Told I should be dating even though I have a 15m old son?

[Marmalade85]

Totally prepared to get flamed but I am shocked by the number of mothers with young DCs that jump into relationships almost straight after a break up.

How do you know these men aren't targeting you for being a single mother? How do you know they aren't child abusers? How do you know the relationship will last?

I'm speaking as a single mother with a toddler, I've been single for 7 months and wouldn't dream of a relationship for several years yet I've been told to get back out there. AIBU?

[passmethewineplease]

But yes single parents who date are clearly not thinking of their child's welfare.

[Marmalade85]

Okay maybe it's because I've come out of an abusive relationship but I am concerned about what these men would do i.e turning up at your home uninvited/stalking etc.

[Shamoffour]

You can have a life outside having a child you know.

I second getting some counselling, it sounds like you've been through a lot and this is massively impacting on how you are thinking at the moment (understandably). You aren't ready to date, that's fine but it perfectly possible for other people to date without putting their child at risk.
You need to have confidence in your decisions and your instincts in life and this also applies to dating. If your confidence is low and your not trusting your judgement I could completely understand wanting to stay the hell away from the dating scene.
But remember not everyone feels like this.

[CheshireChat]

See, I'd probably be like you OP, but not everyone is. So long as you wait until a relationship looks stable until introducing the new partner it can work very well.

Also, you and your child went through an ordeal and it can take longer to heal from that, if you just break up because you're not keen on each other then it's a whole different story.

Time- it depends on your support network, grandparents and in an ideal world the ex and bam! you have a bit of time.

[NoCapes]

I've just come out of an abusive relationship too - don't use that as an excuse to be judgemental, rude and offensive
It's perfectly obvious that not every single male in the world will be abusive too ffs

[Theresnonamesleft]

You don't have to tell them where you live. You don't have to tell them anything.
Your child stays at home so is never exposed to the man until you feel ready
To make the introduction.

[Marmalade85]

I'm not just talking about dating but also posts I see on 'single mother Facebook groups' which I'm part of which often include posts such as 'I've been with new partner for 3 months and he is great with the kids...' and I think wtf? Why has he even met your children?

[PetyrBaelish]

It's not about when you date or how long you leave it, it's about how you go about it. You can date for ages before introducing someone as 'the boyfriend' to the kids. If they are understanding and prepared to wait, then they are probably decent as well. Yes, there is a 0.0000001% that they will turn out to be a paedophile, but that is true of everyone you meet and a risk that you will have to take throughout your DCs childhood unless you smother them entirely.

If you don't want to date, then don't, but your posts come across as a bit insulting to women who have made different choices to you!

[SookiesSocks]

I think its best that you seek support and dont date OP.

Not all men are nutters who stalk and abuse children.
It is really unhealthy to think that way.
Yes be cautious but you are OTT.

You need to recover from your past relationship dont concern hourself with how others choise theirs.

[monkeyfacegrace]

Talking of dating, how's GEG @Nocapes

[Gallavich]

I was going to say you sound sanctimonious but I actually think you're traumatised. That's fine. Take your time and heal and when you're ready (and not before) you might be ready to date.

[NoCapes]

monkeyface GEG is still being lovely and doing and saying all the right things and generally still making me twirl

[monkeyfacegrace]

Good good!

I was entirely over invested and grieved when you left the thread wishing you well

[Marmalade85]

Gallavich yes maybe I am traumatised but still don't understand why someone would involve a new man in their DCs life?

[waxmytash]

Biological fathers can also be abusers

[monkeyfacegrace]

But have you ahem done any...horizontal line dancing yet?!

[VeryButchyRestingFace]

Dol because you don't know that these men are abusers until it's too late and the abuse has happened. Who would risk that?

You'd better keep your son away from any male members of your biological family as well then, since statistically there's at least a passing chance one of them may molest him.

[NoCapes]

Horizontal line dancing
We haven't, we've been very much 'dating' - going out to do something, going home and spending 3 hours on the phone after (I feel 15 again!) we haven't spent any time in a place where horizontal line dancing would be appropriate yet (plus I'm too scared 🙈)

[Gallavich]

Because they use their sense and assessment skills to determine whether a person is safe
Because not all men are abusers
Because being a mother doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your personal life
Because step parents can be really positive for children in some cases
Because being too terrified of meeting an abuser to the point of never dating is a trauma response not a rational one

[Marmalade85]

Yes my son's father hasn't seen him for 7 months as I am keeping him safe. Currently going through family court as I mentioned and no, they're no male family members as they're either dead or disappeared.

[NoCapes]

Marmalade you're still not getting that just because you're seeing someone your children don't have to be involved
Or are you being deliberately difficult??

[SookiesSocks]

Do you think your attitude is healthy to pass on to your child?
They will come in to contact with males at school at clubs in the shop. You cannot control that.
Your views could cause serious damage to your child. You really should seek some help.

[Berrypurple]

Life is full of potential risks, you could step outside and get knocked down by a car, catch a disease that is fatal, trip and fall down the stairs and die. But we don't hide in our bedrooms, with gas masks on and wrapped in packing wrap to be safe.
We have to live and take sensible precautions, look left and right when crossing street to not get run over, or not introducing kids to new boyfriend straight away, but to just not go out or not date on the "what if" id ridiculous.

[passmethewineplease]

I think your views on men and relationships is a little skewed right now OP.

There's plenty of nice normal men out there! None of which you have to date if you don't want to! It's your choice, I wouldn't say single parents are risking their child's safety though, that's just being a bit dramatic.

[Marmalade85]

And then you find out that you're child had been abused Berry I think that that more ridiculous