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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex DH organised nothing from children for Mother's Day

86 replies

RubyAndCustard · 26/03/2017 15:49

Feeling overwhelmingly upset that ex husband has done nothing regarding mother's day. My two DD (9 and 11) are with him this weekend - and was hoping for a card in the post at least. Instead at home alone looking at everyone's Facebook photos of flowers and lovely messages.

I got a text from the girls and that was it.

AIBU to feel this way, or should I just forget it? He knows darn well I will be upset - and I think it's his way of having a dig at me (which he loves to do). It's his birthday in April and I think I might get my own back (immature?) by not organising anything from the DDs for that.

R

OP posts:
Roomster101 · 26/03/2017 18:04

Children need to be shown how to be considerate of others. Children need to be taught how to buy presents other people like.

They can be shown that by OP suggesting they buy present for her/he family/their friends though. She doesn't need to get involved with presents for her ex. That's for his him/his family to do.

diddl · 26/03/2017 18:05

I do think that they are old enough to ask one parent to help them with something for the other tbh.

Toadinthehole · 26/03/2017 18:17

You're not his mother.

I don't organise anything for my non-ex DW the same reason.

Astro55 · 26/03/2017 19:29

I would hate to think they looked back and thought that me and their dad denied them the joy of being able to treat their mum like all their peers will be doing

Children need to be shown how to be considerate of others. Children need to be taught how to buy presents other people like

Again - it's the mothers/fathers side off the family that need to do this not ex partners -

Theresnonamesleft · 26/03/2017 19:47

Yes children need to be shown how to be considerate. But you would think at 9 and especially 11 they would already know this.
Even if the children get a small allowance they could have still made her a card with existing art stuff and bought a bar of chocolate or packet of skittles or whatever from the local shop. Something they wouldn't need hand holding for.

Moussemoose · 26/03/2017 19:54

You could demonstrate that pointing fingers and blaming others and sloughing responsibility is the way forward. Your 11 - you should do it. Your his family - you should do it. You live with him - you should do it.

The ex is a shit. Yes he is. So fucking what?

You want your children to be thoughtful, considerate adults so you hold their hand and help them. You discuss it and talk about it. You hope they want their dad to be happy so you help them. This is not about you. Your children need help, so help them.

SEsofty · 26/03/2017 19:54

Agree. They are old enough to have made cards or indeed ask their dad for money to buy flowers.

For his birthday you can remind the children a couple of weeks before and offer to give them a stamp but it should be up to them

Moussemoose · 26/03/2017 19:58

Yes it's definitely the children's fault, 9 & 11, blame them. It's their fault. Thought less little gits.

MrsLindor · 26/03/2017 20:05

My ex completely let DD down this year, 12 years in a row he's taken her shopping for Mother's Day, this year for no apparently reason he just didn't bother. She expected to see him this week and would have asked him directly but he's too busy to see her.

I suggested she should call his Mother and they sorted it out between them, I still think it was his job to help her, he's supposed to be her parent even though he doesn't live here any more, he does zero parenting and couldn't even take her to a shop and pay for a card and a small present, couldn't even give her some money to go shopping herself.

Roomster101 · 26/03/2017 20:10

My ex completely let DD down this year, 12 years in a row he's taken her shopping for Mother's Day, this year for no apparently reason he just didn't bother.

Perhaps the reason will be that she is 12 and he thought her quite capable of going shopping for a present herself. As most 12 year olds are it is hardly an outrageous assumption. Does she not get pocket money?

golfbuggy · 26/03/2017 20:11

I agree that at 9 and 11 they should have sorted something themselves. My DH gave up doing anything for Mothers' Days/birthdays well before that age. Maybe they will come home with something?

oblada · 26/03/2017 20:11

Why do kids need to 'buy' something for mothers day? Handmade stuff are the best and at 9 and 11 it is completely within their power to do something! I agree that the ex has no role to play in that unless he went out of his way to stop them calling you/making you sth etc.

