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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mansplaining

314 replies

Featherstickers · 26/03/2017 08:54

Is it a thing? Or another media cliché?

I believe Dh is a huuuuuge mansplainer and I find it frustrating infuriating at times.

AIBU to ask if it's a real thing and how to cope with it to protect my sanity.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
fernanie · 26/03/2017 10:23

I hate the term "mansplaining", and was pretty disappointed by how eagerly feminism embraced it. It just doesn't seem in keeping with the idea of gender equality to name a person's actions according to their gender, or to invent a derogatory verb for a basically universal action but only ever apply it to one gender.
And no, I'm not an MRA. I'm proud of my feminist beliefs; I just don't believe in jumping blindly on every bandwagon that happens to be driven by a fellow feminist.

Cartright · 26/03/2017 10:25

I've had my subject explained to me on numerous occasions and its always men who have done it. I have worked in the field, I have published peer-reviewed articles on the subject, I am undertaking research in the area, I lecture at MSc level on the subject. All of which they know. When pressed to cite their sources, it's always something like they've read a two-page summary in a magazine once.

I cannot imagine ever imagining that I was just so amazing that my profound insights on a subject I had read for less than five minutes would justify me talking over someone who had years of experience in the subject. But there you go. I note they don't seem feel compelled to act the same way to men.

fernanie · 26/03/2017 10:26

(Full disclosure - my post above is motivated largely by my awareness that I'm a chronic "mansplainer" as anyone familiar with my posts might be aware Blush - even though I'm a woman! Hate that a (admittedly not very nice) characteristic I possess is seen as such a male trait Angry)

SookiesSocks · 26/03/2017 10:26

Dont you think it exists?

BMacklin · 26/03/2017 10:29

I think Gabilan has it right. If it's something he wouldn't say to his male friends then it's mansplaining.

Funnily enough I had this yesterday. Husband was borrowing a circular saw from a friend and proceeded to explain what one was. I worked in construction, on site, for 10 years. He would never have said that to his mates. When I said I knew what one was he told me I was thinking of a band saw! Cheek! I simply said "no I'm not" and walked away.

GreenRut · 26/03/2017 10:29

Yes it's a thing. There's a guy at work who, in a meeting recently, after EVERYTHING I said jumped in before the intended recipients responded to 'put it another way' to 'reframe it' to ask them to 'think of it like THIS'. It was the first time I'd had it done so overtly, I was rather bemused particularly as he ended up each time just repeating what I'd said. Twat.

Crashbangwhatausername · 26/03/2017 10:31

A close friends dh does this, in fairness he does it to men also but it's incredibly tedious to have everything explained by a self proclaimed expert. It really is frustrating when he explains your own field of expertise to you, gets it wrong and won't back down on a point. His dwife is lovely but exacerbates the problem by believing every wrong word he says

Grilledaubergines · 26/03/2017 10:36

Hate this term. It's patronising, plain and simple and anyone can be guilty of it, not just men.

Lweji · 26/03/2017 10:43

This reminds me of my, usually lovely BIL, mainsplaining basketball to me yesterday. I didn't ask any questions. He explained some things I already knew. And seemed not to notice my totally tongue in cheek "Oh, really? I never knew that."

I'll invite him to DS's football match next and explain the off side rule to him. Wink

Maybe you should explain things back to him as if he had never given you the information. Grin

Lessthanaballpark · 26/03/2017 10:45

"It just doesn't seem in keeping with the idea of gender equality to name a person's actions according to their gender"

Actually I do know a few women who do this. Not in an explainy way but in a "tell it like it is" way. A couple of them just will not shut the fuck up talking about themselves and and the other one gives me unsolicited advice under the guise of "helping".

Interestingly they all subscribe to the patriarchal worldview that women need to look good for men (but not vice versa) and that men are buffoons so women have to take care of all housework. And probably feel they have to correct my egalitarian hippified pie in the sky ways!

I love ignoring them.

Olympiathequeen · 26/03/2017 10:47

I guess if it's done in a patronising way it would be infuriating, but if it was trying to help you understand the internal workings of the combustion engine in a helpful way, not so bad. We are all guilty of oversplaining things.

Lweji · 26/03/2017 10:55

He isn't patronising when he manslains more like going into vast detail, and branching out giving me the whole freaking 360 picture, when a simple answer would suffice.

