To refuse to send DC to my old secondary school

[dilemmmmmma]

It's much improved (apparently) but quite honestly I feel sick at the thought of walking in the place. WIBU to say sorry kids, anywhere but there? It's a while off yet.

I moved away from my small home town rather than EVER send my children to the schools I went to.

It's a community with a lot of issues though. Some so far rooted that no amount of effort on the part of the council will change.

Schools are changing rapidly. Staff turnover is rapid. Many buildings have been rebuilt.

The school I went to had changed little from the 70s to the 90s. I was taught by my mother's teachers. The Head was better and standards were better. Now, my teachers have retired and moved on and it's been rebuilt and the only thing that remains is the name.

The most recent school I've worked in has had a rapid change in the last two years since it was taken over by an academy chain. Until then it had changed little since the 70s and 80s.

As to how unreasonable you are depends on the experience you had, and how the school has changed. Open evening season is in September, so it could be worth visiting then to assess that.

your not unreasonable, i think that probably a high percentage of people hated school for all manner of reasons - but children have to go along and , as parents, we have to try to prepare them for the highs and the lows and not project too much on them about what happened to us years ago. I agree with other posters, go along to one of the open nights that i am sure they will have in the autumn ( look in the local paper or online for information) and have a look round, see how you feel. its a totally different experience as an adult. you may be surprised. the ones that made you feel bad are adults now and cant hurt you - the school has probably changed an awful lot over the years and a lot of the teachers probably moved on years ago too.

YABU in the way you are thinking about this.
Fair do, you had an awful experience.
Schools change and the staff will be different. Not sending them to a perfectly reasonable local school because you didnt like it as a kid seems daft to me.

It sounds like youre projecting your issues onto the kids 'i cant imagine them even being happy'/dont want them putting the uniform on.
If youve already decided that decades later its still a rubbish school, that the education is going to be crap and its going to be traumatic so much that any evidence to the contrary is just going to be dismissed as 'hiding' then why ask the question?

But i hope when you go searching for a perfect school you equally will be as judgy on their open days and assume all other schools are 'hiding' stuff too.

You need to put your feelings aside and put your children first.

Which of the three schools would be best for them?

Where would they like to go?

I don't think my old school is the best but they might!

I'm sorry but if you can't go into the building where your children would be going to school you are not fine.

IAPT is free. It's part of the NHS.

Would you really disrupt your children's friendships rather than look after yourself?

I am sure that schools hide things - they want to project the best image, they may touch on things like bullying or problems, but they dont play on that aspect of course. No secondary school is perfect at all, that is impossible.
Your only other option if you really cant face any of this is too maybe think about moving home.

I don't even know what IAPT is but give over with being so rude!

YANBU. I don't have DC yet but if I did I'd never send them to my old school because of how much I hated it - even if it was very different to when I went there. There are lots of schools out there and it isn't worth the emotional upheaval. If you didn't feel strongly about this then it wouldn't be an issue; the fact that you do suggests that you'd find it difficult to engage with the school and deal with any problems that arise in an unbiased way (not a criticism! I'd be the same). That's not particularly good either for your family or for the teachers.

Yes, your feelings might be a bit irrational, but knowing that doesn't make them go away! If one of your DC is absolutely desperate to attend this school when the time comes, it might be a bit more difficult, but in your position I'd be talking a lot about the merits of the other two!

This is very common and has a serious impact on children's ability to settle if it isn't managed.

I would and have welcomed parents making contact with me to discuss this and to see what we could do to reassure them.

The problem is unless you address it you may find that it isn't just the school. Maybe when you pack their you will find it is PE but at a different school, or public speaking.

Many parents had terrible experiences of school and it is really important to address them.

if a different school is easy and the kids are amenable then great but I wohkd worry that other issues may go unresolved

Well I know it's completely irrational but like someone said I just feel it I suppose.

YABU. I see at least one parent every open evening that raises a valid concern about sending their child to our school as they had a poor experience. I always allay their fears. I was bullied at primary so I will probably do everything to ensure this is dealt with properly if it happens to my DC but it could happen in any school. Also, most teachers you had would be gone and schools are ever changing places with acute awareness of the many issues pupils face these days. Rather than discarding it, draw up a checklist with things you and your child are happy with (or not) and go to the school that fulfils this.

