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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is bad parenting?

80 replies

AngelThursday · 26/03/2017 13:08

Child aged about 5 in shop creating because he wants to be bought a toy cat he has seen. Dad says no. Boy makes more fuss. Dad stays calm and repeats no, you've got such and such toy at home that's similar. Boy shouts that he hates the toy at home. Dad takes boy out of shop.

Then the Mum goes back into the shop and buys it for him! Says to the assistant it's not worth the hassle.
In my opinion, not only has she undermined the father she's taught her son that if he makes enough fuss he gets his own way!
And then when she gives him the toy he doesn't even say thank you! Was so tempted to say something but managed to control myself as I know it's none of my business.
Call me old fashioned but I really don't think this is the way to bring up children!

OP posts:
PortiaCastis · 26/03/2017 16:48

I wouldn't poke my nose into other folks business because one never knows someone elses story

GreenRut · 26/03/2017 16:52

I genuinely wouldn't have flinched, much less watched the dynamic and worked out the mum undermined the dad? Who cares? Bad parenting? Not really. Different to your parenting, sounds like it.

Newmother8668 · 26/03/2017 19:09

Lol! I just find it funny parenting, but oh well. Everyone does their own thing. Now my own son? He knows I'd buy the thing and then light it on fire in the parking lot if he did anything like that, but then other parents think I'm too strict. Everyone has their own way. I see what you mean, but then parenting is such a judgemental thing anyway. However, it's one of my worst traits: I'm a judgemental jerk anyway.

dayswithaY · 26/03/2017 19:18

I have a friend who treated her son like this. Never said no, gave him what he wanted all the time to stop him having a tantrum. I said nothing but thought she would pay for that later when he's a teenage nightmare. He's 16 now and a polite, pleasant, hard working boy. No harm done, and I'm wishing I'd done the same with my children instead of doing things the hard way.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/03/2017 19:19

IMO she undermined the child's dad and undid all his hard work in teaching his child to behave. Very poor on her part.

PortiaCastis · 26/03/2017 19:20

Her child do she does what she wants

PiesDescalzos · 26/03/2017 19:37

There is no such thing as a perfect parent and I think we all know that.

Every parent here has done something at some point in time, big or small, that would be questionable to another and be judged. Whether it's losing your temper with them, feeding them gluten, using disposable nappies, using plastic bowls in the microwave to heat their food, or not teaching them the correct way to recycle...the list is endless. Somebody will always have an opinion on your methods of raising children. You might think setting rules and not giving in to tantrums is more important, but another parent may feel not feeding their child harmful foods that (they believe) cause cancer is more important. Who is right? Neither.

Nobody is an exception to the above either. Nobody. Not even you op. We've all done something judge-worthy.

Love your children, teach them the basic difference between right and wrong, show them how to be kind to one another, and how to contribute to the world. These are the things that matter.

If I saw actual neglectful parenting I would be concerned and yes I would judge. Otherwise I would just go about my business.

Porpoiselife · 26/03/2017 20:39

Very poor undermining the dad. The kid will no doubt grow up as one of those entitled little darlings still tantruming at 4 years old, if they don't get what they want but up to her.

An old friend was like this, she gave in all the time until it got to the point she couldn't go in a shop without having to buy the kid something otherwise she would kick off. Every single shop, every single time. Her dd is 18 now and treats her mother like shit.

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 26/03/2017 20:57

Why do women constantly feel the need to judge others?

Yes undermining the dad was very very bad etc, but you don't know the whole situation, you don't understand what else could have happened that day!

But it's fine, you helped them by writing a thread, good job Hmm

MaisyPops · 26/03/2017 21:01

Anyone who says they dont ever judge or side eye is just lying. Simple.

Id have side eyed the mam for that (but wouldnt say anything obviously), just like i side eye people standing in hospital gowns smoking, people ordering salads and then stealimg chips from their DH/DP.

It doesnt mean i think im perfect. Hell, im sure ive done some judgeworthy things.

ShowMeWhatYouGot · 26/03/2017 21:03

Yes of course, judging is human nature, but writing a thread bashing the mother is slightly different to just judging in my opinion.

Dontactlikeyouknowme · 26/03/2017 21:06

I'd have been tempted to poke your side eye out.

PortiaCastis · 26/03/2017 21:07

We are none of us perfect are we?

Dontactlikeyouknowme · 26/03/2017 21:10

Nope. But I'm sure the judging of the mother in the op is making some on this thread feel better about their own parenting fails.

PortiaCastis · 26/03/2017 21:15

I'm not judging I think OP should keep her beak out as she doesn't know the Mum's story

Sample1936 · 26/03/2017 21:18

You don't know the whole story and why were you being so nosey and then posting a thread about it, too? You're right mind your fucking business.

Sample1936 · 26/03/2017 21:19

Because you're such a perfect parent. Sure.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 26/03/2017 22:47

Why are people going mad at OP? No one who posts on here knows all the facts about ANY situation yet we all give our opinions regardless.

MaisyPops · 26/03/2017 23:31

Dontactlikeyouknowme
Are you seriously telling me that you go through life any never see things and have a mini-judge/what the hell moment?

Its not about people judging to feel better about their own fails (already said therell be things ive done where people might have lookes and thought 'what the hell?'). Im also not saying that I would be as irate as the OP as they seem to feel oddly strong about a situation that isnt their business. But i think its perfectly natural to judge/side eye things, just most people keep them in their head, dont share them or write threads about them.

Notcontent · 26/03/2017 23:45

A previous poster said something very wise - children of reasonable parents usually turn out reasonable.

I think as parents we try to set boundaries - but sometimes it's ok to break rules.

MrsJayy · 26/03/2017 23:48

I would tut and judge that quietly obviously but maybe it isnt worth the whinging but rod and own back comes to mind

LouKout · 27/03/2017 12:09

People should seriously try to avoid "side eyeing" and tutting.

You cant ever know the story..and you can't imagine how many judgy looks people with kids with autism get. Its totally unfair. Life would be easier if people kept their judginess within

MaisyPops · 27/03/2017 17:38

People should seriously try to avoid "side eyeing" and tutting.
In a perfect world, yes. But the fact is most people do. Personally, acknowledging that we all do it is much better than pretending to be some kind of holier than thou person

E.g. I find myself eyerolling in my head when I see kids kicking off. Its thought process when im out and about like 'i have stuff to do so could do without kids kicking off in the queue'. I'd not judge and say that person is an awful parent ro anything like that though.
I equally get irritated with people using their phones at shop counters, but i dont judge them to be terrible, rude people (even if i think they should put it down for 5 seconds)
Theres side eyes/mini judgeypants moments and theres taking it upon yourself to make massive sweepung judgements about someone

waterrat · 27/03/2017 17:48

How sad to judge others like this. I hope I would always be sympathetic that someday it is harder than others to be the perfect parent

I have definitely been weak and given my kids stuff to stop them crying on many ocassions.

How marvellous for you if you have always been Perfect but given you have no idea of what was going on for that family why not stop judging them.

LouKout · 27/03/2017 17:48

Well do it in your head not outwardly. That would be nice.