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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to send DC to my old secondary school

56 replies

dilemmmmmma · 24/03/2017 20:41

It's much improved (apparently) but quite honestly I feel sick at the thought of walking in the place. WIBU to say sorry kids, anywhere but there? It's a while off yet.

OP posts:

MrsTwix · 24/03/2017 20:42

I think that it would be a shame to spilt them from their friends if that's the only reason.

harderandharder2breathe · 24/03/2017 20:46

Yabu to judge a school on what it was like 20 years ago

Judge it on whether it's the right school for your children when they are at that age. Based on realities of what it's like now, not your memories of it.

Because chances are the senior leadership team is different, most teachers are different, there are procedures that schools must document now that weren't on the radar years ago. And obviously the pupils are different.

peukpokicuzo · 24/03/2017 20:47

If you feel sick walking in the place then yanbu. You wouldn't be able to engage properly with your kids education with that kind of baggage.

But if it's a while off make sure that you aren't living in a place where that is the only realistic catchment school. There is no way at all that any appeals panel would accept your traumatic childhood memories as having any bearing at all on a school application.

BackforGood · 24/03/2017 20:49

If it is your local school, and the one they would otherwise naturally go to, then yes, YABU to not even go and look.
Schools can change massively in 3 or 4 years, let alone the (15?) sonce you left.
Why not go and look round with your OH on one of the open evenings in September, and try to look at it dispassionately. Obviously you might find it is still the same, but you will probably find big changes.

Original poster

dilemmmmmma · 24/03/2017 20:51

Thanks. It's one of three they could potentially go to. Some friends will go there, some to the other two.

I really do not even want to walk in the place even though I know it'll be completely different. I just know it will bring back horrible stuff

OP posts:

Avioleta · 24/03/2017 20:53

I can see why it must be difficult for you but you should base your decision on where to send your DCs on what's best for them. You're putting yourself at the centre of this decisions and it's not about you.

I would go and look around with an open mind. Schools can and do change drastically.

OddBoots · 24/03/2017 20:55

Did something genuinely dreadful happen to you there?

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 24/03/2017 20:56

people who went there themselves tend to be a bit shy of sending their children there, so i assume it was a bit crap in the past!

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 24/03/2017 20:58

Sorry, the first part of my post that has gone missing was supposed to say that dc's school is popular. A lot of people who live here didn't grow up here. People tend to be very happy with it and it's had good ofsteds for the fifteen years I've lived here.

raspberryblue · 24/03/2017 21:03

I can totally understand. It will be weird, but it depends on what your DC wants. If there are other choices that they are interested in then look at those. I moved in part to not be in the catchment of my old school - some of my former school teachers are still there! Now as heads rather than fresh out of teaching college. If you don't have a good experience of the school or the teachers who are now in charge - get it totally.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 24/03/2017 21:03

I would never want to set foot in my secondary school again but apparently it's a very good school now so if I still lived in the area, I guess I would.

I hated the area and my schooling so much I moved away and never went back though.......

Is there any specific reason? It's about what's right for your children now obviously, and schools are very different from 20-30 years ago.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 24/03/2017 21:07

Maybe it would help to lay old ghosts to rest if you just took a look round?
If you see how much it's changed/improved since your own school days you could feel more positive about it.

Stoneagemum · 24/03/2017 21:28

Take a look around without your dc the year before you have to start looking to get a feel for the place as it is now. Then when you start looking officially you can either offer it or not as an option

PeachHalves · 24/03/2017 21:37

I can completely understand how you feel because I would feel the same if this had been a possibility for me. Luckily I moved. However, my child has just started Y7 and luckily was able to go to a good school. Being able to go there with her friends was really important.

One of her best friends has been one of only a few to go to a different school. That has been really tough for this lovely girl.

Had my daughter been in a position where she had been desperate to go to my old school for valid reasons I hope I would be able to give it serious consideration. It is of course easy for me to say this, given it would never happen.

Original poster

dilemmmmmma · 24/03/2017 21:37

I just don't feel I can. I know that might sound a bit ridiculous but it's true - I just couldn't stand to be anywhere near the place. So many unhappy memories.

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MrsTwix · 24/03/2017 21:40

I think rather than avoiding the place you should deal with the baggage so you don't have to avoid the place. Speak to IAPT about counselling, you don't have to live with it.

PeachHalves · 24/03/2017 21:41

It doesn't sound ridiculous at all. Is it something you could consider getting help with? It sounds like it was really tough for you and it's continuing to impact on your life.

TheNoodlesIncident · 24/03/2017 21:52

My BIL had to go for counselling just to go into ANY secondary school, so you are not alone by a long chalk.

Although it might be traumatic for you, it really WON'T be the same place, and schools can change dramatically in only a few years. I think you should pluck up the courage to go to look at it when the time comes for that to be appropriate, just in case it is actually a really good fit for your dc. You wouldn't want to dismiss it entirely because of your experience and then find it would have been fantastic for them.

I have a lot of hang-ups about school - I had a rubbish time there, with unkindness and scathing remarks being made without caring about the impact on me. And that was just the teachers... but my dc is not me, and his school experience is very different from mine (so far).

It may have been horrible for you, but it won't necessarily be horrible for your children, and the new staff deserve a chance, IYSWIM.

Original poster

dilemmmmmma · 25/03/2017 08:43

Thanks. I don't really think I need counselling as I'm fine with it all, it's just whenever I have to go near the place IYSWIM!

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QueenFuri · 25/03/2017 09:02

I had a awful time at secondary school. My DS will start there in August 18 there is another high school close by but he wants to go to the same school as all his friends so I'll need to get over my issues. Ask you DC what they want.

Hulababy · 25/03/2017 09:24

I do think the better solution, if at all possible, is to face the fear and go to an open day - take someone with you for support. Unless something truly dreadful happened there facing your demons might be a benefit in the end. Maybe consider it as you say there's a good while to go yet before they'd be going.

Is the school one of the better options for schools for your children? If you'd not been there would you be considering it based on CURRENT reputation and on paper?

Lweji · 25/03/2017 09:26

I don't think you can say you're fine if you can't face going there. It seems more like you're repressing it than dealing with it.

Original poster

dilemmmmmma · 25/03/2017 09:31

Maybe but I can't afford counselling indefinitely either!

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corythatwas · 25/03/2017 09:35

Avioleta Fri 24-Mar-17 20:53:30
"I can see why it must be difficult for you but you should base your decision on where to send your DCs on what's best for them. You're putting yourself at the centre of this decisions and it's not about you. "

I think on balance, this. You need to make sure you don't create equally horrible memories for your dc by sending them to a place which is wrong for them.

Also, remember that you won't have to walk into it very often if it's a secondary: a couple of parents evenings a year and that should be you sorted.

Original poster

dilemmmmmma · 25/03/2017 09:39

I know but even the thought of them putting on the uniform makes me feel a bit ill. It's stupid I know but I honestly am trying to put them at the centre - I can't imagine them going there and being happy. I know open evenings and all but schools are clever at hiding the worst sides to them. Alternatively could move away altogether. It's just jobs.

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