Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go to a conference because I'm worried about coping with work and kids?

86 replies

Beelands · 25/03/2017 14:14

I'll try and get all the background down without being mega long...

Two DC, 5 and 1. I'm returning to work after mat leave, front line HCP. I work 2 x 12.5 hour shifts a week, and I leave at 645 and get back in the evening at 8. When I'm scheduled for a shift, obviously there's no opportunity for home working or late starts or anything.

I have my shifts up until mid May. My third week back, my DH has just announced he wants to go to a conference for three days. I'm working two of those days. On my work days, DH will take DC to childminder for seven thirty and pick them up for 630. Or my inlaws will come over the night before and stay and look after DC for the day. On the week in question, I am working the Thurs and Fri and we have childminder thurs and inlaws Friday.

DH is a solicitor, 11 years PQE, has never needed to go to a conference before and has been invited by a client. This is all part of the networking as all being well he will be made a partner next year.

I've no idea how to manage this, two very long and exhausting shifts, no idea how to get the kids to the CM or pick them up. Friday is easier as in laws will be here but they will very much expect me to come home, put kids to bed then make them a meal then they'll stay chatting for AGES, I'll be shattered etc etc.

WIBU to ask him not to go and instead to book a conference slash jolly for another time? And I can request the days off so I'm not working?

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 25/03/2017 15:53

Can a colleague swap shifts or is it too late to request annual leave?. I am a front line hcp and my employers would be ok with this as long as we weren't too short staffed.

Oblomov17 · 25/03/2017 15:53

Never needed to go to a conference before? Really? In 11 years. Surely there is a way round this. I can't believe you don't want him to go.

VelvetSpoon · 25/03/2017 15:54

Surely rather than 'mens job are more important' its more a case of the person who works ft and earns the majority of the household income (in this case the man, but not always) making sure they a) keep their job secure and b) put themselves in a good positon for future promotion.

Given ultimately both those things are going to benefit the family as a whole that does mean on this occasion it is more important.

JacquesHammer · 25/03/2017 15:59

Mmmm there is starting to be a feeling of 'man's job is more important' on this thread.....

Well for me there's a feeling of "we're a partnership let's chat through whether it will work". Rather than the ubiquitous "he sorts childcare". Always found communication surrounding childcare worked better (and continues to work better even though we're separated)

Longtalljosie · 25/03/2017 15:59

I work similar hours to you. The thing is, this will come up and you need your ducks in a row. In my case, when DH is away on business and I'm on a late shift (happening again fairly soon, just sorted it today) the childminder hands over to the babysitter. Or family. It's not frequent (4 times a year for me maybe) but you do what you do to keep the show on the road. I know it seems daunting - having a baby and doing long shifts nearly broke me when I went back after number 2. But it does get easier.

milliemolliemou · 25/03/2017 16:00

You have a one year old and you're going back to work ...

With RupertsMum. Some of us can't afford to rent or pay a mortgage without two people working. It's sad most of us in the south/cities anywhere can't afford the choice, but that's how it is.

Meanwhile with pps - the OP certainly needs to sit down with her partner and discuss how his absence is dealt with.

Babyroobs · 25/03/2017 16:01

I would just ask around colleagues/ put a note up on staff room board asking if anyone can swap. I've always found people are more than willing to help if they can. I've just agreed to work a 12 hour shift on Easter Sunday ( must be mad) for a colleague who's husband has to work and she has no childcare. People are always helping each other out if they can

LadyLapsang · 25/03/2017 16:03

Increasinglymiddleaged, the reality might be that if he misses the conference and, for example, the children get sick in the next year and he takes a few days off he will be seen as less serious about his career (this will have happened to many of us). He may then miss out on being partner. OP may the come back saying her DH has missed out on partner as he hasn't been focused enough on work. OP may then need to be more work focused / increase her hours to compensate. They may not mind this, but I get the impression that this is not their plan.

LucyFuckingPevensie · 25/03/2017 16:12

I had to go away a while back for work, it was training rather than a conference, but the training meant I got a promotion so it was benificial to my career.
DP swooped his shifts at work to cover, is there any way you can do that ?
I agree with the pp who have said it would be a good idea to sort this out together rather than leave it to DH.

ShiroiKoibito · 25/03/2017 16:15

You have a one year old and you're going back to work? I really don't understand why people have kids just to dump them with a childminder

ODFOD

AdoraBell · 25/03/2017 16:22

He needs to sort the child care.

Order a take away for delivery when PILs are at your house.

gameofchance · 25/03/2017 16:22

Do you actually want DH to become a partner? This will just be the start of it ... is this what you want your life to be?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 25/03/2017 16:23

Am I missing something with everyone saying 'he can sort the childcare'? The OP says in her post that he has.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 25/03/2017 16:26

That may be the case lady. More common I would argue is the scenario that because the man is able to prioritise his career he ends up being the main wage earner..... I don't get the impression that the OP is that bothered whether DH becomes a partner or not. Who is to say she isn't a consultant anyway.....?

Katie0705 · 25/03/2017 16:27

Have you spoken to your ward manager yet? Explain the situation and see what he/she can offer. See if any of your colleagues would be able to swap shifts if you haven't done already. I understand that returning to work is a stressful time and exhausting time. When I was a ward manager I was forever swapping shifts about when I could, as I would rather do this than having an upset member of staff who goes off sick at the last moment. Good luck.
.

