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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fallen out with family over dd party

100 replies

mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 10:14

Hi, I'm looking for some advice please! Recently I had a party for DD's 6th birthday. We hired a small venue and invited her classmates. A few days before the party DH asked if I had invited his sister and brother in law and their new baby (we also have a new baby). I was about to invite them but put it to the back of my mind as I spent the next few days chasing up RSVPs, putting together party bags and organising the cake. Day of the party arrived and mil wondered where they were, she asked if I had invited them..I panicked and said that I had! I feel awful! Now bro-in-law has deleted us on Facebook and has cut all contact. Tbh it was DD's class party and I wouldn't have throught to invite them anyway. We had her friends and the grandparents and that was it. I feel it's a big over reaction on their part but I feel awful that I panicked and said I sent the invite! 🙁

OP posts:

diddl · 27/03/2017 12:34

" Only on the day did I get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when mil asked if I'd text them."

But why not say that you had forgotten?

Of course BIL is pissed off!

Original poster

mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 12:37

Good day - we aren't close to them and only see them maybe twice a year at most

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/03/2017 12:43

I understand you have a new baby so your dh should have invited them. That said, you do sound a bit like my sil, who doesn't see the importance of inviting cousins.

My dd is 3 years older than her cousin. I managed to hide the fact that she wasn't invited to her cousins parties when she was younger even though we invited him every time. At 7 (and then 8) she became aware she wasn't being invited to her cousins party and she has been very very hurt by it. Remember somewhere down the line when their baby is having parties and your dcs are left out, they may be very hurt too.

In your shoes, I'd be apologising, blaming baby brain. And saying you really did think you'd invited them. Smooth it over. For the sake of your children if nothing else.

Bitlost · 27/03/2017 12:44

It's a class party so no reason why they should be invited. Our DH's family got funny when I didn't invite them to DD's class party -- I still don't understand why.

Now the problem is that you said you had invited them.... I'd just ring up your BIL and explain all this. Can't be such a big deal!

Pallisers · 27/03/2017 12:47

Of course BIL is pissed off!

No of course about it. There isn't one of my many BILS who would get pissed off at not being invited to a kid's party especially if it was by mistake or an oversight. They would laugh, or not think twice of it, or take the piss out of us forever more but they wouldn't be pissed off. As I read so many posts on here saying of course he is pissed off and the OP deleted him from the family I am giving thanks for my own family and my in laws.

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2017 12:52

But we don't know that is what he is irritated or upset by. Given the way the OP panicked in the face of being ask by the MIL he presumably is irritated that he was told off for not attending by his MIL to an event he knew nothing snout

Throughout the thread the OP makes excuses for why she did not send the invite but nowhere does she say she has spoken to them to clear it up

Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 12:52

But why did you lie? That's the bit I don't get. Why didn't you say "oh shit i totally forgot"

Bluntness100 · 27/03/2017 12:58

I suspect you're still not being completely honest op. I think you didn't want to invite them so didn't and you misled both your husband (in that you would) and your mother in law ( in that you had).

I think in future if you don't want them there, really just be honest about it. At least with your husband. I'm not sure it's fair on him otherwise to say you will invite them when deep down uou know you won't . If he then wants them there he can do the asking.

It looks like some family upset has been caused as it looks like they shunned their nieces birthday party when they were never actually received the text invitation in the first place, and they know you lied about texting them to your mother in law to allow her to think that, which is what probably pissed them off. It's probably pissed your mother in law off as well , not just because you chose not to invite them, but because you lied and said you had, making them think they simply were rude and didn't turn up.

Being honest up front really is the better approach.

GoodDayToYou · 27/03/2017 13:07

OP, I guessed you weren't close. It does sound like they've overreacted but at the same time, lying about it probably hasn't helped. I do understand that these things happen though.

So, what's your plan, OP? Have you sent that text yet?

titianlove · 27/03/2017 13:17

My BIL and SIL deleted me from social media because, during a very tough year for me for various reasons I prioritised my DD, my DH and a close family friend who was dying (spent copious nights in hospital feeding her, holding her hand and talking to her in the months before she died). They were annoyed that I didn't pay them and their child enough attention when I was close to a breakdown myself. Never heard a thing from them when I was at my lowest ebb.

