MIL offering to buy clothes for the kids

[Caramac29]

So, to give some background, my MIL has previous for interfering. When DC1 was born, she bought the bedroom furniture and various other things. We could have afforded to buy these things ourselves and basically she gave us no say in the things she was buying. They were all chosen by her. I tried to see the fact she was being generous as something to be grateful for but once the first grandchild was born, all she ever wanted was for me to go out and leave them with her. She wants one on one time but doesn't ever respect my methods of parenting. I wonder if this is her wanting to play mummy. She can be very disrespectful to me at times to.

The most recent thing is that we will be attending some family functions this summer (on my side). She has said she will be buying my children their outfits. Her taste is not to me taste at all and I know she won't give me a say. I feel like the only reason she wants to do this is so that on the day people will ask where their clothes are from and I'll have to say she bought them. I feel like it's all for her benefit, if that makes sense. She'll want to be able to show people the pictures and brag that she bought the outfits.

It's all very manipulative I think. We don't have many family events to dress the kids up for and I think she almost wants to take that moment of picking out a lovely dress away from me. Other things she has done have been taking my newborns out of my arms constantly. She once did this like 5 seconds before the bells at new year with my first born (knowing full well I wanted to hold her to bring in the new year). Am I being unreasonable to think her request to choose and pay for the clothes is for selfish reasons or would you feel the same?

Thanks

Of course you aren't unreasonable. I occasionally buy my GC clothes but usually give their mum, my DIL well ex DIL if you want to be accurate, the money and let her choose. If I was you I would just buy what I wanted and say thanks but we already have their outfits.

I wouldn't care who bought, who takes 'credit' (is this a thing ) it all sounds a bit trivial and petty.

If a MIL, or similar kindly (I don't care about ulterior motives, this is clothing were talking about) and offered to buy clothes for any child of mine I would perhaps guide them to the shops we usually use, so that they're not wild departure from usual taste and style. If they buy something you don't like/want you don't have to use it.

She sounds awful. Your husband should speak to her – it's his mum.

And just tell her no to any weird statements about choosing the kids' outfits.

Don't 'speak to her' - give yourself a talking to.

You dress your child and put furniture in your rooms. You can say 'that's such a lovely thought but I already have something in mind' (on repeat).

Analysing your MiL's overbearing grand parenting is a total waste of your time. Who cares about her motives? She is buying nice things for you and your dc so she's hardly evil and you have a lot of options.

You're right addtobasket

Just Say No.
Repeat ad nauseum.
Ignore tantrums.

She probably thinks she's helping in her own daft way.

In a firm manner say "That's very kind of you but Baby Caramac already has an outfit."
And because I can be quite forthright when pushed & I would also say, "That's lovely of you but it's a shame outfit won't be worn. Do you have the receipt so I can get Baby Caramac the babygros/dress/trousers they really need."

Worked a treat with DSis (she'd buy the most awful things.) She'd huff & puff a bit but then get over it. (Quickly got over it when someone complimented the replacement item of clothing. She'd say "Oh yes I bought that for Baby Helsinki." I would let her have that comment as it kept her happy & kept me sane.)
Funnily enough she soon started asking me what she should get Baby Helsinki (the odd horror occasionally slipped through.)
Now years later she just gives DD money to choose her own clothes.

If she mentions buying clothes for the special events, tell her "thanks, but no thanks" as you are looking forward to choosing something yourself. If she ignores you, and buys something anyway, ask her to take it back and get a refund. If she won't, go ahead and dress your DD in your choice of outfit and let her wear MIL's choice on another occasion.

Agree with a pp not to dwell on her motives as it won't do any good.

The important thing is how you handle her. 'Thank you for offering to buy their clothes but they already have outfits/i've already seen the perfect dress that i'm going to get'. The end.

You need to learn to say no op, nothing will change until you do.

She does sound annoying but she is the children's grandmother. You dont have the monopoly on wanting to care for the DC. Just tell her you have outfits bought already.