Original poster
Beelands · 25/03/2017 16:31

Thanks everyone for the feedback, I appreciate it. Reading through the replies, yes it seems doable. I will have to do it! Baby still wakes in the night too, not dreadfully so, he's settled again within ten minutes but still. But you're right, I can do it.

I'm keen not to change my shifts at this juncture... I'm not back yet, it feels a lot harder to do when not on the ground and I don't think it makes an amazing impression to go in and immediately start saying what you can and can't do. The expectation is very much that you get your chance to request days off, so when you've got the rota you get on with it without involving the line managers. A shift swap arrangement with a collaeague would be fine and I may look into that for the Friday, but not until I'm actually back.

It's a new CM too, so again asking her for a variation early on seems bad form, but off the back of this thread I have done so.... she's happy to have the children from six forty five but they need picked up by six thirty. But we'll figure it out.

For those if you asking about DHs career....had he gone full throttle, he'd have been a partner for three or four years already. But he hasn't, he's insisted that he very much works to live, and he works nine thirty to five thirty Monday to Friday unless something urgent comes up which he cannot do from home. He never does marketing or BD in the evenings or weekend except once in a blue moon. He's got to the threshold of partnership by basically just being absolutely brilliant at what he does to the point they they now have to give him partnership despite the fact he sets an awful example by never doing any marketing! And if and when he does get it, it'll be on the basis that he continues as he is now. That's very much come from him. So I guess him considernjng even going to this conference must be super important and I should facilitate it if I can.

OP posts:
loobylou10 · 25/03/2017 16:31

No the op has said what normally happens on a workday when he is there i think. OP I think you just need to suck it up tbh if DH wants to be a partner. It's only 2 days.

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2017 16:33

Whatever you do, please make it clear it is his job to resolve this. Otherwise he'll think this is your job every time it happens

I don't understand this attitude. For my husband and I we worked together as a team. We both went away, neither one of us said "right you're going so you sort it" we worked it out together. There was no it's my job or it's his job. We pulled together.

No wonder so many marriages end in divorce.

Original poster
Beelands · 25/03/2017 16:35

By which I mean to say, of course he's been there on the end of the laptop or phone or even in the office if needed, but it's very much to do urgent work, not presenteeism or endless schmoozing. He's got a good list of clients now, mainly fathers themselves (no mothers amongst them unfortunately) and none of them are interested in that at all, unless it's something really cool like six nations tickets. That won't be part of his offering as a partner, which his managing partner well knows!

OP posts:
loobylou10 · 25/03/2017 16:36

Agreed bluntness - it's not meant to be tit for tat!

JacquesHammer · 25/03/2017 16:37

No wonder so many marriages end in divorce

That's unfair - mine ended in divorce. It was absolutely nothing to do with situations like this. Nice generalisation.

GreenPeppers · 25/03/2017 16:40

I agree about talking with him obviously BUT I still think that the highest part of the responsibility re organising the childcare when he is away should be on his shoulders, not the OP's.

What I would be careful with is 'this is only a once in a while situation. You should step up to it' leading to a 'actually it happens now much more regularly but you clearly cope so that's ok'
I also notice that this is happening JUST when the OP is going back to work when it has never ever being the case - which makes me wonder if there isn't some sort of avoidance things going on.
E.g.: let's say PIL come and pick the dcs up from nursery on that day so maybe they should be doing that on a regular basis.
Or OP has modified her shifts, shenwill be able to do that whenever it fits him etc...

Now I am NOT saying this is what will happen. But I also know that my experience is that, being very kind, supportive and flexible isn't always a two ways street. And that being kind and flexible very easily becomes what is expected rather than something that should be appreciated iyswim.
Put the two together and it's making a situation quite crap TBH.
And to change that dynamic IS very hard work.

So whatever you do, please be careful!!

ICancelledTheCheque · 25/03/2017 16:43

OP is it logistically difficult, or impossible?

I'm a lawyer too and a lot of events you do need to go to for your career, even if they aren't do or die!

My DH works away frequently - I have to juggle four kids at 2 different schools and whilst it's a logistical pain in the arse and tiring, I can't really stop him from progressing his business as he's the main earner - so I sympathise but it's only two days, if it's difficult rather than impossible I'm sure you'll survive!

GreenPeppers · 25/03/2017 16:46

Blunt you are totally right in a relationship where there is near perfect balance between the needs of the two partners as well as their attitude.

My experience where there was some imbalance (imbalance in wage in particular) is that it very soon becomes more of 'I am the one with the biggest wage and the one who needs to travel so I am the one who takes the priority'.
The 'working as team' soon became 'you need to be flexible for me but I can never be flexible for you' unless you're u leave me no other choice

So whilst I would have LOVED the relatuinhsiomyou are describing, this is NOT what I experienced.
I got taken for granted for years before I finally did stand up for myself and yes did tell him that this was HIS problem to sort. Before that, it was always my problem to sort, me that needs to make the effort and so on.
I think it's important to know that whilst it's much to have the type of relationship you describe, it can also go the other way AND that you need to be aware of not giving too much iyswim

Expellibramus · 25/03/2017 16:49

Don't be a twat hairymary.

That ship has sailed.