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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Play dates and school gate mums

83 replies

Anditstartsagain · 25/03/2017 17:46

Ds1 has a group of 5 friends they are all very close since meeting at nursery and have been friends for 2.5 years. The mums are not friends however we all chat and arrange play dates.

One of the boys is newer to the group than the rest and until school started went to a child minders from nursery so never done play dates (he was invited) now he has started coming it turns out his mum is quite strict on somethings which has become a problem for the rest of the mums. The things are listed here
No unsupervised play outside in the garden or upstairs.
No processed foods or snacks
No TV or games consols
She has phrases she wants used when he's not behaving

It's all fair enough nothing shocking however I have a 7 month old baby and just can't watch the older ones every moment also my go to play date food tends to be pizza or chicken nuggets and I usually let the boys play on the Xbox at play dates as a result of our very different play dates styles I've avoided making any play dates with her, the other mums took the chance and done the same not that anyone has said so but it's been obvious.

Now the mum is upset that her boy is being left out which really is horrible and was not my intention I was just hoping to avoid it until ds2 was a little bugger and I had more time. I really don't know where to go from here I feel my actions have kicked it off so I should try to fix it.

AIBU in telling the mum I can't commit to her rules and her son can only come if he can join in with our normal? Or do I just find a way to make her rules work?

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 25/03/2017 18:34

Be honest with her. Your first option is fine. Is it an option for her to come too so she can supervise if necessary? All this stress over play dates would drive me mad and I don't blame you for having avoided the situation so far.

PandaPolar · 25/03/2017 18:35

"No processed foods or snacks
No TV or games consols"

I actually agree with these two. I think it's important children socialise away from screens.

5moreminutes · 25/03/2017 18:36

Part of what children gain from "playdates" or going to tea with at other people's houses is that they see that other people do things differently.

I'd tell her very nicely that you can't have him over unless you are allowed to treat him as you treat your son, and that if she invited your son to hers you are more than happy to have your son fit in with her rules.

Having a friend over should be fun for my kid and make my life easier because they play together and don't need my attention - from age 5+ any friend who is hard work doesn't get invited back. I'd make exceptions if I knew they had special needs/ a health condition and their parent had told me how to best manage that of course, but otherwise I have no interested in having to parent differently and in a way that inconveniences me in order to be allowed to host someone else's kid for free.

Itwillbefine · 25/03/2017 18:40

Have I missed how old they are?

I would say I'm sorry I can't accommodate your expectations when he's at my house, he's welcome to come but he will be treated like one of your own.

Itwillbefine · 25/03/2017 18:44

I don't really do 'playdates', I don't have the time or brain space to arrange. When I have done them I try to encourage no screens but the 11YO specifically wants friends to come over so they can play together on their devices. She will soon learn she can't control what goes on when she's not around.

Original poster
Anditstartsagain · 25/03/2017 18:48

They are 5. I want to say I don't always let them watch TV or play the Xbox but 3-5 is ds2's witching hours and can be a handful I feel I need the option to pop a movie on or hand them the controllers while I get the baby his last nap sometimes. I tend to wing it on play dates just let them do whatever. Today we had one after a club they all attend with one of the boys they came I tired and moany so we had 30 mins of mine craft then out to play in the garden with a picnic lunch of cheese sandwiches, apples and a packet of crisps each. It's not always junk food and screen time.

OP posts:
coconuttella · 25/03/2017 18:52

"No processed foods or snacks
No TV or games consols". I actually agree with these two. I think it's important children socialise away from screens.

Ok, but PandaPolar would you impose this on a play date your child is going to? If so, you are being incredibly controlling! A bit of processed food and TV is not going to harm anyone.

WateryTart · 25/03/2017 18:52

I'd be frank with her and say you have different parenting styles and you are not comfortable enforcing her rules in your house.

RTKangaMummy · 25/03/2017 19:01

If the mum came to drop off after school (I realise it is usual for the other child to travel with your DS) then she could see that you garden is safe and doesn't have a river running thru it or trampoline without nets around it or whatever she is frightened of in your garden

Also to see that your DS bedroom is a safe place to play and your house isn't so huge that you can't hear them playing upstairs or that you can watch them off/on in the garden while you are sitting inside with baby or from kitchen window

Hopefully that would give her the confidence that you are a good mum and that you will take care of her DS so she can go home and collect in couple of hours

Is it possible for them to play with Lego or cars or football or whatever your DS likes apart from TV or Xbox for the time that her DS is there?

