Told I should be dating even though I have a 15m old son?

[Marmalade85]

Totally prepared to get flamed but I am shocked by the number of mothers with young DCs that jump into relationships almost straight after a break up.

How do you know these men aren't targeting you for being a single mother? How do you know they aren't child abusers? How do you know the relationship will last?

I'm speaking as a single mother with a toddler, I've been single for 7 months and wouldn't dream of a relationship for several years yet I've been told to get back out there. AIBU?

[Marmalade85]

*your child

[SookiesSocks]

Do you believe your attitude is healthy OP?

[whatsfair]

I understand op. I'm married, never been in an abusive relationship so no trauma to speak of. If dh died or we broke up, I wouldn't date til my dc were adults. I wouldn't judge anyone else's decisions, but I wouldn't do it myself.

Leaving to one side the 'risk' element, which a lot of people find hard to understand possibly they're just more open and trusting of people I just wouldn't want to compromise any of my time and focus on my kids. I certainly would never move in with someone who wasn't their father, so not sure there would be much point in a relationship until they leave home anyway.

Each to their own, people are different, as long as you respect their right to make alternative decisions to you. for the crap you obviously went through with your ex.

[Marmalade85]

I disagree pass it is entirely comprising your child's safety by bringing strange men into their lives. You're much more likely to be attacked or abused by someone you already know.

[kimann]

OP: AIBU?
Most people: YABU
OP: however......

OP - stop being so judgey! Just because you don't trust men it categorically does not mean all men are shitheads like your ex! You have such an unhealthy attitude, it's bizarre! Don't date if you don't want to - leave the ones who want to date be!

[chocdonutyy]

There's also the element if childcare or lack of.
If you're lucky enough to have regular babysitters in the form of the other parent/grandparents/friends then that's great but for some the only time alone is when your child is at nursery/school or asleep!
Trying to date in this scenario is a hell of a lot more difficult and for me i just didnt bother!
Maybe I'll meet someone new, maybe not but I'm perfectly happy in my own company and that is the important thing.

[NoCapes]

You're deliberately missing the point and being a massive GF now Op - I'm out!

[PlymouthMaid1]

I stayed single for seven years as I didn't want various men drifting through our lives and lack of babysitters would have made it very hard to see anyone much outside the home.

[BanginChoons]

I don't date because I too have had an abusive relationship and the thought of letting any man any where near my life makes me hyperventilate.

I do, however, realise that this is not a normal way to be and is a result of my past. I accept that and I'm happy with my (probably permanently) single life. But whatever someone else does is up to them and is absolutely none of my business, or yours.

[passmethewineplease]

Hmm but there's plenty of biological parents that abuse their children as well isn't there?

[passmethewineplease]

People are going on like different men are being introduced to the kids every weekend.

It's really not the case for the majority of single parents.

[Majorgoodwinschickenbeatstrump]

I feel the same way OP but don't give a monkeys about other people and who they date- I'm mostly happy single (it's be good to have someone I can talk to sometimes, I have very fleeting moments of loneliness). If others find it easy to date in their shoes then good for them!

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

It doesn't matter what anyone says if you have just come out of a toxic relationship then your view of relationships is damaged by your experience op. I am sorry you must have had a hard time. Do you blame yourself? You shouldn't.

If you were child free you would still view the prospect of a new relationship with distrust but you wouldn't have a convenient reason to avoid starting one. My mum was widowed with 3 children we are all very much adult and i have my own children. I am older now than she was when she was widowed. She still hasn't started dating do you think it's time yet? The problem wasn't us it was mum, she was scared and damaged by her past (Dad wasn't abusive her parents were), so she couldn't deal with being vulnerable and open to a relationship.

If turn think it will be a long time until you are able to be actively pursuing a relationship that is fine. There is no set time you should. Not should you judge people who make different choices. Every time we drive them in a car we put children at risk, they can choke on a meal we prepare, get run over ... Life is really risky and we all did at the end but taking risks can have rewards. A relationship is always a risk but it can have an amazing pay off. Love.

[WyfOfBathe]

I started dating my now-DH when his daughter was 2. We met at work and became good friends, so I actually met his DD about a year before we started dating. Once we started dating, we didn't tell DD until we were sure that it was going to be a longterm thing.

There were no women drifting in and out of his DD's life - I'm the only person he dated after he and his ex split. I'm sure that DH did not ruin - or endanger - his DD's life by giving her a stepmum.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Can't believe some of the comments on here. Op has been in an abusive relationship, of course she's going to be wary.
It doesn't make her any less than you, because she doesn't have a bloke hanging off her arm.
BTW op. Do you always listen and take notice to what random people tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Have you never heard of telling people to MTOFB.