Are you Michelle Obama? Grin

Lessthanaballpark · 26/03/2017 10:56

It's interesting that so many posts have pointed out this happens despite them being experts in the subject. I feel like there's this pressure on women to prove themselves, to be better at something than men in order to get the same level of respect. To be worthy of being listened to,

When really we should be able to be as imperfect as men and still get the same level of respect that imperfect men get.

Original poster
Featherstickers · 26/03/2017 11:08

"Are you Michelle Obama?" i wish

embarrassingly didn't get the joke, maybe I am inviting mansplaining and am not as clued in as I'd like to believe Blush

OP posts:
Cartright · 26/03/2017 11:11

It's not even that, unfortunately, in my experience Lessthanaballpark because I have proved myself to be more knowledgeable - when I'm at the stage of writing academic papers on the subject, and lecturing on it, and the men trying to explain to me have never read an academic paper, or attended a lecture on it, then I do, objectively, know more about it than them. But that doesn't seem to register - it's not equal respect, it's no respect. Apparently I can't possibly know what I'm talking about.

And since they don't do this to other men, even men who have less experience than me in the field, I have to assume they believe they know more than me by virtue of the fact that I'm a woman and they're a man.

SeekingSugar · 26/03/2017 11:15

Mansplaining is rife in my family. Even my nephew does it to me 🙄

Original poster
Featherstickers · 26/03/2017 11:18

My older brother does this too but he is defiantly patronising and an overt sexist/

OP posts:
Lessthanaballpark · 26/03/2017 11:22

Cartright well that is certainly crap and i wish i coukd clip those eejits aroubd the ear for you. In my life I feel like it's become a self fulfilling prophecy in that there is no point me becoming an expert in anything as no one will respect you for it anyway. Very defeatist I know so I really admire you for flying the flag and cracking on at what you do.

featherstickers don't worry I didn't get the joke either Blush and I mentally blanked out the possibility that lovely Obama is a mansplainer. That would be too much to bear.

Lweji · 26/03/2017 11:26

According to Michelle, they don't discuss issues at meals because Barack does the same as your OH:
"more like going into vast detail, and branching out giving me the whole freaking 360 picture, when a simple answer would suffice."

SuffolkingGrand · 26/03/2017 11:27

My DH took the time the other day to very kindly explain to me in lots of detail all about the benefits of breastfeeding, how to do it and how to overcome any difficulties which I might encounter.

I should add that not only had I BFd twins for seven months a few years previously I was also BFing our 7 month old at the time.

It was also 3am and the fucker then just rolled over and went back to sleep, leaving me to dwell on his worldly advice.

Angry
Lweji · 26/03/2017 11:27

As in:
There are 3 points about that issue. Point 1.... point 1a, point 1ai...
And so on. :)

Trills · 26/03/2017 11:29

It's not possible to say "would you talk like that to a man?" or "are you talking to me like that because I'm a woman?" and expect to get a useful response.

People are not good at assessing the reasons for their actions.

Original poster
Featherstickers · 26/03/2017 11:30

Lweji that's very funny, did she really say that?

Great minds think alike and marry similar types of husbands. I might, if I feel kind and in a flattering mood, tell DH about the Obamas, though I suppose he would then never even attempt to try and curb it.

OP posts:
Trills · 26/03/2017 11:30

we should be able to be as imperfect as men and still get the same level of respect that imperfect men get.

Wouldn't that be lovely?

5moreminutes · 26/03/2017 11:32

Lessthanaballpark

I feel like there's this pressure on women to prove themselves, to be better at something than men in order to get the same level of respect. To be worthy of being listened to,

When really we should be able to be as imperfect as men and still get the same level of respect that imperfect men get.

This 100%

I frequently read threads where the OP is annoyed at a party invite or activity day which reads something like "There will be crafts for the girls and football for the boys!" and the OP has a boy who would rather do crafts or a girl who would rather do football

A series of people always post "well if your DD is really good at football the boys will see she can play and let her" (or vice versa with the craft)

But why does the girl have to be better than all the boys to play football, or the boy exceptionally talented in order not to be mocked for choosing crafts, when boys who are mediocre at football are accepted and girls who are mediocre at craft are?

Nobody ever answers that question...