AIBU to think this is bad parenting?

[AngelThursday]

Child aged about 5 in shop creating because he wants to be bought a toy cat he has seen. Dad says no. Boy makes more fuss. Dad stays calm and repeats no, you've got such and such toy at home that's similar. Boy shouts that he hates the toy at home. Dad takes boy out of shop.

Then the Mum goes back into the shop and buys it for him! Says to the assistant it's not worth the hassle.
In my opinion, not only has she undermined the father she's taught her son that if he makes enough fuss he gets his own way!
And then when she gives him the toy he doesn't even say thank you! Was so tempted to say something but managed to control myself as I know it's none of my business.
Call me old fashioned but I really don't think this is the way to bring up children!

ElQuinto, don't worry. I have never seen anything more than the odd raised eyebrow, if that.

OP, of course it was poor parenting. The Mum undermined the Dad when no should absolutely have meant no and been final.

As for just managing to control yourself though, surely you weren't even remotely considering wading into another family's argument. I wouldn't have even been tempted to do that. I would just have been relieved that my own children were not the ones causing the scene. Indeed, I am relieved that at the ages of 21, 18 and 14 they are self-sufficient and well beyond the exhausting small child phase.

YANBU

However I pretty much did similar yesterday. We were out with DD (11) in a different town which we never normally visit. Wandering about the shops before going to an event. Popped into the Entertainer for a browse, told DD she wasn't having anything, we were just killing time.

Then spotted a Lego set she asked for at Christmas but was no longer being made by Lego. It wasn't available anywhere except Amazon at stupid money. So we bought it. Even though she didn't ask for it.

So from saying we aren't buying you anything we spent £60 on Lego.

She was very grateful though and absolutely over the moon at finally getting the much wanted set.

YANBU but I'll give the mother the benefit of the doubt and assume the family was on their way to visit someone in hospital, or a particularly judgy relative, or some other place where a stroppy five year old could be a real problem.

Not worth the effort of a thread

reminds me of the Jizanthapus bit Louis CK does:

"I hate his mother because you hate a weak parent when you're a parent because it's like you're raising Hitler, motherfucker, do your job! Get in there! If our parent group in our class were a platoon of soldiers, we'd be the ones that would put soap bars in socks and we'd frag that bitch in her sleep. She would wash right the fuck out."

Just did this with my kids recently. They were going through a gift shop to activity park & wanted a toy. They chose, we bought, then they panicked changed their minds so I bought them the second ones & put the first ones in the to be given away box (once home obviously)

They have asd, social anxiety, & other disabilities. We had free access to activity bc of disability so cheap cudeley cost less than my friends paying entry. & for us it wasn't worth the hastle. They get so wound up & anxious & a new cuddley distracts/sooths them enough to get them into a v positive activity for them, that builds good memory's to offset many of the bad ones from recent breakdowns. If 'spoiling' them facilitates access to opportunitys they can't normally access I'm all for it, don't care what that looks like to onlookers, & am just grateful something, anything gives my kids a chance to cope with things 'normal' kids can do easily.

Will much prefer life when they are old enough to try & use psychological coping mechanisms, but until then we will have beds full of random cuddlies we have 'given into'.

But atleast dh is on same page as me. As our hcp.

Sometimes I'm a no means no but other times I'm willing to bend or compromise according to circumstance which might look shit to other parents. But they don't know our complicated backstory. And if they poked their nose in I would give them a piece of my mind.

Very close friends of ours are both professionals, work long hours, often travel with work and have a nanny/housekeeper. Their youngest was the most spoilt, demanding child I've encountered. They simply didn't have the time to deal with tantrums when their time with the child was so limited. Their issue/their way of raising their children (though their oldest didn't behave in this way), but it was our problem when we were all holidaying together and we were saying no to our children (as were another family on holiday with us). However, our friends were very generous with our children when indulging their own!

All things being equal, it isn't ideal. However, all things may not be equal.

Maybe the mum had already told the child he could have the toy and the dad didn't know.

Maybe the mum/child is having a bad time and they don't have the energy to stand their ground.

Maybe the child has a SN and so can't understand/cope with what is happening.

Who knows

Youd love seeing me wirh my DD in supermarket. She is tall and 10 and kicks off for food. Which I give her as she is just learning how to manage supermarket.

I think you having to manage to control yourself is a bigger issue.

