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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I'm the head of the family"

99 replies

user1476961324 · 25/03/2017 17:49

My DP's last remaining parent very sadly passed away just over a year ago. It has been a bit of a rollercoaster of a year.

In a recent development though, my DP's eldest brother has started referring to himself as 'the head of the family'. For context, he will use it saying "I have x responsibility now because I am head of the family". "I am going to take x decision because I am head of the family". He withholds information from us on purpose, because it is only relevant he knows it as 'head of the family' etc.

He is not the head of my family - hahah! I feel like it's about 1820! Can I tell him where to stick it, or AIBU? Confused

I object to the principle of there being some sort of assumed hierarchy! Angry

OP posts:
Writermom22 · 26/03/2017 19:57

Just let him get on with it, until he tells you do do something. Then tell him no, that you will be making your own decisions about your life and how you run it.

ChangelingToday · 26/03/2017 20:05

My bil was 12 when his father died and he's been head of the house ever since, dh is 41 and he's still telling him what to fucking do! he annoys the shit out of me.

pluck · 26/03/2017 20:15

How would he respond to Freedom of Information requests, for all these details he's witholding from the rest of you? (Seriously, I don't like the sound of that.)

PoorYorick · 26/03/2017 20:17

I'm glad people like my suggestions :)

On a serious note though OP, talk to the solicitors to make sure he's not trying to pull anything financially regarding the will. I'm not a lawyer, but I think wills can be made public precisely to stop any heads of families fiddling with them. Just be sure there's nothing more sinister than a twit with a Don Vito Corleone complex.

squeezedatbothends · 26/03/2017 20:20

Send him your bills.

Guitargirl · 26/03/2017 20:22

Freedom of information?!? Is he a public authority?

MiddleClassProblem · 26/03/2017 20:58

I would just be tempted to speak to him in a New Jersey accent and talk in mob or Italian American stereotype phrases all the time.

pluck · 26/03/2017 22:06

GuitarGirl - clearly, he feels he is! Grin

durness · 26/03/2017 22:43

He's a prize numpty. Show no mercy with your mockery.

By way of contrast, I have a sister-in-law who has proclaimed herself head of our family (shows how well our respective families have integrated given I have several surviving elder relatives; they don't count). She's otherwise lovely but I found this very odd. It's a bit of a Korean thing, women tend to run the show there, behind the scenes anyway.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 26/03/2017 22:51

I would phone him EVERY SINGLE DAY and ask his advice "as head of the family" you know important stuff like should i hang the washing it, do you think it will rain? Should i wear the blue or yellow socks with the purple suit? Etc.

blackteasplease · 26/03/2017 23:18

Agree with all the piss taking ideas.

However i do call my auntie the head of the family sometimes (in a nice way)!

Madwoman5 · 27/03/2017 00:44

HOTF is usually earned...not a right. There will usually be someone who family go to for advice or opinion because they want to, not because they are told to. I would have to giggle uncontrollably, like a naughty kid, if he said that out loud!

CoffeeAndEnnui · 27/03/2017 01:03

This has made me think of that wonderful line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding: that a man may be head of the family but a woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she chooses!

On that basis I wholeheartedly concur with the idea of going to him for his wise counsel on EVERYTHING. Until you break himGrin

SanitysSake · 27/03/2017 01:22

Some of these have had me in stitches!

joystir59 · 27/03/2017 01:34

will suitors have to ask his permission to marry the younger generation?

Topseyt · 27/03/2017 02:20

Mockery all the way.

Asking him what you should have for dinner, which top to wear with which skirt or pair of jeans, how to sort out the latest spat between the children. Should you put the washing outside or in the dryer etc?

The sillier the better. Yes too to asking him to foot all bills. After all, that is his responsibility as Head of the Family, surely??

Catinthecorner · 27/03/2017 02:39

Any man who must say, "I am the king" is no true king

roka1 · 27/03/2017 03:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

L666TTY · 27/03/2017 08:37

Roka1 I'd get my husband to text back and tell her to ask you!

Adnerb95 · 27/03/2017 09:32

At the risk of missing the point ... but ...

Sounds as if there was a willtrust in place which may have appointed him (and another? ) as trustees in which case, technically he has responsibilities in respect of the estate. Although that is a legal term and doesn't mean he is "head of the family" . Nor does it mean he doesn't have to be open and honest about what is going on. In fact, he is obliged as a trustee to demonstrate that he is fulfilling the terms of the will. The trustees should, broadly speaking: 1. take advice

  1. diversify and 3. report annually - Trustee Act 2000!!

Wills are public documents - you can look them up online and I would recommend you do!

Being generous to him, he may have felt that being "head of the family" was somehow what DP's parents expected of him and is trying to live up to their expectations although in a rather inept and self-conscious fashion. This happened with the eldest of my brothers (I am the oldest in the family) when my Dad made a couple of comments to him when he (DF) was seriously ill. Poor chap, my DB then tried to take on a role he was seriously ill-equipped to fulfil. 😕

Tapandgo · 27/03/2017 12:31

How on earth does someone living in the 21st Century even think of nominating themself as 'head of the family' and decide that other adults do not need to know about their deceased parents affairs?.......,unless they are masking financial shenanigans? I'd insist all adults were treated as adults with equal rights.

Spadequeen · 28/03/2017 04:49

Just tell him to stop being a dick, if there a financial decisions to be made about the parents estate, then all beneficiaries need to be aware of them

The others might be silently grateful if you do

MsGameandWatch · 28/03/2017 05:39

My ex as the only boy assumes he will be HOF, when the time comes. He is an idiot. It will be and already kind of is, his very sensible and decent older sister. I imagine she and the other sisters will pretend that he has a say just to keep him quiet.

Ampersand22 · 28/03/2017 06:59

My cock of a BIL (that I'm not in contact with anymore thank fuck) referred to himself as a War Hero all the time, it pretty much justified any shitty behaviour.

So, you went off to kill some brown children in a country you'd never previously heard of, leaving your own kids to be brought up effectively by a single parent, and now you have a detached house in a nice suburb that you can lord over me and DH because neither of us fancy state sanctioned murder to ensure a good pension and home ownership.

Oookay den!

I liked to whistle the tune "War" whenever he was around. War. Hoo! Good god y'all, what is it good for? Absolutely nuthin, say it again.

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