Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to say something about 6 week old's sleeping conditions?

90 replies

AppleFlapjack · 25/03/2017 08:44

A school mum has just posted a picture of her newborn asleep in his cot and Im really shocked.

The baby has a pillow and duvet and is tucked in at the top of the cot the mum is a smoker which makes her higher risk for sids regardless so its playing on my mind.

Should I just mind my own buisness or bring it up with her?

OP posts:

SpookyPotato · 26/03/2017 09:07

I can't believe someone could be so unaware of this, but just wanted to say there's no guarantee of professionals mentioning it.. I have an 7 week old and no midwife or health visitor has said anything about sleep.
Definitely say something OP, I'm sure others have seen the photo and reacted like you have.. my brother lost his baby to cot death 20 years ago and is still so affected by it. Who cares if she feels defensive, who cares if she avoids you in future.. you would have done the right thing.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 26/03/2017 09:09

And it is no different to advice about weaning or any other aspect of parenting - it is advice, not rules

But with a lot of other bits of advice there are various good and not-so-good reasons why you might choose not follow them. Some people deviate from the standard safe sleep advice for medical reasons or just to get a better night's sleep (DS slept on my chest for the first month or so - I hated doing it as it didn't feel safe but I wouldn't have slept a wink otherwise).

But there no reason at all (other than it looking pretty) for a newborn to be sleeping in a cot with pillows and a duvet and soft toys. It's benefiting no-one and extremely easily changed.

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 09:11

Bubbinsmakesthree:

That's their call to make. Advice, not rules.

PicturesOfYou · 26/03/2017 09:23

I ignored the 'back to sleep' aspect of the advice. Because both of mine screamed for hours and only slept very fitfully when they did. None of us got any sleep.

When I realised I wasn't safe to drive, I decided the tiny risk of putting them to sleep on their backs so that they and I could get some sleep was lower than he risk of driving and falling asleep at the wheel.

There were no other risk factors. I was comfortable with my decision.

doublesnap · 26/03/2017 09:38

If you have one perhaps you could pass on some unwanted baby stuff and include a sleeping bag, saying how great they were.

llangennith · 26/03/2017 10:06

Could you phone a Health Visitor and tell them your concerns? That way it's anonymous but you know you've told someone who is a position to do something about it.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 26/03/2017 10:07

Well no-one is suggesting they should be arrested Trifle - yes it's just advice but very sensible and easy to follow advice. And it's reasonable for the OP to give that advice to her friend - whether the friend chooses to follow it or not is ultimately up to her.

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 10:14

Bubbinsmakesthree;

I was responding to the OP who said it was different to other types of advice. I disagree.

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 26/03/2017 10:44

I think that you have to say something. Just imagine the awfulness if the baby died.

Personally I wouldn't tiptoe around and pretend you think the photo is staged or anything like that. She'll see right through it and will probably be so irritated that she'll ignore your advice anyway.

I'd go along the lines suggested by a pp. You know she may think you're overstepping the mark but you couldn't not say something. Polite but direct.

So what if she ignores you from then on? You'll have done the right thing on behalf of that little baby.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 26/03/2017 10:58

I think it is different from other advice Trifle because there's just no decent reason to ignore it and the consequences could be so dire.

There are lots of parenting choices that people make that are contrary to advice that I wouldn't dream of commenting on but like the OP I feel like this particular issue is so clear cut that mentioning it is warranted.

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 11:00

Bubbinsmakesthree:

It is no different to other advice. Every parent decides for themselves about acceptable risk every day. Advice not to smoke/drink during pregnancy? Advice. Advice not to turn on the airbag in the front seat of the car when travelling with a car seat? Advice. Smoking in the car with children? Against the law. Not using a car seat? Against the law.

Original poster

AppleFlapjack · 26/03/2017 11:06

I agree about it all being advice and not rules, I have a friend who has had her baby sleeping on his tummy since birth as she said he wouldnt sleep otherwise and although thats not advisable I wouldnt say anything to her as its not my place and it is her baby.

I feel like this is a bit different though as I genuinely cant see the benefit for anyone other than to look nice, she has sleeping bags as she posted a naptime photo once before so I dont understand the need for duvets.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 11:09

It's not different. Another person might not think it is acceptable for the baby to sleep on his tummy and feel they had to say something. It is still just advice.

Trainspotting1984 · 26/03/2017 11:27

Hmm I agree. It's like those car seat shamers

Bubbinsmakesthree · 26/03/2017 11:46

I honestly don't get the point you're trying to make trifle - are you saying you'd say nothing because it's just advice?

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 11:48

Bubbinsmakesthree:

No. I am saying interfering on this point is the same as interfering on any other point of parenting. Do it if you feel you must, but don't think you differ from anyone else who interferes. You will probably get told to butt out.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 26/03/2017 11:52

Even though it does raise the risks, the risks are still fairly small and in all likelihood this baby will be actually fine. It's good to do things the best way but you do need to let go of the idea that doing things against guidelines means the baby is going to die.

Up to the kids mother how the baby sleeps. She'll have been told the guidelines but like many don't care about them. Her choice.

fernanie · 26/03/2017 12:02

It is advice, not rules

Yes, but the stakes with this particular piece of advice are incredibly high. If you ignore the advice on early use of dummies, meh, maybe you'll find breastfeeding a bit harder. If you ignore the advice on safe sleeping, your child is more likely to die in the night. That's not the case with most guidelines, but it is the case with this one. Even if the absolute risk is quite small, the decision still comes down to "well, there's only a 1:3000 risk of my child dying, so it's probably worth it for the sake of a cute cot". I can't get my head around that sort of logic.

Trainspotting1984 · 26/03/2017 12:03

I don't think it is incredibly high tbh. It's not good but the chances of the baby suffocating are very low

ImFuckingSpartacus · 26/03/2017 12:12

If you ignore the advice on safe sleeping, your child is more likely to die in the night. That's not the case with most guidelines, but it is the case with this one

Not much more though. And if you ignore the advice on safe weaning, your child is slightly more likely to die. And if you ignore the advice on making up bottles properly, also slightly more likely to die. Lots of things.
Interfere if you want to, but its unlikely to have any effect other than to piss people off. If they cared about the guidelines they would already be following them.

LoveDeathPrizes · 26/03/2017 12:15

I think I'd tell her then say you're only mentioning it because you didn't know either until a friend told you. Softens the blow.

Or share a safe sleep article on your Facebook and hope she sees it.

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 12:21

I can't get my head around that sort of logic.

I didn't say it was logical. It's not. But the risks are microscopic, and theirs to assess, not ours.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 26/03/2017 12:40

I'm not the kind of person to butt in with unsolicited advice to friends in general and am realistic about risks, not a doom-monger. So in most cases I'd bite my tongue on something like this.

But I think giving a newborn a pillow and duvet despite the risks is just so devoid of logic that I'd have believe that there's a chance that she's not fully aware of the risks she's taking - in which case a gentle prompt towards the guidance might just make a difference.

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 12:43

Bubbinsmakesthree:

Maybe. If she isn't aware then she will probably be grateful. If she is, she will probably be pissed off!

Applebite · 26/03/2017 12:45

I would tell her. Prob send her a link to the lullaby trust advice on the subject - make it clear that you don't mean to be interfering but perhaps she hasn't seen this?

Flip

1 2 3 4