Hate other people's comments on other parents parenting, in certain situations we all give in, been there done that.
I hate saying no to my dc sometimes I know I have to, but that my choice, certainly not for a complete stranger to comment on.
Everything I do is for my kids does that make me a bad mother !!!!!!

The worse thing about MN is the judging of other mothers.

No one's perfect and some people have far more do deal with than others.

I don't think it was bad parenting. I think it was her way of parenting.

The Mum might be "picking her battles", or there may be a number of other reasons why Dad had got it wrong.

As for you "being tempted to say something", there's obviously something gone wrong with a part of your upbringing, if you think it's acceptable to butt into a strangers business.

As for "we all judge", life teaches you that there can be loads of reasons for some happenings, so you get to a point where you rarely judge. That doesn't mean that you don't respond (if dangerous etc), but you don't convince yourself that you know the full circumstances.

Everyone on here likes to think that have parenting down to a fine art.

You don't, you will make mistakes,you will give in when you cba with another battle. That's parenting.

she's taught her son that if he makes enough fuss he gets his own way!

may be an annoying trait in a child, but probably pushing for what you want and perseverance are good life skills.

Unfortunately we were not with the parents all day,perhaps the child may have sen,maybe had spent all day having meltdowns,we do not know. it could be that dad is always meanand never buys the child anything, Or maybe it is just bad parenting, but we will never know.

Maybe the mum told him she wouldn't get it for him because it was so similar to another toy he had but he could buy it with money from his piggy bank if he wanted to waste his own money? You don't know what went on. Even if she did 'give in' so what? I inwardly tut at parenting all day long. Parents who force their kids to wear coats when they say they're warm. Parents who won't let their kids climb trees because it's too dangerous. Parents who won't let their kids get dirty. Parents who let their 1 yr olds play on an Ipad. Parents who think teaching kids to share means making them give other kids whatever they want whenever they want it. Parents who congratulate their kids for eating lots of food or cajole them to eat more when they don't think they've has enough. Parents who don't let older kids play outside. Parents who laugh at toddlers being upset about trivial things etc etc. People parent differently. And sometimes people do things they wouldn't ordinarily do when they are in a stressful situation.

It could be bad parenting. But it might not be. I wouldn't judge, myself.

Once you've found strategies to navigate gift shops with a pre-verbal autistic 5 year old without buying anything, THEN you can start judging other people for "giving in" to their child.

In case it's helpful to anyone reading this thread and feeling compassion for and kinship with the poor woman, rather than judging smugly, here are some strategies for that situation that I have come across:

• stay in the gift shop playing with the toys in situ for anything up to 2 hours until they have lost their immediate appeal (only works when child in question doesn't have siblings, really. Also, is not 100% secure - the attachment to the toy can grow with extended try-out time)
• don't go to public places whose exit is blocked by a gift shop, where you might be judged by people who have no clue what challenges you and your family face on a daily basis
• buy the toy. watch it be played with for hundreds of hours, along with the other toys that they have acquired on similar trips.
• always carry about 10 toys of the currently adored style in your bag, bought at charity shops for peanuts, and pull them out at such crisis moments
• bribe with chocolate or icecream. It works sometimes.
• do a bum's-rush through the gift shop. Bide your time outside until you can see that the way through is pretty much clear, pick up the child and RUN Through (you'll still get judgy looks from the same smug bastards seeing you careening through dangerously, but at least you'll have saved £6.99)

If all of this sounds alien to you, then, with the greatest respect, maybe you are not surrounding yourself with a sufficiently neuro-diverse group of friends. I think it's something like 1 in 70 now being diagnosed with autism. That's probably one or two in your child's school year. If you aren't being friends with his/her mum, and supporting her through the difficult years, who is?

You will all hate me then as i have given in and so has my husband. More times thatn we probably should have
But sometimes i
You cant cope, you are exhausted, or child is ill. There may be an underlying stress that the public does not know about. Not your child, not your money, not your problem! Saying that i wouldnt take a child into a toy shop unless we were ready to buy something. Not many kids want to browse the toys and not receive something. Its almost teasing them

YANBU - I would go nuts if husband did this to me. Its teaching the child that his mother will give into everything and his father's word means nothing. You both need to stand firm together against tantrums especially shop tantrums!!

Jesus I've done that and my kids grew up to be decent human beings. Stop judging