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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL offering to buy clothes for the kids

77 replies

Caramac29 · 24/03/2017 11:00

So, to give some background, my MIL has previous for interfering. When DC1 was born, she bought the bedroom furniture and various other things. We could have afforded to buy these things ourselves and basically she gave us no say in the things she was buying. They were all chosen by her. I tried to see the fact she was being generous as something to be grateful for but once the first grandchild was born, all she ever wanted was for me to go out and leave them with her. She wants one on one time but doesn't ever respect my methods of parenting. I wonder if this is her wanting to play mummy. She can be very disrespectful to me at times to.

The most recent thing is that we will be attending some family functions this summer (on my side). She has said she will be buying my children their outfits. Her taste is not to me taste at all and I know she won't give me a say. I feel like the only reason she wants to do this is so that on the day people will ask where their clothes are from and I'll have to say she bought them. I feel like it's all for her benefit, if that makes sense. She'll want to be able to show people the pictures and brag that she bought the outfits.

It's all very manipulative I think. We don't have many family events to dress the kids up for and I think she almost wants to take that moment of picking out a lovely dress away from me. Other things she has done have been taking my newborns out of my arms constantly. She once did this like 5 seconds before the bells at new year with my first born (knowing full well I wanted to hold her to bring in the new year). Am I being unreasonable to think her request to choose and pay for the clothes is for selfish reasons or would you feel the same?

Thanks

OP posts:

TheRealPooTroll · 24/03/2017 12:12

I think you need to decide on a case by case basis whether you want to accept her generosity. If you want to buy the children their outfits for this event then you need to thank her but say you'd like to choose your own. She may then still offer to pay which is up to you whether to accept or not. If it suits you to have her look after the children then you can accept her offer but if you want to spend time with them then say. Hopefully you'll find a balance where she can feel involved but you aren't being pushed around.

SaltBae · 24/03/2017 12:13

It doesn't really matter what her motives are for doing it, what matters is you not being direct with her and telling her no?

It's not hard

TheRealPooTroll · 24/03/2017 12:16

If she does buy the kids outfits anyway I would thank her and tell her they can wear them for another occasion but you really want them to wear what you've chosen this time. No need for animosity but she needs to know that she can't order you around.

MatildaTheCat · 24/03/2017 12:20

My own mil knew a better way of doing everything than me or anyone else. Even breathing. You simply have to have a few simple phrases lined up to deflect the barrage of advice or purchases.

Nice thought, MIL but I've already got something in mind, thanks.

Oh, you've bought a dress? I did say I was getting this myself...do you want to return it? Maybe I could exchange it if you have the receipt?

I'm just having a cuddle right now, MIL, I will let you have her in a while.

Please, MIL, don't snatch dd. I said I will let you hold her shortly.

Stop letting her take control of your life and your child. She will get the hang of it. If she sulks just keep contact low until she can behave nicely.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 24/03/2017 12:20

Actually it is hard, because on the face of it - its a lovely gesture, what granny doesnt normallly buy a few clothes?

I would be hurt if they didnt - but some mils like to undermine their dils, step over boundaries, and your caught between being polite and respectful but also upset that this person is going tooooooo far.

Op another thing I do - is keep what I like or the DC like and literally sell or send the rest to syria. I used to agnonise like you - now I am far more ruthless any big ticket items they want to choose we say thanks but no thanks. The problem is - mil wont change and batting her away makes her more bitter and more controllling but what can you do!

PollyBanana · 24/03/2017 12:24

MIL - I'm going to buy outfits for the DC for x event.
You - that's very kind of you MIL. I'll let you know what's I've /we've chosen and what they cost. To save you any bother, I'll just get them and you can give me the money afterwards? OK?

opticaltrixie · 24/03/2017 12:34

Not sure why you are surprised at this, OP, you are enabling MILs actions by being so passive. I'm not suggesting you are to blame but if you want these things to stop you have to reset the rules and allow no interference at all because if you give an inch.... et cetera. Not case by case (as pp have said) - when you have a 'monster' like yours on your hands they absolutely will not stop IME.

TheRealPooTroll · 24/03/2017 12:36

I think the op would be cutting off her nose to spite her face if the mil offers to pay for a day out or something and the op would appreciate it but feels the need to say no just because mil suggested it. Mil just needs to learn that it is op who chooses whether or not she accepts her generosity - mil can't just foist it on her.

Redlocks28 · 24/03/2017 12:37

I don't understand how people get so walked over?! Just say no repeatedly! Don't spend NYE with her if she's that bad.

Nellooo · 24/03/2017 12:41

Ugh. Stand up for yourself! She'll get in a right huff but you'll have a lifetime of this if you don't start enforcing the boundaries that you want to have.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 24/03/2017 12:45

Agree you need to be firmer - and if it helps, white lies that you've already sorted stuff.

So perhaps send her a message today (if it's easier not to do it face to face/on the phone where you can get flustered) - "hi mil, I know you mentioned you'd be happy to get outfits for the children for X event, just to let you know I've picked something up already so we don't need you to."