[AnathemaPulsifer]

OP, seriously, you need to get some counselling. You have a terribly unhealthy attitude to men, most of whom are simply lovely and have the best intentions even if - like anyone - they don't always get it right.

You are raising a son, who will become a man. How can you possibly do that well if you think all men are inherently dangerous? Get help.

[2468whodoweappreciate]

Totally understand where you're coming from OP. A past abusive relationship can change the way you view certain things in the world. And you loose that 'it won't happen to me' attitude because something bad that doesn't happen to everyone has already happened to you.

I am in a similar situation. However my kids are older, it's been 7 years since their father & I split. I wonder if I'll ever have another relationship but I barely have time n energy for my kids still. And I feel very wary of men never mind the thought of letting one into my kids life, what if I get it so badly wrong again? It doesn't bear think about.
But another part of me thinks if you met the right one you'd know. I've never been one to go looking for a guy so I'm still true to form in that way. I think just do what feels right for you in your gut
Oh and I find the people giving their advice most freely (and patronisingly) are the women who have never been in our position! Often the same ones who consider themselves single parents too because their husband works long hours. They've not got a clue on the choices & dilemmas we face, carrying sole responsibility, lucky sods.

[SparkleSunshine201]

Ok understand where you're coming from and I sympathise OP. I know in some cases I might behave in a paranoid way but I feel it's better to be paranoid and overly concerned with safety than to have something awful happen.

I think a lot of women feel under pressure to be coupled up, and also have rebound relationships. I think it can be very confusing for the kids. I know Justin biebers mum promised herself she wouldn't date until he was 18 because she wanted to give him her full attention as he was growing up.

[Trifleorbust]

Really quite unnecessary to judge other mothers to this level. If a single mother wants to date, she should date. If she doesn't (like the OP) no-one is forcing her. Provided the mother is careful (not paranoid, just careful) there is no reason whatsoever that a new relationship should put her child at risk.

[KateDaniels2]

Op most men dont abuse. Are you planning on never allowing your child near any man....ever?

[Wingsofdesire]

Fish why would a single bloke go out with a woman with a young baby? Because he thinks she is desperate and easy and will be waiting at home while he is out living his life?

I think you're very sensitive about the potential 'motivation' of any man who might (seem to) like you. You are already very untrusting before you've even met someone. This is, surely, because of having been with an abusive partner and still being in conflict with him over your child. It's completely understandable, but I think maybe going for some sort of counselling might help you.

You aren't being unreasonable to be so careful. BUT, your perspective is a bit coloured by what's happened with one person, I think.

A single man would firstly want to go out with you so he isn't single any more. It's always going to be a single man who approaches you or anybody else (you wouldn't want a man who wasn't single ...).

Why would he entertain the idea of a woman who has a young child? Because he likes her? Because he's a nice guy and doesn't mind and understands that he would be in a position of great responsibility and he's up for it?

Because he likes kids and would like to have some with you too?

It is skewed to think that any guy who likes a woman who happens already to have a child is thinking about how she'll be tied to the home and/or considering abusing her child. That is very out of proportion.

You don't seem at all ready to date anybody, but as say, I think talking to someone like a counsellor might help. I'm not saying at all that you should date - it is nobody's business but yours. Of course you don't have to.

You were asking if it's normal to not want to - I think whatever you want is ok for you. It is really hard to date with a young child, and you might often feel a conflict of loyalty/etc. - or time with your child or the guy being compromised. It isn't that easy. So I think fine if you want to wait.

But I'd say try to talk to someone about how you see things, in the meantime.

Good luck at court : ( xxx

[Tiptoethr0ughthetulips]

YANBU to not date. YABVVU to judge those that do. I'm sorry you have suffered an abusive relationship and wish you all the luck in the family court. I do however think your views are way way off and perhaps you'd benefit from counselling.

[ThatsWotSheSaid]

YABU
All the points I wanted to make when I read the OP have been made and I can't be bothered to repeat them because you are obviously not receptive to them at the moment.
You are feeling very protective of your LO right now and that's probably a good thing but don't project on to others who are in a better position to make there own judgments.

[LostQueen]

OP, you aren't ready to date and that's fine but you really should speak to somebody about your unhealthy ideology about men before you end up passing it on to your son. All men are not abusers and in fact there are many stories about families that have fled domestic abuse and found new relationships where they step father has treated their children far better than their biological father ever did.

[SuperSheepdog]

Op I understand where you're coming from. There are abusers and paedophiles who access children by getting involved with the mother. I'm surprised too when mums with babies date as I don't know where they find the time! But that's probably because mine didn't sleep and I had no help.

I'd be very cautious to introduce a new man to my dc, I would date if I had the opportunity though.