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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fallen out with family over dd party

100 replies

mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 10:14

Hi, I'm looking for some advice please! Recently I had a party for DD's 6th birthday. We hired a small venue and invited her classmates. A few days before the party DH asked if I had invited his sister and brother in law and their new baby (we also have a new baby). I was about to invite them but put it to the back of my mind as I spent the next few days chasing up RSVPs, putting together party bags and organising the cake. Day of the party arrived and mil wondered where they were, she asked if I had invited them..I panicked and said that I had! I feel awful! Now bro-in-law has deleted us on Facebook and has cut all contact. Tbh it was DD's class party and I wouldn't have throught to invite them anyway. We had her friends and the grandparents and that was it. I feel it's a big over reaction on their part but I feel awful that I panicked and said I sent the invite! 🙁

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 27/03/2017 10:58

It's pretty awful u invited your parents and not dh parents to childrens performance
No it's not. You can't invite everybody to everything. I'm sure MIL will get invites OPs parents don't.

OlennasWimple · 27/03/2017 10:59

This is DH's problem, really, though bear in mind what has happened here to handle situations like this better in future. Ie he needs to step up and get involved more: if he wanted his sister and her family at the party (why?? and why would they want to come??), he should have said earlier and followed up the invite stuff.

Can you send them a party bag with some birthday cake?

Porpoiselife · 27/03/2017 11:00

Just apologise, Just ring them and say, sorry I thought I had sent your invite, but just found it. Blame baby brain. So although another lie, it will make them feel like you did actually think of them and save your ass a bit too. And invite them round for coffee or dinner or something.

They are a bit dramatic to unfriend you over a 6 year olds class party Shock unless there is more going on here than just this.

Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 11:02

Alexanderhamilton my thoughts exactly! The grandparents were a big help, mil had the baby, my mum helped cut the cake, lay table etc. If it was utter chaos and I needed a stiff drink afterwards! Ha ha. They had a lucky escape!

OP posts:
Timeforteaplease · 27/03/2017 11:02

OP hasn't handled this badly.
She arranged the whole party. Invited the children and grand parents.
It was her husband who then decided to invite more family and it was him who didn't do anything about it.
And MIL was really rude to ask why DS and SIL weren't there.
OP has been caught in the middle of other people behaving badly.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 27/03/2017 11:03

I think his mum probably feels left out by you, as you seem to be deliberately creating a 'them, and us' situation with his family and yours. You invite yours and ignore his and leave to him

Yes, she leaves it to him. Just as he's leaving it to her. Why when dh can't be buggered to invite them is it then OP's fault for not chasing him to do it or better still doing it for him? Why is it unfair that she's organised while he isn't, and this then gets termed as her deliberately creating a them/us situation?

Does possession of a penis mess with organisational/invitational skills or something?

1bighappyfamily · 27/03/2017 11:05

Your BIL is being an idiot. And your DH needs to invite his own family. If you're organising the party it surely isn't beyond his capability to manage that.

DH's family (actually just DMIL) indulges in nonsense around who is invited to what and gets all offended and worried if invitations haven't been extended to the right people at the right time. Drives me potty.

Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 11:07

If I could go and see them today I would but they are too far away. Sending them a party bag is a nice idea.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 27/03/2017 11:09

I do t think it's her OH's problem at all. If she did all the invites and he asked whether they were invited and she replied that she was about to invite them, why would he do so? Also she lied when MIL asked had they been invited. To me it sounds as though you didn't want them there and just fobbed everyone off, it probably sounds like that to them too.. And yes it's just a class party, but the child obviously has family who love her and want to share experiences, they were probably excited about bringing her tiny cousin to their first party. I think you were a bit mean and do owe a few humble pie apologies.

MackerelOfFact · 27/03/2017 11:09

Reading between the lines, as BIL's reaction sounds extreme, (why would they care about missing a 6yo's party when they have a newborn?!) I wouldn't be surprised if MIL has given them an earful about missing the party and they're annoyed they've got the blame, rather than being annoyed about not getting an invite to the party.

No idea what your MIL and BIL are like though or whether this sounds in character for them.

Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 11:11

Rumbling when I ask DH to invite/speak to a family member he panics and says that he "hates talking on the phone" and that I'm "just better at it". Gah!

