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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH not to go to a conference because I'm worried about coping with work and kids?

86 replies

Beelands · 25/03/2017 14:14

I'll try and get all the background down without being mega long...

Two DC, 5 and 1. I'm returning to work after mat leave, front line HCP. I work 2 x 12.5 hour shifts a week, and I leave at 645 and get back in the evening at 8. When I'm scheduled for a shift, obviously there's no opportunity for home working or late starts or anything.

I have my shifts up until mid May. My third week back, my DH has just announced he wants to go to a conference for three days. I'm working two of those days. On my work days, DH will take DC to childminder for seven thirty and pick them up for 630. Or my inlaws will come over the night before and stay and look after DC for the day. On the week in question, I am working the Thurs and Fri and we have childminder thurs and inlaws Friday.

DH is a solicitor, 11 years PQE, has never needed to go to a conference before and has been invited by a client. This is all part of the networking as all being well he will be made a partner next year.

I've no idea how to manage this, two very long and exhausting shifts, no idea how to get the kids to the CM or pick them up. Friday is easier as in laws will be here but they will very much expect me to come home, put kids to bed then make them a meal then they'll stay chatting for AGES, I'll be shattered etc etc.

WIBU to ask him not to go and instead to book a conference slash jolly for another time? And I can request the days off so I'm not working?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 25/03/2017 15:20

I always think "oh he sorts childcare" is such a daft statement.

What actually needs to happen is sitting down as a family and discussing how it will work including the OP outlining her concerns and what she can/can't do.

historyismything · 25/03/2017 15:20

I also work as front line HCP and think you need to get a grip really.
You have a few weeks to sort this out; can you go into work and swap a shift? If not can childminder have the children early and late? The second day is easier as you have your PIL.
My husband very often has varying shifts and child care can be tricky. I know what it's like to come in exhausted and then have to start again with the children. It's what you have to do! I'm not saying it's easy by the way, mine are a little older now but it was hard when they were small.

SauvignonGrower · 25/03/2017 15:21

I have the kind of career where going to conferences is important. I also had several years of saying no to them when the kids were young. My career took a hit as a result. That's completely fine and the sacrifice you make when you have a family. I would never have dreamed of taking off without putting in place childcare arrangements. Whatever you do, please make it clear it is his job to resolve this. Otherwise he'll think this is your job every time it happens.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 15:21

You can easily get your CPD from daytime stuff. I've never been to a conference for mine, and could do it all in the city I live in if I wanted.

Don't be a twat hairymary.

BitchPeas · 25/03/2017 15:21

MyScary completely pointless and goady but as long as you feel big and clever.....

danTDM · 25/03/2017 15:22

Absolutely he has to go. You'll both have to find a way. It sounds a pain but completely doable.

Many lone parents deal with these things all the time.

LadyLapsang · 25/03/2017 15:23

Apply for unpaid parental leave for that week - think you need to give 21 days notice. Alternatively apply for AL or swap your shifts with a colleague, perhaps you could cover the weekend when your DH is back.

RupertsMum2 · 25/03/2017 15:24

You have a one year old and you're going back to work? I really don't understand why people have kids just to dump them with a childminder

Because only the rich should have children Confused

Increasinglymiddleaged · 25/03/2017 15:27

Myscary ODFOD

Agree with others, he needs to sort out the childcare. You have a job where you can't just drop everything - unless you are able to swop with someone for a nasty weekend shift.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 15:29

To be fair rupertsmum2, she's also basically saying men are allowed to have them too. It's only if you're a woman and can't afford to be a SAHP that you shouldn't.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 25/03/2017 15:29

I think you can work together to find a way - call in favours, hire a temporary mothers help if necessary and funds allow.

I remember at this stage I occasionally asked my DSIL over to help me feed my toddler evening meal while I fed clusterfeeding baby if DH was abroad on business. You'll find a way.

And HairyMary. DFOD.
A) because that's never a reasonable comment
B) because the OP is working two days a week

DrowningSeas · 25/03/2017 15:30

Sorry but yabu

You work 24 hours a week over two days. Which means you have 5 days a week at home with the children..

Presumably your DH's job affords you to be able to work these hours.

