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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fallen out with family over dd party

100 replies

mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 10:14

Hi, I'm looking for some advice please! Recently I had a party for DD's 6th birthday. We hired a small venue and invited her classmates. A few days before the party DH asked if I had invited his sister and brother in law and their new baby (we also have a new baby). I was about to invite them but put it to the back of my mind as I spent the next few days chasing up RSVPs, putting together party bags and organising the cake. Day of the party arrived and mil wondered where they were, she asked if I had invited them..I panicked and said that I had! I feel awful! Now bro-in-law has deleted us on Facebook and has cut all contact. Tbh it was DD's class party and I wouldn't have throught to invite them anyway. We had her friends and the grandparents and that was it. I feel it's a big over reaction on their part but I feel awful that I panicked and said I sent the invite! 🙁

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/03/2017 11:46

Yeah I think this is probably about the fact that they got told off by your MIL for not coming when they were never invited in the first place, not that they were not invited. I would be fine with not being invited but the lie about it and subsequent conversations would really irritate me, especially as I would be backed into a corner.

I think you need to explain to your MIL you panicked as you forgot and try and send out an apology

grannytomine · 27/03/2017 11:47

If you didn't want to invite them yourself you should have told your husband so he could do it. Admit you got it wrong, apologise and then the ball is in their court. If you want your husband to do invites for his family then you need to make sure he understands that ie if he asks you have you invited them say you expect him to do it.

GoodDayToYou · 27/03/2017 11:48

Just to add that I think this sort of thing is quite common in the first few years of people creating new families. It takes time for everyone to adjust to the new status quo.

I would also bear in mind that whilst people here are rightly saying it's for your dh to deal with his family, it will be you that they will probably be blaming in the background. I would def recommend you send a brief, friendly text - no need to refer to any lying or lie any more - apologise for the confusion, make a vague reference to baby brain and end positively. No need for any more drama.

LucilleBluth · 27/03/2017 11:49

If it's their first baby they are probably in that kids party, new experience phase. I remember taking my little DCs to kids parties for older kids from the family.

I'm three DCs in now and I can't stand them but when it's all new it's exciting. Going NC is a bit silly but I do think you were a bit shitty and uncaring.

GwenStaceyRocks · 27/03/2017 11:49

It wasn't 'just a class party' as you invited the grandparents. Your later posts imply you didn't want DSIL and DBIL there but you weren't honest about that when your DH asked. Instead you conveniently forgot because you didn't want to invite them then lied that you had invited them. Of course, that was going to cause problems!
And that is where YABU.
It's fine to decide not to invite them but it's UR to try to frame it as a class party when it wasn't; to imply to DH you would invite them when you hadn't planned to; to lie about inviting them and then to be surprised when people are upset. You should have owned your decision not to invite them in the first place and then none of this would have happened.

halcyondays · 27/03/2017 11:51

Parties at this age are very often just for the child's own friends, not for family, their new baby wasn't going to care if they were invited or not.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 27/03/2017 11:51

Well, yes, you were wrong to lie!

But (and its a big BUT) are you sure you want to apologise to these twats? They deleted you from Facebook? How utterly ridiculous!

PinkFlamingo545 · 27/03/2017 11:57

GwenStaceyRocks completely agree.

As well, imagine the conversation between MIL and brother, she will have asked him why he didn't turn up and he will have been painted to be a liar by OP.

OP you have created this situation and now are trying to act sweet and innocent about it!

ZombieApocalips · 27/03/2017 11:58

You haven't done anything wrong apart from not telling your h to sort out his side of the family.
Your h should have told them before the party that
The venue wasn't suitable for babies.
The GP were just supervising kids.
It was just for school friends.

If anyone should be apologising. It's your h.

PinkFlamingo545 · 27/03/2017 11:59

In fact I feel sorry for the BIL as he has been attacked completely out of the blue - not only left out of what was (not a class party at all) a family event, and then painted as a liar

Paint it how you like OP but this is what the problem really is, lets stop beating about the bush

diddl · 27/03/2017 12:00

You shouldn't have lied, obviously.

