I had a really bad relationship with my mum when I was younger.

Now shes my best friend in the world. Things will change xxx

malificent7 · 27/03/2017 12:51

You didnt fail her. She didnt want to go to uni. You listened to her. She is now going. She waited until she was ready which is what everyone should do re uni. I dont really understand why she is taking this out on you.
You really cant win but i rekon as she gets older she will mature and start taking more responsibility for her decisions.
She would have dropped out if shed gone before ready.

Original poster
cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:51

We moved away when she was 5 and 6 months ago she moved to live in our hometown. She's going to uni down there and I couldn't be happier for her.

The comment about being there until my dying day wasn't meant to be martyrish, it was in response to a couple of people telling me I needed to make it clear that I am her mother and will love her unconditionally. That's something she can be in no doubt about.

OP posts:
brasty · 27/03/2017 12:53

Okay if she feels you are minimising, then your apologies will mean nothing to her.
Going to counselling is not weak. I think you need to sort out your own feelings about what has happened, before you can really look to the future.

Original poster
cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 12:54

I don't mind taking responsibility as such for decisions that she's made. I just feel a bit lost without her and the relationship that I thought we would have. You have this idea in your head that you and your daughter will be really good friends as adults - well I did, because of how we had always been together. It was all just a bit of a shock to hear.

OP posts:
Bebraveagain · 27/03/2017 12:55

Of course if you'd pushed her to stay for A levels and it hadn't gone well, she would have blamed you for that!
Im going through similar with my DD. She does admit she takes things out on me occasionally but it still hurts.
You need to protect yourself from being her emotional punchbag. She'll one day come to accept and own her own decisions and realise no one is gifted with hindsight when we make decisions on our future.

brasty · 27/03/2017 12:56

But having an idea of how you want a relationship to be, and expecting your child to live up to that, is alot of pressure on your child. You need to love the child you have, not the one you want.

mikeyssister · 27/03/2017 12:58

There's nothing worse than a parent who blanket apologises for things they did wrong or says, " well I did my best". That's not good enough.

Parent's shouldn't try to brush things under the carpet and pretend everything should be okay now they've apologised.

OP, you can't be your DDs friend you have to be a mother. This means you express interest in her life and don't push your emotions onto her. Let her decide the level of contact and any texts to her should be closed texts. For instance "I hope you have a wonderful day today" is better than "let me know how you get on today". She can reply to the first if she wants but the second puts pressure on her to reply, which will build resentment.

Definitely send funny postcards etc, with a bright breezy "I saw this and thought you'd like it" or "Hope this makes you smile"

There's nothing you've said that indicates your DD thinks she's an alpha, and there's nothing that says your relationship can't improve.

Do not emotionally rely on your daughter, and definitely, definitely think about getting some counselling.

KateMateDateFateLateBateGate · 27/03/2017 12:59

"You need to love the child you have, not the one you want."

^^ I love this Thanks

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 27/03/2017 12:59

cloud you may well be good friends again. But that's not really the primary purpose of a mum- which is to be, well, a mum, who has her own life, her own interests and isn't reliant on her relationship with her children to keep her emotionally healthy. I think seeing yourself as 'steadying the ship' of teenagerdom is a good way of thinking about it you aren't there to be friends, but to be a stable backdrop and weather the storms so they can go out into the world. It is hard though.

It sounds like her moving away is actually a good thing in some ways, it will give you a chance to re-set things differently and perhaps in a less dependent way. Counselling isn't weak at all, it's extremely helpful or I've found it so, and will also allow you to get some of your own emotional needs met without over-burdening her which she clearly doesn't want at this stage.

Don't panic, this is fixable and will work out over time if you don't pressure it or act like it's ruined your life.

bigarse1 · 27/03/2017 12:59

i know exactly how u r feeling. I have a 21 year old daughter who has had no contact with us for 18 months now. we asked her to tidy her room and help out around the house - apparently if we loved her we wouldn't ask these things. said no, packed her bags and the only contact we have had since is a text from her telling us that she had blocked our phone numbers and emails so not to bother contacting her. she also took great delight in telling me I was the worst mother possible and that my other children would grow up to hate me as much as she did. completely out of the blue - thought we had a good relationship

Original poster
cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 13:00

Does it really help though? I hate talking about myself to people, which is why I choose this medium to offload onto helpful strangers Grin

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 27/03/2017 13:01

bigarse that sounds very difficult.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 27/03/2017 13:03

cloud why don't you try it, look on the BACP (?) website? I don't think you will get much on the NHS these days.

If it doesn't work for you, you will know.

You do sound like you keep a lot inside and it has to come out somewhere. If you don't want it to be at her, then counselling, or lots and lots of talking with friends might help (or a diary?) Somewhere to put all this stuff.

oklumberjack · 27/03/2017 13:03

I think she will come back to you too OP. Just keep doing what you're doing. Maybe a little more contact/communication.

