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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask what happens if you really just can't cope (could be sensitive)

27 replies

shelliecat · 26/03/2017 11:54

It's kind of hypothetical. But if you just could not do it, if you couldn't manage financially or emotionally with children. What would happen?

Can you place your own children up for adoption voluntarily? I am honestly just wondering.

OP posts:

Ginkypig · 26/03/2017 12:05

Well yes you can, but noone wants to see family breakdowns unless there isn't any other healthy option.

What would likely happen though is ss would try helping you first so you could cope and refer you on to organisations that help with your particular set of difficulties, finances, mental health, emotional support etc.

Then after working with you as a family for a while if it's still an option they would look at voluntary foster care (hopefully as a temporary measure) and if all else fails then voluntary adoption may be looked at. They really don't want things to get this far though.

Are you ok shelliecat?

Original poster

shelliecat · 26/03/2017 12:06

I want my husband out but I know I can't cope alone. It's hard. Feel like whatever I do will be wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

shelliecat · 26/03/2017 12:06

Sorry thanks for replying. That was just rude I didn't even acknowledge your post

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 26/03/2017 12:06

Do you want to write a bit more about what's happening shellie?
It sounds as though your at your wits end.

Ginkypig · 26/03/2017 12:12

Without knowing more, I would take a bet that actually if you had to you could cope alone

reasons that you don't need to talk about if your not ready but I'm going to post a link which you might not need but just incase ok.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody/AllOnOnePage#14219935

Ginkypig · 26/03/2017 12:13

Don't worry about that shelliecat just focus on anything you want to say ok.

Original poster

shelliecat · 26/03/2017 12:15

I guess but if you can't cope. I suppose its not for long they are small? It's hard though. He's announced we are moving, he didn't even talk to me about it.

OP posts:

JonesyAndTheSalad · 26/03/2017 12:19

You don't have to move OP. You need to explain more about your situation.

Original poster

shelliecat · 26/03/2017 12:26

It's hard I don't know what to say. He's got an amazing job but it's 300 miles away and he didn't even talk to me, I think if he had, I'd have been fine about going but the fact he didn't even talk to me about it shows he thinks he can just do what he wants and I don't matter I'm like a bag that will go with you wherever. I feel like if I go with him I will always be just an accessory and I'm a person. But if I don't it's me and 2 young young children and I've no help at all.

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 26/03/2017 12:31

Just don't go! What can he do?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 26/03/2017 12:35

You will cope, try & get out of the mindset that you wont.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to, including moving for his fantastic job.

CoolCarrie · 26/03/2017 12:36

Ffs he has announced" we are moving, " without any discussion! what an arse!

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 26/03/2017 12:40

Has he always been unreasonable? Has he treated you badly? Only you know if it's worth staying with him, but a lot of us have left our partners with absolutely nothing to call our own except for our DC, and we're still here. There is plenty of help and support available, as Ginkypig said above.

Babyroobs · 26/03/2017 12:52

if you split and became a lone parent then you would get help from benefits ( assuming your income is low enough). You would also get child maintainance from your husband. You may have to make a lot of cutbacks/ changes/ move house but you would cope. I think you would also cope emotionally because you have to really. You would find new support networks hopefully, team up with other lone parents etc. How old are your kids?

Mummydummy · 26/03/2017 12:54

My sympathies OP. That's a horrible situation. you deserve respect and equal say in your family's future.

But I don't know why you feel you couldn't cope on your own. Has your relationship ground down your self belief and esteem? Because there's no reason you cant cope on your own - so many women do despite struggling sometimes with money and emotions. Your DCs can give you amazing strength and purpose and as they grow up are much less exhausting.

I've been on my own for nearly 10 years - work full time with 2DCs. I'm not superwoman. I'm sure you could manage very well, but it needs determination and bravery - but much better than feeling like a piece of baggage - and a great example to your kids.

Original poster

shelliecat · 26/03/2017 12:59

I guess because I don't have any help. Not my own parents or anything to help me out. I don't know anyone who does it all with no help. I know single parents but they do have someone they can turn to for support.

OP posts:

lucyandpoppy123 · 26/03/2017 13:11

💐 hugs shellie I think if you do give your children to social services they look to place them within the family if that's possible so with their grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. I think they can also foster them short-term. But if you needed to look after them as a single parent there are benefits and also your OH would have to pay child support towards them as well.

PensPencilsAndRulers · 26/03/2017 13:12

I know single parents who have no help.
I won't deny that it's hard at time but they aren't little for long and it gets so much easier when they're a little older.
One of my friends who's a single parent has made friends with two other single mums (in same boat with no family to help out) and between them they will babysit and meet up and generally help one another out. They met through school when the children were 3/4 so even if you don't know any other single parents now chances are you will meet some when your children are older and start school.

PensPencilsAndRulers · 26/03/2017 13:15

Also my own mum brought me and my siblings up on her own. She had a little bit of help from her own mum (but not much) but did most of it herself. She did a great job and we're very close. As a parent myself I can see how hard it must've been to do it all alone and I am so appreciative of her.

gamerchick · 26/03/2017 13:15

Or they can go with their dad.

It sounds like you're overwhelmed OP. You would probably cope a lot better than you think you would.

Break it down into little bits and process one thing at a time. It might help.

Original poster

shelliecat · 26/03/2017 13:17

Maybe it's where I live but families seem quite close knit. I don't know anyone who lives more than say 20 miles or so from their own mum and that would be considered far away. And Ive really tried to meet people. There's just no way really.

OP posts:

PensPencilsAndRulers · 26/03/2017 13:44

How old are your children? I didn't meet any fellow 'mum' friends until they were at school/going to activities. I've met some lovely friends through the dc, in fact met my best friend through having children in the same class.

notcreative23 · 26/03/2017 15:36

I've sent you a PM :)

Mummydummy · 27/03/2017 00:14

OP, I really had no help from family or parents or anyone. I do have good friends I could take things through with though - do you have people in RL you can just talk to about this situation? You need some moral/emotional support. Once your DCs are at school you can build up quite a community of other mothers who do offer to share and help each other out.

I know it all sounds overwhelming at the moment but think it through one small step at a time. And decide what you want.... not what you feel pressured into doing.

Sunshineandlaughter · 27/03/2017 00:27

If he's acting like this then I think your life without him would be easier to cope - one less child to look after!
You'll be more in control and that will make it all easier.
The court will award you financial help.
Your children will get some free hours of childcare when they turn 2/3
You'll have to hire a cleaner even if you can't afford it
You'll be ok. Really.

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