Play dates and school gate mums

[Anditstartsagain]

Ds1 has a group of 5 friends they are all very close since meeting at nursery and have been friends for 2.5 years. The mums are not friends however we all chat and arrange play dates.

One of the boys is newer to the group than the rest and until school started went to a child minders from nursery so never done play dates (he was invited) now he has started coming it turns out his mum is quite strict on somethings which has become a problem for the rest of the mums. The things are listed here
No unsupervised play outside in the garden or upstairs.
No processed foods or snacks
No TV or games consols
She has phrases she wants used when he's not behaving

It's all fair enough nothing shocking however I have a 7 month old baby and just can't watch the older ones every moment also my go to play date food tends to be pizza or chicken nuggets and I usually let the boys play on the Xbox at play dates as a result of our very different play dates styles I've avoided making any play dates with her, the other mums took the chance and done the same not that anyone has said so but it's been obvious.

Now the mum is upset that her boy is being left out which really is horrible and was not my intention I was just hoping to avoid it until ds2 was a little bugger and I had more time. I really don't know where to go from here I feel my actions have kicked it off so I should try to fix it.

AIBU in telling the mum I can't commit to her rules and her son can only come if he can join in with our normal? Or do I just find a way to make her rules work?

She is being utterly ridiculous, tell her when its place date in your house, it's your rules or you meet outside in the park after school. This mums behaviour is really going to restrict his friendsx

I agree she IBU but you are not. Everyone has their own rules but you need to be flexible if your child goes on a play date.

Interesting peoples views on consoles. I used to allow my son to play for an hour on an Xbox if he had friends over. Part of the treat and fun of a play date. And it's not like they just sit there like zombies - it's quite an interactive thing messing about together on Minecraft. I'd rather consoles were used like that as a treat - instead of sitting on their own playing them as part of day to day life.

A bit of tv is fine, they will probably be tired after school and need a bit of down time.

She does not seem to have actually imposed any rules per say so it's a question of communication. Some supervision for 5yrs old seem sensible, maybe she didn't actually mean that you had to watch the all the time and just being cautious/managing your own expectations of her child by saying he'll be fine with supervision.
For processed food if it makes him ill surely you'd want to avoid it - not too difficult surely just make pasta and some veggies or sth!
For TV/consoles: to me it would have been a given not to have TV/consoles at that age on play dates but this is not to say I would impose my rules on others... Maybe she didn't ban it completely, again worth discussing... As for the special phrases well again she didn't impose anything, my daughter may be quite upset if told she is naughty for instance, this is not language we use at home at all and she would be all the more upset if it came from someone else. But then all you can do is try and see how you manage with the boy, every kid is different...

oblada pasta is a processed food unless you make it from scratch from flour and water and an egg yourself... Dried shop bought pasta is a nutritionally fairly empty processed food so presumably would also make the child who never eats processed food ill...

Jeez, she sounds like she needs to take the stick out of her arse.
I would be honest and say that you can't follow her rules so it's best if her child doesn't come. Poor kid, what a bundle of laughs his life must be

The thing is ds1 says at school his friend eats pizza from the lunch menu so I kind of think if free school pizza is OK why is my pizza not. I don't think it's a health thing apart from maybe he went a bit mad for it and ate quite a lot I wasn't sure how much he usually eats so I let him have 2 big ish slices.

She says he can't come over so I've done my bit. It's a real shame because all the other boys in the group will see each other outside school and he won't have that.

It's really hard not to drip feed I keep thinking of points I should have put in sorry.

My 5 year old sometimes really needs a bit of tv after school and I would not want a child to come over if I couldn't switch it on if I felt the kids needed to calm down or have a bit of chilling out time.

There is also just no way that 5 year olds should be constantly supervised. Mine love playing up in their room

It sound rather sad she is really over parenting him and not able to let go

What did she say? Just that he can't come?

If your son likes him why don't you invite mum over with son so she can see how your home works & become comfortable?
Maybe she'll off to bring the food

In my experience, parents like this relax soon enough. She will quickly realise her DS will have a lonely childhood otherwise.

