To ask DH not to go to a conference because I'm worried about coping with work and kids?

[Beelands]

I'll try and get all the background down without being mega long...

Two DC, 5 and 1. I'm returning to work after mat leave, front line HCP. I work 2 x 12.5 hour shifts a week, and I leave at 645 and get back in the evening at 8. When I'm scheduled for a shift, obviously there's no opportunity for home working or late starts or anything.

I have my shifts up until mid May. My third week back, my DH has just announced he wants to go to a conference for three days. I'm working two of those days. On my work days, DH will take DC to childminder for seven thirty and pick them up for 630. Or my inlaws will come over the night before and stay and look after DC for the day. On the week in question, I am working the Thurs and Fri and we have childminder thurs and inlaws Friday.

DH is a solicitor, 11 years PQE, has never needed to go to a conference before and has been invited by a client. This is all part of the networking as all being well he will be made a partner next year.

I've no idea how to manage this, two very long and exhausting shifts, no idea how to get the kids to the CM or pick them up. Friday is easier as in laws will be here but they will very much expect me to come home, put kids to bed then make them a meal then they'll stay chatting for AGES, I'll be shattered etc etc.

WIBU to ask him not to go and instead to book a conference slash jolly for another time? And I can request the days off so I'm not working?

Cancel you are just the type of example I'm thinking about.
DH is the main earner so you are the one who needs to make all the effort and the sacrifices.
Even though you are a LAWYER and therefore also have a pretty good job yourself and also need to be going away.

WHY? Does it mean it's ok for the woman or the the one that is earning less AT THE TIME to sacrifice their career or their career progression?
A realtionship that is really equal would treat the job of the two partners equally and with the same respect, ensuring that the needs of both jobs are fulfilled in the best way possible. Regardless of how much one is making etc... because let's be honest, the family is benefitting from BOTH incomes. (Let alone the fact that both koartners are also benefitting from their respective jobs etc etc)

I agree with lots of the above, saying it's important and just try and make it work. Me and DP both work full time and next week he is abroad for work all week. It's tough, but I will just pick up the slack as I know when I am away (we both travel) he will do the same.

Good luck OP. Hope he gets the promotion!

I earned quite a bit more (lawyer) so not surprisingly their father would often be the one arranging childcare. It always comes down to money and power. Always as a woman try to be the higher earner.

Woah GreenPeppers

FWIW, my DH has never prevented me from doing anything work related. It's about give and take on both sides. It just happens that DH ends up with far more time away, as he's MD of an international business. I'm happy being a part time lawyer and concentrating more on the kids!

If the roles were switched and I was more career focussed, I'd still earn a lot less (I currently earn a quarter of what he does) and so would he because his earning potential would reduce.

We're both happy with how it works in our house

"For those if you asking about DHs career....had he gone full throttle, he'd have been a partner for three or four years already. But he hasn't, he's insisted that he very much works to live, and he works nine thirty to five thirty Monday to Friday unless something urgent comes up which he cannot do from home. He never does marketing or BD in the evenings or weekend except once in a blue moon. He's got to the threshold of partnership by basically just being absolutely brilliant at what he does to the point they they now have to give him partnership despite the fact he sets an awful example by never doing any marketing! And if and when he does get it, it'll be on the basis that he continues as he is now. That's very much come from him. So I guess him considernjng even going to this conference must be super important and I should facilitate it if I can."

In that case, help him out this time.
Well done for choosing a good man!

OP not wanting to rain on your parade or anything but in my experience a promotion does tend to mean additional responsibilities and while your DH may think he csn keep the same work / life he has now when he is partner, I suspect it will be harder to maintain as there will be more expectations. This is why neither I or DH have progressed our careers since having kids. Close friends DP got a promotion but it did affect their family life.

I'd be interested to see his business plan in support of his application to be made up to partner in the absence of any BD/networking. Misses point of the thread.

Quite possibly, gameofchance.... we can only try and see how it goes. My understanding is that eventually you sort of have to become a partner, as otherwise you become too expensive as a fee earner.

Allthe, he does a lot of breakfasts and lunches! And away days. No doubt he'll big it up a lot on the business plan! At the core of it, my job is important to both of us, and as far as we can we will both work together to keep my working feasible. I am mindful though that every partner we know at the firm either has a SAHP or two high earning parents and a nanny....

To an extent, solicitors can develop the business solely by being very good at their job - word gets round, and if they end up being listed as amongst the best in the big legal directories people will seek them out. So I can see how someone could make partner without doing a lot of schmoozing.

My advice is to stay true to yourselves and your marriage.

The firm won't be there for him in dark times -you will. And vice versa.

And do lots of breakfast meetings!

You have my sympathy OP

I'm a nurse, work three days a week and leave the house at 06.45am and return about 21.15pm. On these days my DH does the childminder drop-offs and pick-ups so when he has to go away for work it's a nightmare.

He recently went away for 8 days and I had to take annual leave for most of it. All mine and his family work so nobody could help with childcare drop offs or pick ups, and even if they could they'd still have to look after DS until I came home at 21.30 so it's quite a big ask as they'd have to do his dinner and bedtime etc.

My DH is soon to go away again and I'm having to take more annual leave and also rely on my sister for some overnight childcare.

When one parent works unsocial hours that include being out the hours for 13-14 hours it makes things difficult when the other parent isn't around and there is a child that needs looking after.

However, on your occasion it's only for a few days and it's been a regular thing in the past so I think you would be unreasonable to stop him and should try and find a way to allow it to happen.