He has never been to a conference or away by your own admission. Yet for two days you're being asked to get by, technically one day as your inlaws are doing one of them.

You have a couple of options..

  • Find someone to swap the work days with you

If this isn't an option..

  • Get DH to pay taxi for childminder pick up and drop off on the first day.
  • Eat ready meals or grab a chinese on the way home for inlaws.
  • Cuddle kids and pop to bed quickly.. Or say to inlaws please put in bed.
CantChoose · 25/03/2017 15:31

hairymary I really don't understand why people have careers just to dump them with maternity cover Confused
Each to their own, perhaps? I don't recal the OP asking for an opinion about whether she should go back to work or not...

FatOldBag · 25/03/2017 15:33

YANBU not to want him to go because he's supposed to be looking after the kids those days while you're working and it'd not ok for him to just drop that and expect you to sort things out (kind of a separate issue there though).

As for whether he goes or not, have you actually seen anything about the conference? There should be details online, ask him where it is, what dates, times, what it covers and look it up. Does it seem to be really important, a great opportunity, is it the closest/soonest that covers that subject? Are there alternatives that are similar but more conveniently located/timed? Or is this particular course run quite frequently so he can go to the next one? I think you really need to look into the ins and outs of it. It's an inconvenience to you, but you might find, from finding out about it, that actually you're much happier going out of your way to accommodate it if you buy in to what he's going to get out of it. Equally, you might find a better alternative that works for both of you.

RedSandYellowSand · 25/03/2017 15:35

How easy is it to move the shifts around that week, to the days he isn't at the conference?
Can the in-laws (or your parents, if that would be easier for you) come Wednesday night, and either take the kids to the cm, or look after them on the Thurs, as well as having them on the Fri?
I don't know about if he has to go or not, but we have used my Mum in a similar situation ( me at work in Italy, DH required in London).

WinnieFosterTether · 25/03/2017 15:36

This doesn't seem like a big deal. Someone arranges extra childcare. The fact your OP makes it feel like an insurmountable problem, implies there are some underlying issues.

I agree with the PP who said you both have to have a chat about how your careers fit together. If your DH has turned down conferences in the past but decided to go to this one, is he being PA about your return to work? If he needs to go to this conference, are you being PA about him choosing to go for a partnership and spending more time away from the family? Have an honest chat about how you are both going to work and manage the family.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 25/03/2017 15:38

Sorry but I think you should just get on with it for two days. He's only away for three. And you have help, whether the help likes to stay and chat or not is immaterial.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/03/2017 15:42

Do you have some sort of additional need that means you can't do childcare runs and bedtime?

Because if not just ask your minder to keep hold of them longer and expect to pay antisocial hours fees

yayforsummer · 25/03/2017 15:42

Could you shift swap with someone else in work?

smashedinductionhob · 25/03/2017 15:47

Sympathies.

It's annoying as a conference isn't actually legal work it's just schmoozing client so nobody else does.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 25/03/2017 15:47

Mmmm there is starting to be a feeling of 'man's job is more important' on this thread.....

ElisavetaFartsonira · 25/03/2017 15:48

I think people are maybe not getting that this all seems a lot harder when you're just getting back from ML. It's a hard time. The old arrangements have changed and in any case, if the baby is 1, everyone will have near enough forgotten them by now. Something that's not a big deal when you've been back a few months feels like one when you're about to do it after having had a year out.

smashedinductionhob · 25/03/2017 15:49

Agree.

If it was a trial that would be different.

Very difficult.

Pigface1 · 25/03/2017 15:50

I think if he's going for partner, he probably really does have to go to the conference. And if he is made up to partner, there will be many more of these kind of conferences/away days/golf days etc that look like 'jollys' but are actually a vital part of the networking that goes with partnership.

I think this could potentially be an ongoing problem so perhaps you guys need to sit down and have a chat about how to make childcare work.

Good luck xxx

Euripidesralph · 25/03/2017 15:52

Myscary I assume you are a millionaire or believe the rest of us should be sterilised if we earn under 50k? And can afford for a parent to stay home?

Crawl back under a rock shockingly children do very well in day care