OP posts:
Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 11:12

All organising is left up to me but of course I get blamed if there is a cock up.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 27/03/2017 11:12

That is really shitty. Your BIL and his wife will have the impression that you didn't want them there so you just lied about inviting them. It would be very hurtful.

Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 11:13

Ironically, DH is much more organised than I am but unfortunately lazier too

OP posts:
ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 27/03/2017 11:17

Ok, its a bit of a cock-up but who the hell goes NC over an oversight re party invitations?
Ahem. My sister hasn't spoken to me since I didn't invite her and her baby and toddler to 6y/old DS's trampolining party probably illegal these days. DS is now 22 Hmm and the cousins are strangers to each other.

Butterymuffin · 27/03/2017 11:18

"Well, sweetheart, you'll never get better at talking on the phone if you don't do it, will you?"

I say use NoSquirrelss 'crossed wires' email, send a party bag, and tell DH in no uncertain terms that he is now responsible for inviting his family to each and every event he wants them invited to.

I don't know why they'd have wanted to come either. It wouldn't have been much fun for the baby.

GoodDayToYou · 27/03/2017 11:19

Personally, I would be as honest as possible but also kind, with an emphasis on 'damage limitation'. How about sending a text apologising if they were upset and blaming baby brain for the confusion re invites. You could maybe add that it was actually a class party anyway so probably wouldn't have been much fun for them but that you will look forward to seeing them all again soon, hope you're all well etc. I would also ignore the Facebook drama and not friend them again. If they kick off any more just hand it over to your dh. I tend to think less is more with this sort of thing. It sounds like quite a big reaction from them in the circumstances so I would guess they've created a whole host of issues in their minds, possibly going back a while. If you're genuinely not aware of anything else then you're probably best off keeping a bit of a distance. Just some thoughts anyway.

NightWanderer · 27/03/2017 11:19

Your DH is lazy. He can invite them by text. I'd just leave it. There's no way I'd be apologising for it. He needs to sort his own family out. Not your fault.

Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 11:20

I agree that it was handled badly however I don't believe I need to ring and apologise profusely. It was a 6 year olds party not a wedding or other important event. It was very loud and my little one cried for most of it as she was scared of the noise.

OP posts:
Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 11:22

I do wonder if more is going on. Dh's mum plays favourites with siblings, plays them off against each other and stirs drama up

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 27/03/2017 11:23

I think you owe them an apology for saying you invited them when you didnt. It would upset me a lot that you lied to family about it and made them look bad for for not attending when you had invited them.

You do not owe them an apology for not inviting them, and I think that they are a little sensitive for expecting to be invited in the first place.

Falafelings · 27/03/2017 11:27

Your DH can invite them by text or email. He doesn't have to speak to them. It's not your responsibility and so maybe just tell DH he is in charge of inviting his family to stuff from now on

I would probably text an apology 'thanks for DD's gift. Sorry about our poor party organisational skills. Had intended for you to be there. I've asked DH to text you next time there's something on'

readthethread · 27/03/2017 11:29

if it's bothered you enough to post on here i probably would try and sort it.

  • give SIL a ring. explain it was a class party for a bunch of 6 year olds. you invited gps for extra pairs of hands.
  • it wasn't a family gathering. it really wasn't much fun for the adults or the baby
  • say sorry and you will of course let them know next time if it's the sort of thing they would fancy coming to.

fwiw i invited my ILs to DD1's 5th birthday party along with her whole class (she had just started school). Many parents stayed around. My sisters didn't come (don't blame them!) but all my ILs did and then moaned after that i didn't spend much time talking to them, that the food was all kids food, they didn't even see DD and that my family didn't come to socialise with them Hmm

no invites since!

Falafelings · 27/03/2017 11:30

LAy plans for DH to do future arranging. Tell everyone that's what's happening. Let DH get on with it. Tell him he is in charge of that from now on and 100% responsible

Mumzypopz · 27/03/2017 11:32

I have never invited Grandparents (on either side) to my kids parties. We have been to some where Grandparents are there but not all. Can understand people wanting to invite Grandparents but extended family?! Don't see the point. The baby is hardly going to join in. would think it a bit odd if cousins and classmates there as they more than likely won't know each other and could be awkward with aunties expecting your child to play with cousins when lots of other children there.