Addtobasket is right this doesn't need to be a huge deal she is just buying clothes you need to say no it is fine thanks. In 18 years the nye thing will be such a distant memory

Support each other and stand up to her. That's it.

She knows you're too nice to say anything back to her, she's totally taking the piss. I used to be like you, I hated any kind of confrontation...but I guarantee you...If you do it once..that's it, the next time will be so so much easier and she'll learn that you're not a pushover.

I know someone who had a MIL just like yours. She totally took over and even now that her kids are grown up...she still controls her children. My friend didn't even get to pick out her DD's communion dresses...MIL did.

I wouldn't make it confrontation at all, I'd just casually say 'no thanks, I know roughly what I want & am looking forward to getting them myself'.

Wow, any way of getting rid of the furniture she bought you?

That is beyond rude.

Tell her you want to choose their clothes from now on for a special occasion not her. If it causes an argument so be it.

If she wants to buy sailor suits or dresses for other occasions eg everyday wear that's not so bad.

If it bothers you just say no, you can't allow it to happen and then cry and complain about it. Either do something about it or don't complain, sorry op.

My mother in law did some of this, but to be honest it never bothered me, it was just clothes and stuff.

The only time it bothered us was at a large family event and she'd bought our daughter a dress to wear, it looked like the worst cheapest thing you've ever seen. We're not snobs, honest, but this was a shocker. Even my husband commented on it's sheer awfulness.

Everyone I think thought we were struggling financially , one of my uncles even tried to give us a tenner for the baby, ffs. The worst thing was I think she paid a fortune for it and it was hand made specially.

That would drive me bananas too! Tell her you have already chosen/bought outfits already. If she goes out and buys them anyway you don't have to dress the kids in them for the Special Occasions. Buy your own outfits anyway

Either text her and say "just got outfits for the children so you don't need to get them now thanks anyway" or take them and say they don't fit and exchange or just put them in something different on the day. I think your making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

My MIL did this with school uniform - tried to whisk DD away without me to get her first uniform. I would not have minded her coming with us, but it was the idea she could do it and exclude me that I found upsetting.
When I said, 'thanks, but that was something I was really looking forward to myself', she drove off in huff without even saying goodbye.

PIL always used money to try to control us.
If we wanted a wooden floor they would give us some money towards it, but not if we wanted carpets.
If we wanted to go to the US to see DH's brother for our holiday they would give us money towards flights, but not if we wanted to go anywhere else.
If we wanted the garden furniture they chose they would pay, but not if we wanted to pick our own.
You just learn to smile and ignore! And repeat.

You don't need to confront or even say no thanks.

Her:" I'm going to buy xxx for yyy"

You: "Already done."

Even if it's not.

If she insists on getting something anyway, let her and dress the kids in "her gift outfits" when they next see her.
If she complains you're dressing them in Sunday best, "yes, I agree some everyday clothes would be so much nicer but you're the daft one who bought these haha!"

Just say NO!

hilarious blunt

You need to toughen up and learn to say "No"!
Stop being a doormat.

Hopefully you can steer her into being useful while within your boundaries. Try saying "Oh, that's so kind but we already have outfits for $event - but you know what would be really useful? They've grown out of their waterproof coats and wellies yet again, so if you saw any that would be wonderful. And they'll need dressing gowns for winter, and waterproof mittens..."

My mother has settled into a role of being the one who has time to do clothes shopping and will produce clothes and take back ones if necessary. But then she was mostly overbearing by accident rather than on purpose. If she and MIL have lists of Things That Would Be Useful, then it works out pretty well, as otherwise we get the same volume of stuff that isn't helpful.

I always think when people describe things like this what would happen if you could rewind and see it from her point of view. So on New Years Eve, it was midnight and she though - ooh DIL will want to hug and kiss everyone, I will hold baby. Re furniture - Son was just saying how tight things are with the baby, I will surprise them with some furniture.....
Okay maybe its not all innnocent, but its not all psycho mum in law either. If you don't want her doing it just say no.