Don't tell about anything going on until it's done and then lie when needed that it's already sorted.

It does sound like she's trying to stamp her authority over the DCs and hasn't quite managed the move from being the active mother of the family to the more secondary role of grandmother of the family, is still trying to hold onto her central position in regard to the family children. You will just have to be firm until she makes the mental step about what her role should be now.

Magicpaintbrush · 24/03/2017 12:47

I would tell her you are buying their outfits yourself and then if she still goes ahead and buys them just don't put the kids in them! You don't have to do what this woman says, you are a grown adult. Put your foot down. She will continue to try and bully you into doing things her way if you aren't firm. Where your kids are concerned you are the boss, not her.

THirdEeye · 24/03/2017 12:52

Stop enabling her behaviour and personally I don't think it's 'doting granny behaviour'!

She's overbearing and is pushing boundaries, it is now time to step up and push back.

Stop being afraid of saying ^no thankyou' and 'that doesn't work for me'....what's the worse she can do....sulk? Cry? Throw a tantrum?

If she does do the above, then ignore it (because it is designed to make you feel guilty) like you would a child.

If she then enrols others to put pressure on you (flying monkeys) then stand firm.

storynanny · 24/03/2017 12:52

Ridiculous. Your baby your choice.
I buy stuff for my grandchildren simply to help out with the busget. I always ask what they would like or need first.

ZombieApocalips · 24/03/2017 12:56

Just say no to her. You don't have to accept clothes or babysitting.

Trifleorbust · 24/03/2017 13:02

You have received excellent advice here. Stop sweating over this. Just say no. Who cares why she does it?

billabye · 24/03/2017 13:13

Sounds like you spend a lot of time with her. I'd be keeping her at arms length.

RortyCrankle · 24/03/2017 13:55

She sounds so like my Sister's MIL. When my DNs were little she would buy the most disgusting baby dresses in palest pink, mostly consisting of yards of nylon lace. My Sister would thank her politely but my DN never wore the horrors and every time she was due to see her MIL they would be dressed in chunky outfits in bottle green, navy and brown. She did finally get the message

Everyone's right OP - you just have to say No.

livefornaps · 24/03/2017 14:01

I get it, it's not about generosity , it's about her announcing stuff & then not letting you have any say in the matter or enjoy choosing the item.

Real generosity would be: I want to buy the bedroom furniture so let's sit down and choose something you like together/let's all go shopping with the kids for clothes and get them something they like. Then she'd be sharing the experience with you, forging a deeper bond between you and her, as well as with the kids. Instead she's just foisting her taste on you. Trust your instincts if you think this isn't coming from a good place

weegiemum · 24/03/2017 14:13

When my MIL insisted on buying outfits for her 60th birthday party for our dc, we did a joint shopping trip - dc were 3,5 and 7. The girls (youngest and oldest) were very sure with what they wanted and on a joint shopping trip I was able to "guide" the choices.

Now they're 13, 15 and 17 she just sends money!!

CJCreggsGoldfish · 24/03/2017 14:17

OP, you really do just need to say no. You're anticipating her reaction, and guessing at motives for her behaviour, without ever having said no. From her perspective, she might think you're happy with all that you've described, as you've never suggested otherwise. She might be the MIL from hell, or she might be genuinely upset that you feel this way, but until you take back some of the control you'll never know.

Original poster

Caramac29 · 24/03/2017 16:58

Thanks for all the great feedback. We all have our flaws and not being assertive enough is definitely mine. There is a real respect issue in that MIL believes that we should respect our elders for no reason other than for the fact they are older than us, hence the fact she thinks she can treat me however she likes and I'll have to be respectful of her position in the family (which she definitely believes to be above me in the pecking order). If I dare do anything other than nod & politely agree, she will be bitter about it for years to come. She still hasn't gotten over the fact that her neice (who is mid 30s) called her by her first name without using the prefix "Auntie". She thinks this is absolutely disgraceful. I on the other hand, have aunties telling me not to call them auntie and just to call them by their first names. She just gets so bitter about things.

OP posts:

opticaltrixie · 24/03/2017 17:10

It's nothing to do with respect, which in reality has to be earned and cannot be asked for. For your MIL it is about being top dog and being obeyed.

To behaviour boot camp with her, and get some cojones, OP! [smile}

InvisibleKittenAttack · 24/03/2017 17:24

Oh dear, unfortunately she's going to have to learn that she has no right to demand your respect. And you are going to have to find ways to deal with her!

Start with telling her you already have bought the clothes. From now on, make it a knee jerk reaction - "thank you for the offer but we're already sorted" even when you are not. Limit when you see her without DH and remember she only has the level of "power" over your family that you let her have.

Original poster

Caramac29 · 24/03/2017 20:03

You're both right. I need to just toughen up and start standing up for myself and my family a little more.

OP posts:

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