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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex DH organised nothing from children for Mother's Day

86 replies

RubyAndCustard · 26/03/2017 15:49

Feeling overwhelmingly upset that ex husband has done nothing regarding mother's day. My two DD (9 and 11) are with him this weekend - and was hoping for a card in the post at least. Instead at home alone looking at everyone's Facebook photos of flowers and lovely messages.

I got a text from the girls and that was it.

AIBU to feel this way, or should I just forget it? He knows darn well I will be upset - and I think it's his way of having a dig at me (which he loves to do). It's his birthday in April and I think I might get my own back (immature?) by not organising anything from the DDs for that.

OP posts:

SteppingOnToes · 26/03/2017 21:45

We did for Christmas (presents and home made cards) but she did nothing for my DP so we have decided to just leave it in future :(

ittooshallpass · 26/03/2017 21:49

I always help DD to get cards and presents for EXP, despite it never ever being reciprocated.

There are no grandparents or siblings to step in and help... yes, he's an EXP (for very good reason), but he is DDs dad. She loves him and as long as she wants to give him a birthday/ father's day/ Christmas gift I will do it.

I do it for DD; I want her to understand how important it is to show the people in your life that you care. (EXP clearly insn't going to do it!)

Moussemoose · 26/03/2017 21:52

Roomster101
"have been successful in doing that and you apparently haven't"

And you say this based on what evidence? I am talking theoretically about the way children learn. I have not referred to my own experiences as I don't think they are relevant, and to do so in a smug competitive way is exactly the behaviour I want all children and parents to avoid.

Children often learn in a two steps forward, one backwards kind of way. Children who are in a difficult emotional landscape need particular help and support. We all know children regress when stressed, adults regress when stressed! So we help them. We get over our own issues to remind children who may be struggling emotionally.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 26/03/2017 21:59

It wouldn't have killed him to say 'let's get a card for mother's day' but it's not strictly his responsibility any more. Neither is it your responsibility to help your kids get him a FD card or BD or Xmas card. He has set the ground rules here, so it wouldn't be immature to follow suit, just fair. Under the circumstances I definitely wouldn't be reminding them about his special days, or buying a card on their behalf. There's nothing to stop them drawing their own cards if they want to.

fabulous01 · 26/03/2017 22:02

Absolutely don't organise anything for him
Use it as a learning experience for both how you treat him and how you plan things for you on your special days

Roomster101 · 26/03/2017 22:11

*And you say this based on what evidence?

I said that you "apparently" haven't been successful because you seem to think that 12 year olds are not capable remembering to buy/making presents on mothers day without help. This would suggest that you hadn't taught your child by the age of 12 although it is quite possible that you don't have a child of that age or older are just lecturing on parenting 12 year olds without any experience of it.

I am talking theoretically about the way children learn. I have not referred to my own experiences as I don't think they are relevant, and to do so in a smug competitive way is exactly the behaviour I want all children and parents to avoid.

I wasn't being "smug and competitive". I was just letting you know that I don't need your lectures on how to teach my child to "understand remembering and planning make people happy" Sorry if it is the "behaviour you want all children and parents to avoid"

Madwoman5 · 27/03/2017 00:53

At nine and eleven, both kids have the skills to make you and him a card and gift. You need to remind them that this is special and something made with love means more than anything to you. Not even getting a card hurt your feelings and they need to recognise you have feelings too. Stop buying gifts from them to him for birthdays and father's day. He is not your responsibility nor you, his. Where are the grandparents in this? Mother's day, they should be with you. Father's day with him.

Isetan · 27/03/2017 02:45

I really don't get the preciousness about Mother's Day, are you seriously telling me that a card and bunch of flowers legitimises your Mothering status? I think it's really quite depressing and sad that Facebook has become a 'keeping up with the jones' portal for the show offs and the 'have nots'.

I hate Mother's/ Father/ Valentines Day with a passion because demonstrating your love and respect shouldn't be confined to one day, especially when that day is a commercial construct for the benefit of Hallmark and Interflora. However, if Mother's Day is really important to you then have the discussion with your children, use it as a teaching opportunity to remind them that they're not the only ones who like to be thought about on specific days.

SteppingOnToes · 28/03/2017 15:44

OP - do you get things for you ex from the children on Father's day, birthday and Christmas?

ProseccoBitch · 28/03/2017 15:45

Are you sure he even knew it was Mother's Day? My DP wouldn't have had a clue.

xStefx · 28/03/2017 15:49

OP, don't get him anything for fathers day/ his birthday off them

OP, ask a friend or family member to take your DC's mothers day shopping - not your ex

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