I know that it should be your house your rules but perhaps she needs to be helped to let go a bit

If your DS really likes him as a friend then hopefully he will be allowed to come to play

SmileSmileSmile

RTKangaMummy · 25/03/2017 19:04

Sorry just saw update

Do 5 year olds listen to audio books anymore?

(My DS is grown up so out of touch with nowadays iyswim)

apringle · 25/03/2017 19:05

I personally wouldn't invite kids under 7 over to watch tv and feed them junk food. But I agree with others that if she wants constant supervision and certain phrases then she should come and manage her child!

RTKangaMummy · 25/03/2017 19:09

My DS would have been watching BBC children's TV so deffo not saying TV is bad btw Smile

No games consoles in the dark ages either so wasn't an option

(no CBBC or CBeebies channels in the dark ages)

JellyWitch · 25/03/2017 19:11

We've found that after school play dates are best finished before tea. Have him picked up by 5 and you're spared the nuggets anguish.

Otherwise it's simply your house you rules.

JellyWitch · 25/03/2017 19:12

And I ban TV and consoles when friends are over. They are there to play with each other not to sit in front of a screen.

NotCarylChurchill · 25/03/2017 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whoknewitwastrue · 25/03/2017 19:24

Bloody hell do 5 years olds play minecraft? Mine watches Peter rabbit and can still have nightmares about that!

Bedsheets4knickers · 25/03/2017 19:27

I do my own thing except for banning of consoles .. I don't like them playing consoles on play dates but food wise and what they do at mine is up to them . My son loves consoles and gets very anti social so it's easier to just not allow them while friends come over . Many of his friends don't play consoles so it's not my place to introduce them

5moreminutes · 25/03/2017 19:31

NotCaryl that console comment has definitely come from the parent, via the child. No 5 yo says unprompted that they can't play x box because it's really bad for him - his mother has told him to say that.

I agree she hasn't presented a list of rules openly, but it does sound as though she has never the less drip fed a lot of conditions.

Of course 5 year olds can play in a safe garden without an adult being in the garden with them - indirect supervision is fine unless there is water or its otherwise unusually dangerous.

topcat2014 · 25/03/2017 19:32

I would worry about the social skills and independence development of the child. These kids tend to fly off the rails when older!

1AnnoyingOrange · 25/03/2017 19:36

Minecraft creative is just lego but on screen (as far as I can see) so nothing for nightmares.

I think if they are coming to your house then it is your rules for supervision, TV and requesting using specific phrases is OTT unless there is a specific understanding issue?

Maybe ask about the food but I'd not commit to no TV and if she asks about supervision, maybe she needs to come too? At least for the first time?

5moreminutes · 25/03/2017 19:36

whoknew 5 yos with older siblings play minecraft, but only on what my kids call "flying" mode (creative mode) which is just building stuff. No scarier than Lego. 30 minutes occasionally is unlikely to harm anyone's social skills though I only allow it if the weather is bad, and right at the end while waiting for parents (so it's sometimes what they are doing when parents arrive to collect, but as I'm not child minding or teaching or even babysitting their child why would that bother me?

paxillin · 25/03/2017 19:37

I cater to religious, ethical and medical food rules. I do not otherwise enforce other people's parenting.

I'd make very clear that processed food, X Box and unsupervised garden play are ok in your house. Your DS will obviously adhere to her rules in her house, but if your rules are unacceptable her DS cannot come to visit.

Original poster
Anditstartsagain · 25/03/2017 19:38

Yes they play mine craft not the zombie one the building one they build and design things it's not scary. They usually do it as a little team giving each other ideas and showing each other how make things it's cool to watch them.

I've text saying 'does ds want to come play Wednesday we will do pizza and they can play in the garden together' she works ft so will be at mine from school to 6 so will need fed if she's not happy she can always say no.

OP posts:
FreshHorizons · 25/03/2017 19:42

Well done Anditstartsagain - up to her then. She seems a bit late in realising that you can't dictate what others do.

youarenotkiddingme · 25/03/2017 19:48

Good text.

She'll either agree or ask about food/supervision or decline. I think you'll get your answer dependent on hers!