Play dates and school gate mums

[Anditstartsagain]

Ds1 has a group of 5 friends they are all very close since meeting at nursery and have been friends for 2.5 years. The mums are not friends however we all chat and arrange play dates.

One of the boys is newer to the group than the rest and until school started went to a child minders from nursery so never done play dates (he was invited) now he has started coming it turns out his mum is quite strict on somethings which has become a problem for the rest of the mums. The things are listed here
No unsupervised play outside in the garden or upstairs.
No processed foods or snacks
No TV or games consols
She has phrases she wants used when he's not behaving

It's all fair enough nothing shocking however I have a 7 month old baby and just can't watch the older ones every moment also my go to play date food tends to be pizza or chicken nuggets and I usually let the boys play on the Xbox at play dates as a result of our very different play dates styles I've avoided making any play dates with her, the other mums took the chance and done the same not that anyone has said so but it's been obvious.

Now the mum is upset that her boy is being left out which really is horrible and was not my intention I was just hoping to avoid it until ds2 was a little bugger and I had more time. I really don't know where to go from here I feel my actions have kicked it off so I should try to fix it.

AIBU in telling the mum I can't commit to her rules and her son can only come if he can join in with our normal? Or do I just find a way to make her rules work?

The benefits of her son socialising with his peers away from her and seeing how different families live, would far far outweigh the 'detrimental effects' of an hour on the Xbox and a few chicken nuggets.
It's a pity she can't see the bigger picture. She's probably doing him a disservice in the long run.

Poor kid. He will end up not getting invited anywhere. If mine go on play dates I don't dictate anything. As long as they get fed something and aren't playing on the main road it's fine!

She only said sorry he can't make it but he walks the same way to after school club as we walk home from school so if he is walking with the after school club kids I will assume he's not busy. I think if that's the case I might give it a few more tries for the boys sake then leave it.

I really don't think it's allergies or anything she never refuses him to eat here is happy for him to be fed so when they get home she can get bed started I'm sure if it was a serious allergy she would have said or refused dinner here.

The mother is ridiculous. I wouldn't allow anyone to dictate what goes in my home (barring allergies) just because they (the parent) is a special snowflake of the highest order.

Like everyone else, I have/had a few things that I'd prefer my children do or not do when in our own home, but it would never occur to to me to dictate that other people follow these same rules when my child is in their home/care.

If the boy finds his social life outside school is dwindling or non existent, then that's on his mother, not anyone else. Any other parent who is following her dictates in their own home is a fool.

YANBU. I would find this too stressful.

I let my DCs have a bit of screen time on play dates, not the whole time, but like you 30 mins or so then it goes off. Mine always do multiplayer modes and are very sociable, discussing what they are playing etc - it's not like they are sat staring at screens in silence! In fact I think it's more interactive than tv. I am strict in not letting them have games that are too old for them. To be honest on play dates they often don't want to play it for that long anyway, they are more interested in going on the trampoline or playing Pokémon etc. (It's when things are banned altogether they become more appealing!)

I had a friend once who was like this, loads of rules, very strict on food (she would literally read the label of everything before her DC could eat it and it was not because of allergies), no sugar or any processed food. (It's not like I was feeding them rubbish I actually do a lot of home-cooking). It got hard when I felt I couldn't give my own DC a biscuit because hers wasn't allowed. She was also nervous about letting her DC play unsupervised e.g. at soft play she would go on all the equipment with them.
However it was when she started giving me 'advice' about how to manage my child's behaviour and what language to use that I decided it was just all too much, I also had a younger baby, sleep deprived, and was finding it too stressful trying to remember all her rules and constantly feeling like I wasn't good enough. So I had to give up on the friendship even though the DCs actually got on well. It was a shame really, I do sometimes wonder how the child is now.

I see play dates as an added bonus for the DCs and all you can do is be honest about what the DCs will be doing / playing / eating and if she doesn't like it that's her choice. Poor DC though.

You sound like a caring person so if you would like to keep the DCs friendship going maybe in the summer arrange some park visits with picnics, that way she can bring her own food and supervise her DC and he won't be completely left out of the socialising.

I have 2 five year olds and would let them play in the garden I unsupervised but if they had a friend I would very much be present. The mum hasn't given you a list it's just bits you've picked up. My 9yo was going to a friend's house last week and I saw the mum in the morning who rushed over to me in the playground as due to clubs and things she wasn't sure how to fit in dinner and planned to take her 3dc plus mine to McDonald's as it was near the club venue. I knew this and had offered to send money for dd but she'd insisted no. Anyway she came over and asked if I'd rather she took them to Morrisons cafe (next to McDonald's) as her dd had to her my dd said she doesn't like McDonald's as it's bad for you. Now I probably have told dd McDonald's isn't good for you as a regular meal but it's fine occasionally and she knows I don't like it (not smug stealth boast, I'd rather go to our lovely chip shop and only want McDonald's when I'm pregnant- they do lovely coffee though).

Sorry for the essay but wanted to show how things can be misinterpreted- dd had McDonald's and ate it happily.

Yes but in this case it was the mother who said 'pizza gave him stomachache and I actually don't give my child any processed food' which is a backhanded way of saying she didn't approve of processed food and didn't want him given any at play dates. I would take it like that anyway.

The only reason the child is left out is the mums fault & she's upset 🙄

She works full time & the child clearly eats what he wants at school dinners so it's not allergy, just neurotic mother