Moussemoose · 26/03/2017 20:19

Yes it is the children's fault. Blame them.

228agreenend · 26/03/2017 20:20

I don't think it's up,to,the ex to arrange something.

In the future, why don't you give them some extra money to buy you something.

MrsLindor · 26/03/2017 20:24

Roomster101 I guarantee no such thought entered his head, he was just trying to get at me and in the process upset his daughter, but you clearly think that's absolutely fine because she's 12.

Leanin15yearsmaybe · 26/03/2017 20:32

I wouldn't want my ex to bother tbh. First year we split he asked my mum to make sure she bought me a card from the kids then proceeded to send me links to the £50 game he wanted for Father's Day. Erm no! We can all do without until they are old enough to decide to buy something themselves, should they wish to!

elodie2000 · 26/03/2017 20:35

I can't believe you arrange birthday / Father's Day cards & presents! What are you doing?! His own family (mother, Father, siblings) can help your DC's if they feel it's important. Or your DC's can make a card themselves.
Same principle applies to Mother's Day, that's not his job! He's your EX!

blackteasplease · 26/03/2017 20:38

I wouldnt expect an ex to do anything, only a current partner.

Plus i think your girls are old enough to do their own thing.

YettiLegs11 · 26/03/2017 20:42

I have two kids aged 11 and 8, I split with my husband just before Christmas. I bought stuff for the girls to give to him. I got nothing in return not even a thank you. Nothing for my birthday and no surprise nothing for Mother's Day but he has always been nasty and spiteful so I didn't expect anything.

My kids would' think to get me anything. They made cards in school and I took them to Asda a couple of days ago and gave them £2.50 to buy me a little gift. I have opened a shoe box this morning full of bags of sweets and chocolate bars all individually wrapped. They loved doing it x

Justanothernameonthepage · 26/03/2017 20:47

I think he's very clearly signaling that he doesn't believe that you should be organising anything for each other now you're not together. If your kids ask for help with making/buying card/present, then do it for them. Otherwise teach them that respect goes both ways and that if they aren't considered by someone, they don't have to consider them in turn.

Roomster101 · 26/03/2017 21:01

Roomster101 I guarantee no such thought entered his head, he was just trying to get at me and in the process upset his daughter, but you clearly think that's absolutely fine because she's 12

It didn't say that it was okay for her to be upset because she is 12.Hmm I said that it was okay to assume that she would organise a card/present herself if she is 12. If she is upset that she didn't give you anything for mothers's day why on earth didn't she? Even if she didn't have any money or chance to visit the shop she could have made you something.

Moussemoose · 26/03/2017 21:25

Roomster101
"If she is upset that she didn't give you anything for mothers's day why on earth didn't she?"

Because she is 12! Twelve year olds make mistakes, they forget things, so we help them because we are their parents and we love them! That's how children learn, we tell them, they forget, we remind them. We could turn round and say " feel bad cos you forgot mothers day, well that's your own fault because you are 12"

Or we could help our children understand that remembering and planning make people happy. We do these things for our children so they don't turn into adults who would be spiteful enough to play games with Mother's Day.

blackteasplease · 26/03/2017 21:32

I only mean making a card btw.

Ojoj1974 · 26/03/2017 21:37

I have to agree with some of these posts, he's an ex for a reason...
I'm sad that the children weren't with you for Mothers Day. Would have been nice to swap weekends x

Roomster101 · 26/03/2017 21:42

Because she is 12! Twelve year olds make mistakes, they forget things, so we help them because we are their parents and we love them! That's how children learn, we tell them, they forget, we remind them. We could turn round and say " feel bad cos you forgot mothers day, well that's your own fault because you are 12"

I have a 12-year-old and it just isn't something she would forget - there are plenty of reminders everywhere at this time of year and she is perfectly capable of going to the shops and buying or making a card/present. I find it quite ironic that you are lecturing me on how to parent a child so that they "understand remembering and planning make people happy" when I have been successful in doing that and you apparently haven't!

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