Be he was asked if X & Y were invited, you said no, & he did what?

PinkFlamingo545 · 27/03/2017 12:01

Sorry, but who on earth arranges parties or events like that? That separate invites must be issued by a member of that direct family - i.e I invite my family and husband invites his family?

PinkFlamingo545 · 27/03/2017 12:03

They deleted you from Facebook? How utterly ridiculous!

Well for the sake of future family events, the OP has deleted the BIL from the family!

OnionKnight · 27/03/2017 12:04

Sorry, but who on earth arranges parties or events like that? That separate invites must be issued by a member of that direct family - i.e I invite my family and husband invites his family?

That's what I'm thinking Hmm

I get that it's his family but the OP lied and got caught out.

troodiedoo · 27/03/2017 12:07

I always used to have two parties for dd, a family one and a friends one.

You know you were wrong to lie but it's understandable during the stressful hell of a kids party put on the spot.

An apology to smooth future relations would be best I think. Don't explain or give excuses, just a sincere apology for the handling of the event.

And next year let your dh organise the whole thing Wink

Pallisers · 27/03/2017 12:08

In fact I feel sorry for the BIL as he has been attacked completely out of the blue - not only left out of what was (not a class party at all) a family event, and then painted as a liar

Left out of a family event? Painted as a liar? Do people really live their lives with this level of drama about a kid's birthday party? It must be exhausting. What happens when stuff that actually matters occurs?

OP, your husband should have invited them if he wanted them there - the problem is his to own. Anyone who cuts off contact because of a kid's play party is clearly stressed or being fed different information.

If it were me, I'd send a text to BIL and SIL saying "so sorry completely forgot to invite you - baby brain! Although to be honest you dodged a very loud bullet!" and leave it at that.

It is fascinating how many people - presumably women - think that if a woman doesn't take responsibility for managing her in-laws contact with the family, she is cutting them out or making it us and them.

ZombieApocalips · 27/03/2017 12:16

Inviting your own family is because each person often talks to their own parents/siblings more than their PIL/siblings in law.

It sounds like the mum did all the work and the dad could have done the one job.

kimann · 27/03/2017 12:20

You shouldnt have lied - is made it 10 times worse.

I do think it's an over-reaction from your in-law as though. I would get him (or you) to send message apologising for mix-up, blame it on being super busy (which is true) and leave it at there.

ThePiglet59 · 27/03/2017 12:22

I'm guessing that they have other issues. If you both have young babies, perhaps she is experiencing some jealousy and this is just an excuse to flounce.

Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 12:26

You aren't making yourself sound better in your subsequent posts.

You shouldn't have lied.

Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 12:27

Yes Zombie, I did all the work, hadn't planned to invite them but honestly did intend to text bil after hubby asked but got bogged down with the party planning. Only on the day did I get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when mil asked if I'd text them. I genuinely forgot and am surviving on roughly 3 hours sleep a night right now lol

OP posts:
Universitychallenging · 27/03/2017 12:28

How can you get so bogged down in party planning? It's a six year olds party. Or am I missing something ? (Genuinely - am old and don't get this at all)

GoodDayToYou · 27/03/2017 12:29

If you were that close with them, wouldn't they have known about it naturally from your normal, weekly conversations? I'm imagining one of you ringing the other... How are you? ... Fine thanks, just been sending out invitations / talking to the venue etc...

I'm wondering why it wasn't just known about and discussed in a natural way?

Reading between the lines, perhaps they need to accept that they're not as close as they think they are ??

ThePiglet59 · 27/03/2017 12:29

"Well for the sake of future family events, the OP has deleted the BIL from the family!"

Oh good Lord!

Original poster
mum19821985 · 27/03/2017 12:33

Well hardly. He deleted us as I originally said.

OP posts: