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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say something about 6 week old's sleeping conditions?

90 replies

AppleFlapjack · 25/03/2017 08:44

A school mum has just posted a picture of her newborn asleep in his cot and Im really shocked.

The baby has a pillow and duvet and is tucked in at the top of the cot Sad the mum is a smoker which makes her higher risk for sids regardless so its playing on my mind.

Should I just mind my own buisness or bring it up with her?

OP posts:
SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 25/03/2017 14:33

I am not a fan of people telling others what to do with there child and it pisses me off no end when people tell me what I should do with dd but I think there is a difference from giving unwanted weaning advice and mentioning this is not recommended and may not be safe

I certainly wouldn't write anything on her Facebook photo for the world and his wife to see but maybe you could send a private message?Although fully expect to be thought of as an interfering old bag

A good chance the photo is staged

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 25/03/2017 14:36

MontysTiredMommy I hope you complained about the shop assistant, like she had any right having a go at you for buying a cot bumper. He made her judge and jury

A quick Google tells me cot bumpers are ok from 1 year old so should be fine for your Toddler

ImpetuousBride · 25/03/2017 14:51

I know others have suggested to PM her (presumably so you don't embarrass her) but what if you wrote a short and sweet comment to her photo? That way other FB friends might also say something in support and make her take the guidelines seriously or at least check them out! If she is a close friend she should be receptive, if she's an acquaintance you don't have much to lose. Just congratulate her, say how cute/sweet/angelic she looks and then say something like "you should check the NHS guidelines though, just for safety reasons" and leave it at that.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 25/03/2017 15:13

The other way to go would be to acknowledge you're sticking your nose in

"Hi X, congratulations blah blah blah...

I saw the picture you posted on Facebook and I realise I'm going to sound like a complete interfering busybody here, but I read an article recently about a mum whose baby suffocated in their cot and I can't get it out of my mind. I know I should probably mind my own business, and I don't know how your baby normally sleeps, but there's a link to the safe sleeping guidance here ... I'll butt out now!"

Trifleorbust · 25/03/2017 15:14

ImpetuousBride:

She is far more likely to react defensively to a public message than to a private one.

peachgreen · 25/03/2017 15:17

Bubbins' advice is the best. Don't say anything publicly - she'll feel embarrassed and get defensive, and don't pretend you think the guidelines have changed or you're assuming she takes it all out at night - she'll see straight through that. Being honest and saying you know that you're poking your nose in but you couldn't live with yourself if anything happened is by far the best suggestion.

myoriginal3 · 25/03/2017 15:24

I'd word it as follows:

Hey x. Your baby is beautiful. She looks very cosy in her duvet. However, at the risk of sounding like an interfering know-it-all, I feel it would be remiss of me not to mention that current guidelines to prevent cot deaths are that teddies should be removed from cot, no pillow, cellular blankets and baby should have their feet at the bottom of the cot to prevent them wriggling down under bedding and suffocating. I'm sorry to be poking my nose in where it's probably not wanted, but I just thought I'd mention these guidelines to you [insert link] in case you were not aware of them. Congratulations on your beautiful baby and sorry if I have overstepped the mark.

Trifleorbust · 25/03/2017 17:11

myoriginal3:

Well meaning but I would definitely not say 'it would be remiss of me' - that makes it sound like you think you are responsible for her baby. I know it isn't meant like that. But I would keep it breezy.

Original poster
AppleFlapjack · 25/03/2017 17:14

Thanks everyone, some great advice.

The not being sure on guidelines wouldnt really work as I have a baby a few months older.

I agree that it does feel a bit different than say early weaning advice etc. as some NHS/health visitor advice is given as guidance and if I saw something I wouldnt necessarily do but not causing harm (e.g. early weaning/prolong dummy use etc) I would just but out as its their baby and I dont know the whole picture but the advice on sleeping is pretty clear cut and to avoid SIDS Sad.

I will see her at school on monday I may try to bring it up/drop it in as maybe in person it may come across better? Or perhaps I should post a copy of the guidelines through her door! Grin

OP posts:
MissClarke86 · 25/03/2017 17:16

There's no way she doesn't know about safe sleep. I've got a 1 month old and safe sleep has been mentioned at every midwife/HV appointment since her birth!

I'd still tell her though.

Original poster
AppleFlapjack · 25/03/2017 17:22

MissClarke I agree, when I was discharged from hospital with DC2 (8 months) they went through lots of paperwork including the lullaby trust guidelines, there was a HV visit in pregnancy where she asked how and where baby would sleep, and again at the 6 week visit. Shes in the same area so must have similar care, I can see some advice people take with a pinch of salt and I see lots of baby photos with teddys/bumpers etc. in cots but a full duvet and pillow Shock

OP posts:
HughLauriesStubble · 25/03/2017 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 25/03/2017 17:41

Bizarrely my HV didn't mention safe sleeping at my antenatal home visit - I was expecting her to want to check where the baby was sleeping but it wasn't addressed at all.

It's possible to advice has passed her by - even if not, an intervention from a friend could make her think differently. Of course, it might not, but saying something is better than saying nothing.

Trifleorbust · 25/03/2017 19:25

I agree it is highly unlikely that she hasn't been told already. And it is no different to advice about weaning or any other aspect of parenting - it is advice, not rules.

MontysTiredMummy · 25/03/2017 20:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Whatsername17 · 25/03/2017 20:44

Could you say 'my friend was really told off by the hv for using a pillow and duvet - apparently it increases the SIDS risk and they shouldn't have either until they are one. My friend felt awful and was so scared about SIDs anyway. Just wanted to let you know incase you get a similar lecture from the HV.'

TheRealPooTroll · 25/03/2017 21:05

I'd share the sids guidelines on your wall and tag all the people you know with young babies in it saying you're sure a lot of people are aware of the guidelines but just in case please read and share as it could save a baby's life. Hopefully she'll comment letting you know she's read it. If not then a tactful private message is the way to go I think.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 25/03/2017 21:18

If the bed is a big cot bed, could the baby have been popped in a sibling's bed for the photo?
We've got some photos of DD when she was tiny, sleeping in odd places.

Original poster
AppleFlapjack · 26/03/2017 07:43

Sharing the guidelines is a good idea actually as she will read it but its not necessarily directed at her.

Its the babies cot as all the bars are up on the sides and her eldest is quite a bit older, she also put a picture up after something like "finally asleep"

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 26/03/2017 07:58

Monty, I was similarly scolded in JL as I wanted to buy reins for dd to strap her in her pram (from john Lewis) and she had a right go at me saying that dd could pull the pram on top of herself.

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 08:31

I would complain if the assistant in JL thought she has the right to give me a parenting class. The cheek!

OnlyEatsToast · 26/03/2017 08:36

Could you not ask her HV to have a word? Saves you from getting directly involved?

Trainspotting1984 · 26/03/2017 08:40

Find her health visitor, phone her up and ask to have a word because you've seen a Facebook picture of the baby sleeping against guidelines?

No one would really do that would they? Shock

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 08:51

Trainspotting1984:

I agree. That's crossing some lines.

MollyHuaCha · 26/03/2017 09:01

She might well already know the guidelines and is choosing to ignore them. When my DCs were tiny, someone I knew chose to blatantly ignore well known safety rules about sleeping, weaning (proper food at 2 weeks), car travel etc. One of her children did suffer a horrendous long term illness as the result of the weaning (but survived).

She might ignore you. But I still think you are doing the right thing by saying something. Good luck, hope it goes well Smile