How can you allay their fears, though? Not being horrible but bullying is so subtle sometimes and while teachers can deal with it once it's happened the problem is it has to happen in the first place if you follow me.

it isnt irrational, lots of people have a bad time at school or at work and then avoid the place as much as they can - its just difficult now as you think you may have to face it again.
if there is an alternative , then just explore those avenues - someone i know at work is sending her child to a different school to the one she attended - no biggie, lots of reasons why, but as long as her child is happy then that is what matters - they are the ones having to go along each day.

Also, if they do go there or if your issues are with school per se, try to start afresh.

My mother went to my school too and projected the hatred for teachers onto us to the point where when I needed her support regarding a teacher treating me badly (it was really bad!) I didn't tell her about it and chose to be dealt with my the head, etc. as I was afraid of her anger and the embarrassment it would cause if she phoned/came down.

Consider counselling.

YANBU and I'm in the same situation. Years have passed, but it appears the children who bullied me at school now send their children there. The school has changed in many ways, but in others it's still the same. My children go there over my dead body. I did, however, go and look round twice to try and change my mind. I found it cathartic and useful, but it reinforced my opinion rather than change it.

I also worry about the same parents and attitudes coming down.

I felt the same way as I had a terrible time at my secondary school, and the school did nothing to help me.
I always said that I would never send my own children there, my oldest wanted to go to be with his friends so we agreed and he was happy there we moved him after two years due to subject choices and he was less happy in his new school (supposed to be a far "better" school) but stuck it out.
My youngest went to my hated school and the teachers were incredible with managing his ASN's so schools really do change.

dilemma, if your community is full of the same parents that gave you such a hard time, then maybe it is time for a change - a move away, a new start - years roll by and before long you will have to face up to your children going to the same school you went to or one close to it and its obvious its eating away at you already. better do it now before your children put down roots and make friends in the area your in now. it is drastic action, but you do sound so worried and others on here have done the same thing and it helped them. sounds like a lot of problems are also community based ones too?

It is not at all irrational. In fact it is completely rational when you think about it. Same school, same families and possibly some of the same teachers.

Your most recent post though makes me feel that there is more to this which you need to pick about a bit.

Children can be awful to each other. So can adults. Being unkind and trying to put yourself at the top of a pecking order is part of human nature which leaves a lot to be desired.

Conflict will happen at any school your children attend. No school can claim to be conflict free. The very best pastoral support teachers cannot protect a child from experiencing conflict or unkindness. Therefore the only thing you can really hope happens is that your children are resilient and full of self-confidence which helps them bounce back.

Bullying can be awful and insidious and a good school should have policies for managing that. Those policies will be different to how they manage normal conflict however. But still, part of the process is on supporting the person who has been targeted and building their coping mechanism.

Does any of that make sense?

Is the school good in other ways? What about your options?

Lots and lots of kids go to schools which are not in their area. They cope fine.

I have (moved) in a way. I live somewhere a bit weird as it straddles three LEAs. But two secondaries merged a few years ago leaving three options rather than four. I would ideally like to move further but work and so on - you know how it is :)

I think that there is little reason to worry about it all now - when the time comes, just go to the open days ( held way in advance of any form filling) and see how you feel then. Its not easy to keep on moving around, i understand that, but it may come that your child/ children do not have to go to the school you went to in the end anyway, then that is the best option all round. have to see how it pans out. please try not to worry too much.

Actually I would say don't send them if you still feel that badly about it when the time comes. Because if one of them has a problem and you need to go in and deal with it then you'll find it much harder to support your child. You'll be too busy struggling with your own issues.

You need to trust whichever school you send your children to. So either you have to overcome your feelings beforehand or send them somewhere else.

I'd look into counselling as well. Your concerns about th school might well be valid but it's going to be hard for you to pick it apart by yourself. Hopefully wherever your children go they will have a safe and happy school experience but if they do experience any bullying in any school your own experiences might make it harder on you to deal with than it needs to be.