My best friend came to live with us when she was 15. Her mum was in an EA Relationship and my friend was angry. She wanted her mum to leave. Her mum found it so hard, so my friend left. She ended up travelling to Australia for 2 years to be with her estranged Dad (who was crap). Eventually her mum managed to leave the relationship and my friend came back to live with her. By then she was about 20? However, once her mum was in her own space my friend became hugely angry with her. I witnessed it often. She asked over and over again "why didn't you leave earlier??". Her mum just had to say "I thought I was doing my best". Heartbreaking. It took a while but my friend did snap out of it.

Fast forward to today, my friend is 45. Happily married, two children, is not angry about anything and LOVES her mum. Her mum went to Art school at 70 and got an MA in Fine Art.

I know it's not quite the same story as your but what Kate said upthread about this bring some kind of late teenage rebellion seems true to me. I hated my Mum right up until I was about 21! She never did anything to me except say the odd sarcastic thing! We're so close now. I just got over myself.

I'm sure things will get better OP. Hold on x

Original poster
cloudchasing · 27/03/2017 13:04

bigarse I am sorry. Will she not say why?

OP posts:
MamaSchmama · 27/03/2017 13:04

If you can apologise and have an honest conversation about the things you got wrong, without being defensive, you're in an amazing place to start rebuilding your relationship.

My mother got things badly wrong when I was a teenager but still won't acknowledge it (although on one level she sort of knows - she very defensively explains why she did what she did). And unfortunately it still affects our relationship. I honestly think if she just said sorry we would be able to move forward in a better way.

mikeyssister · 27/03/2017 13:05

Yes it helps. I had an emotionally dependent mother who I never wanted to see again but conselling helped me keep it together, on my terms, until she died.

She thought we had a good mother daughter relationship Confused

brasty · 27/03/2017 13:06

OP I need to get on with things, so this will be my last comment for now.
Just from the things you have posted there have obviously been some very unhealthy dynamics in the relationship betweern you and your DD. Just from what you have said:

  • you are needy and relied on her emotionally when she was a child (rather than getting support from adult friends or family)
  • you saw yourself in competition with her when she was a teenager as to who is in charge (rather than seeing this as a stage children go through in striving for adulthood)
  • you have seen it as you and her against the world ( when you had stepfathers and a DS)
  • you have an idealised view of how you want your relationship with your DD to be
  • you see it negatively that she has not always wanted to discuss everything with you or share all her thoughts ( she only shares her thoughts in her terms)
  • you treat her DB differently and make far less emotional demands on him and so you have an easier relationship with him

And then you minimise all this by giving as an example of where your parenting might have been wrong, that you did not push her enough to go to university.

I think you need to:

  • write chatty letters to her weekly. No pressure in these letters, just nice chatty letters of what you are doing
  • find and build adult relationships
-stop showing how needy you are to your DD. Your emotional neediness is not her responsibility
  • try and accept the daughter you actually have, rather than the idealised one you want
  • go for some counselling.

Good luck OP. You can build a better relationship with her in the future, but I think you really need to work through your own emotions and needs first.

katronfon · 27/03/2017 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MangoSplit · 27/03/2017 13:15

I agree with posters saying that she is still young, and you shouldn't write off the possibility of ending up with a good relationship in future. Don't give up!

You know how some people find the baby / toddler / teen phase the hardest? Eg my DS1 was tricky around 18 months but is now a delightful pre-teen. Well, for you, and your DD this has been the most challenging time - the last year or two. But keep trying to keep the door open for communication between you. In a couple more years this may all be behind you.

ApplePaltrow21 · 27/03/2017 13:24

brasty is 100% correct. You've treated her as a friend but she's your daughter. I also agree that your relationship at 19 is the very beginning of an adult relationship.

You've got decades left and she's young. So don't do anything stupid.

daisychain01 · 27/03/2017 13:32

Im of the belief that a parent can only hope to be "friends" with their DC after all the parenting guiding and nurturing is done , the DC has left home (often in a fit of pique all guns ablazing at how cruel the parent was and how badly they've been treated) and they get out there in the big wide world and become their own person, away from the interference and unwanted intervention of the parent who is just a meddling interfering nuisance to them.

Then they realise after a while, "bloody hell that old gimmer back home really does know a thing or two. I think I'd quite like to go back and see how they're getting on!" That normally comes from exchanging experiences with peers and realising there are people out there who had it a lot worse.

Honestly OP don't worry about perfection. As already said on here, you didnt have a rule book and had to do what everyone does - make it up as you go along.

Brunilde · 27/03/2017 13:32

I was this daughter!!!

My mum was very over protective and over bearing. I was rebellious and went against everything she said.

We had a bad relationship for a few years but I grew up. I learnt to understand that a lot of the time she was right. She did know best, I just couldn't see that then. And the times when she was wrong I now understand she was trying her best, and was trying to protect me. Although maybe she didn't go about it the right way.

Give her space, don't push her into having the relationship you want right now. And chances are you might both come around to understanding each other better.

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