They did me a favour to be honest. Ignore it OP. He sounds too childish for my liking. I would just own up in future to a balls up if you forget to invite someone or make a mistake

redshoeblueshoe · 27/03/2017 13:18

Blimey. DH can't be arsed to text his own Dsis, Mil clearly stirring the pot, and its the OP getting grief.
This was clearly for her school friends.
And why so many nasty comments, OP has said she is getting very little sleep.

diddl · 27/03/2017 13:20

"There isn't one of my many BILS who would get pissed off at not being invited to a kid's party "

I would have thought that it was the lying that had pissed him off, not the lack of invitation.

F1ipFlopFrus · 27/03/2017 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

golfbuggy · 27/03/2017 13:37

I too would have been pissed off about the lying.

It makes BIL look like the bad guy (didn't bother to come) and makes OP out to be someone who can't be bothered and then lies about it.

DrowningSeas · 27/03/2017 13:50

YABU.. why lie? It has caused even more drama and now your going to be in a difficult family position.

Go see BIL, explain how busy you were and under stress with planning. Throw in a DH is a nightmare blah blah.. Then apologise unreservedly.

In all honesty, yes DH should let his family know about events.

However, you were the organiser you sent all the invites out and should have done every one not just those you selected.

Lingotria · 27/03/2017 13:54

But you said you'd invite them and then lied about it afterwards. Just admit your mistake and apologize. You're being very unreasonable here & not a good example to your kid by not admitting to your mistakes.

In an ideal world yes you would have told your dh to invite his ds himself but you didn't. You said you'd do it, didn't, then lied about it.

Pallisers · 27/03/2017 15:44

There isn't one of my many BILS who would get pissed off at not being invited to a kid's party "

I would have thought that it was the lying that had pissed him off, not the lack of invitation.

Maybe - since he didn't bother telling her just deleted her from facebook we don't really know but why didn't he just give her a break - or at least ask her what happened. she has a small baby and was put on the spot by her MIL. Mine would have teased me about being scared of my MIL or something. I don't know. There seems to be an awful lot of dudgeon being taken about a forgotten invite. My guess is these in laws never presume the best but instead presume they are being insulted.

OP, I'd send a quick apology to your BIL and after that I would hope everyone would act like a grown up and forget about it.

Lingotria · 27/03/2017 16:45

@Pallisers - my guess is the OP might have form for this

redshoeblueshoe · 27/03/2017 16:48

Or the Mil has form for being a shit stirrer

KathyBeale · 27/03/2017 16:59

Surely any normal person would respond like this:

MIL: why didn't you go to niece's party? You were invited.

BIL: we didn't get the invitation. What a shame. shrugs Maybe it got lost in the post or perhaps SIL forgot. No biggie.

OP I'd definitely go with the vague 'sorry for the mix up' text.

lazyarse123 · 27/03/2017 17:19

Just ring and apologize. I must be getting old i really don't understand this mn thing of his family so his job to always deal with them, no wonder there are so many fractured families about.

ZombieApocalips · 27/03/2017 17:28

Middle class people would definitely order corn on the cob, quinoa or spicy rice over chips. 😂

ZombieApocalips · 27/03/2017 17:28

Sorry wrong thread 😱

pipsqueak25 · 27/03/2017 17:31

bil sounds a bit of a knob deleting you on fb - oh the shame - doesn't sound like a great loss,

NightWanderer · 28/03/2017 00:26

I think it's more likely that the OP was stressed out and exhausted having organized the whole party while taking care of a newborn and rather than be supportive, her H and in laws lay one more thing on her and she just knew it would kick of and it would be one more thing for her to deal with. So that's why she lied.

I agree lying isn't normal, but perhaps it says something about the stress the OP is under rather than being a reflection on her character. Her husband is too lazy to text his own brother, he did nothing to help organize the party and now the OP is expected to give a groveling apology? Fuck that!

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