Can't come because he's busy doing something else or can't come because you won't enforce her ott rules?

My ds always plays x box with his friends (they're nearly 8)...it's totally social as they do missions together and are always jumping up and down as they do it. Much prefer it to dd's playdate staple of flooding the bathroom (5yos enjoy "making potions" and "pony pool parties" apparently )

Oh and on the food thing. ..can she send him with a snackbox?

I'd just say does x want to come round and tell her what you'll be doing.
What you'll be eating, they can just get on with it type of thing.
If she looks shocked or states her requirements, just say you don't have the resources human or otherwise to meet her needs.

Doing stuff differently is a major part of playdates. Eating different food, being allowed different things, following different cultural customs... it's all part of the fun. It is important for kids to understand not everybody is exactly the same, a lesson this mum sadly hasn't learned and her son sadly pays the price for this.

"NotCaryl that console comment has definitely come from the parent, via the child. No 5 yo says unprompted that they can't play x box because it's really bad for him - his mother has told him to say that. "

Yeah obviously but it's still not a rule that she's given other parents, which is what the original post implies. Thus does not come under the "my house my rules" thing. Getting pissed off because a child politely turns something down on the grounds they're in your house so should do and eat what you want them to is flipping weird imo.

I'm Jewish. I knew from a young age to decline bacon and shellfish. Not remotely the same thing as my mother issuing edicts to all other parents at the school gate that they must ensure their kitchens were kosher before I'd be allowed over. Would the OP or other posters get offended and try to forcefeed me prawns?

The mum doesn't want her kid eating food that makes him sick (might be allergies involved) and has raised him with her own rules which like any well-raised child he is remembering when not in his mother's presence. I'm not seeing anything to suggest she's some control freak monster.

This is like one of my many pfb moments. Although the unsupervised playing is a bit ott. I did used to ask other parents to not give her fizzy drinks, sugary snacks and was very fussy about the tv she watched and absolutely no no swearing around my pfb. Now I know I was a little bit bonkers. But definitely have a word and try to come to some sort of compromise. I would have been devostated if I thought my craziness meant my dd was being excluded from play dates because of it. I'm a bit more relaxed now but I was talking to other mum's and seeing that the odd fizzy drink or chocolate cake won't result in imidiate obesity or tooth decay that helped me relax.

OP, you are very nice! Lovely invitation.

You phrased that exactly right, OP. You've done your best.

It's not up to you to help that kid make friends. YANBU, the demanding mother is.

I'd go as far to say that the disparaging comments, delivered with a smile, is worse than just saying 'I don't let him...' and then give the list of things he's not allowed etc.

TabascoToastie I see what you mean - of course he shouldn't have to play x box if he doesn't want to. That wasn't why he was turning it down though - he'd obviously been told to refuse "because its really bad for you" which slaps a massive value judgement on the rule and isn't anything to do with his preference.

A religious or cultural rule about kosher food, like an allergy, would be respected by everyone. Part of the reason people are happy to respect those requirements is because they don't come with a head tilt and a judgement - you weren't allowed to eat bacon and so you declined it, but you presumably didn't make a loaded comment your mum had prepared you with about the badness of giving children bacon.

Poor kid, he's going to have a very lonely childhood with a mum like that.

If there are allergies involved she would be mad not to have told the host mum in case she inadvertently fed him something with the allergen in it - nobody is allergic to "processed food" - if he is gluten intolerant then obviously he also can't eat whole grain, home made bread any more than he can eat frozen pizza, if its a specific additive then reading the packaging on everything is necessary and some processed foods might be ok, while some things people don't immediately categorise as processed might not.

Everyone knows too much processed food is bad for you and a plate of raw veg and a boiled potato and a little bit of plain grilled fish would be healthier, but if he has an allergy it must be to something specific, not just to the fact the food has been processed.

Op I wouldn't try to indulge her any further. Yanbu, the child is being excluded from play dates but that's entirely his mother's doing. Doing feel guilty, she needs a head wobble. Who does she think she is.
She feels bad her son is not getting invites but oh well that's a shame, she needs to realize why.